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I just feel like it's time that I am able to live my own life, caring for my mom is making me resentful & depressed, there be times I be wishing I could have freedom that everyone else gets to have like go out to the beach, go to the movies, live there sex lives, I am not trying to be selfish when I say this but my depression has been trying to put me in a grave yard, and I feel like the stress of being extremely responsible for another person 24/7 is not helping my mental disease, I've struggled with depression all my life and I was diagnosed with it as a child because of my nasty childhood I've growned up in an abusive environment. I've known the man that I'm with age (22) for 4 years , I (26) and him want to get married, we have plans to get married in october, and in a week our apartment will be ready and he wants me to live with him, my mom wants to live with aunt but aunt is to busy she has a child, she has two jobs and shes going to college to be a teacher, I just feel like this is so much stress on me I been caring for her for a really long time. What should I do, she declines to go to the nursing home, her daughter is to busy, last time we tried the hospice care they wouldnt stay because she has a roach infestation. so what else can I do??

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Your profile says this is your grandmother. I will assume she raised you so feel some responsibility. Its really your Aunts responsibilty to find options for Mom. If Hospice has been in the picture it must have been felt she was dying within 6 months. You have a right to a life just like the daughter.

You need to talk to Grandma's children. Tell them you will be moving out and in with your boyfriend. That u will be getting married in Oct. Tell them that someone needs to make a decision concerning grandma's care. You will no longer be able to do it. If none of them can bring her into their home, then she will need to go to Long-term care. Medicaid will pay if she does not have the money. This is all up to one of them. If they do not want to do this, then u will need to call APS and tell them the situation.

IMO a grandchild should not be responsible for the care of a Grandparent when there are Children in the picture. The Children don't need to do the care but they should find it.
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moonieXX Jul 2023
i do but they disagree, they dont even help me, and i told my dad about putting her in a NH and he tells me no that i cant do that, I have depression , different then any other depression more like a self destructive one. ANd i'm destroying myself , mine gets out of hands. My sister is the only one who agrees with me that this should have never been left on me, and my aunt and dad wont agree with me that I can't put her in the NH
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It sounds like Mom/Grandmother needs new care & living arrangements.

Is she capable to make her own lifestyle decisions & care arrangments?

Requires 'assisted decision' making? Or an Attorney/Guardian to make these decisions for her?

Maybe a medical review could start with a needs assessment & go from there.
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Those who know me, know that I'm totally against any young person being saddled with the responsibility of taking care of elderly people and severely ill people while losing their best years. These are the times for building your life, working, finishing school or trade school, getting married and such. These elders have had their lives.

If this is your grandmother, her children need to step up and do their part. I don't get involved with my brother and sister's care since they are both in their eighties and they have kids that can help. I had my share of caring for my mom and my younger sister. I watched all of my friends marry and move on after my divorce, and I ended up back home for a spell. It was like watching my life pass me by. I did manage to stick college in the mix along with getting a couple of jobs, but I would have made better choices if I did not have the burden of caretaking. Everything I did at that point felt like a race to catch up like I was rushed to make life's decisions on a dime. On top of that, I had a kid I was raising.

I know that you love your grandma, and nothing hurts more than the false guilt like you are leaving your loved one behind. You are doing your part. There are some good assisted living places and long term care facilities. Trust me, once you step out, someone else will take over. My sister's teacher told me this years ago, and it was the truth. My sister had better care than what I could ever provide even though she had the help of a home health aide that my mom had set up before she died. I was needed to get my sister from point A to point B. My sister learned to feed herself and those teachers worked to get her to re-learn those life's skills. My sister had a life. Now, had I continued with the original plan of keeping her home, she would never had experienced with God had in store for her. She got baptized, traveled, attended school and generally had a life. While at home, she just experienced the four walls of her bedroom and the company of the home health aide during the time I was working.
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graciekelli Jul 2023
I too agree with everything Scampie said. I married my DH at 19. We have been married 37 years. We raised 5 children and worked. We did not depend on anyone to help raise our children. When my youngest son and last to leave the nest got married and moved into his own home, my husband and I were so excited to be "newly weds" again. For the first time in 35 years, we were all alone in our home and still young enough to enjoy our lives. Within 2 months of being alone...here comes my mother. She lived with me for 15 months and it was pure hell. I was resentful and mad! It was not good for her and not good for me. I got educated here on this forum and got here into an AL.

Moonie, What grandma wants and what grandma needs are 2 different things. I would get informed and move grandma into a facility that can take care of her so you can live your life.
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Are you the one planning her care? If so you cannot just leave her without some plan in place.
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Of course she declines a nursing home. She has you to do it all for her! Her options now or NH or alone. She cannot live alone or without help, so there's no other option but a NH. Start getting plans to move her into an NH. Lots of people on here have been through this and can help on how to get her placed.
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anonymous1732518 Jul 2023
NH, try to delay that as long as you can


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I don't understand why you and mom haven't dealt with the roach infestation. You need to do something about it. Living in such conditions is not healthful.

It is time for you to be first in your own life. You're making progress toward that, so good for you.

If mom had hospice care, she must be at end of life, and usually when in hospice, the patient isn't expected to live more than six months. I'm assuming she'd still qualify, so maybe you could contact hospice and ask if there are hospice facilities where she can live. If not, call your local council on aging, or adult protective services, or any other agency that cares for or protects elders. Tell them and mom that you're moving out and can't care for mom anymore.

Then get out of there.
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I agree to move on with your life and not feel guilty about it. Grief, yes. Guilt, no.

Is she able to make her own decisions rationally? Sort of sounds like she is, based on what you wrote.

If this is the case then she can choose to stay in her current residence and get help from the county, or transition to a facility where she'll get social exposure and all the help she needs.

You aren't responsible for her happiness. Work on finding your own.
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moonieXX Jul 2023
she has a roach infestation, they wont help because of the bugs, even if i get the exterminator the bugs are going to come back, they always do, they are hard to get rid of
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Pamzi here,, is it your Mom or your Grandmother? I am a bit confused. You need to be able to live your life and if it is your Gma, then her children need to step up. I am a wondering about your Aunt as well? She should be close to your Moms age ( if your mom is who you are caring for as your post says) and she is going to college to be a teacher and has young children ? I do understand her position that is alot on her plate,
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moonieXX Jul 2023
its my grandmother but i call her mom at times
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If she is on Hospice care she can go to the Skilled Nursing Facility and Hospice can come In there . Just check the reviews on YELP and also Propublica Has reports on Nursing Home abuse that's reported to medicare . I found both My brother and mother good Nursing Homes and Hospice Nurses went to both . Go Live your Life and visit her . You are Burnt out .
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