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Mom doesn’t want to come to my house, doesn’t get along with husband. Her facility is one of the better ones, but she still feels like she’s in jail. When she had to go to hospital no one could go when she was released back to ALF. I’m at a crossroads here, she can not manage her own meds. She has had 4 major falls and now on a walker but otherwise the meds are the issue. Dementia is mild but this quarantine has def affected her. I’m her only child and I do window visits but it’s horrible still.
She wants me to buy her a house and make sure to put it in her name!! Help!

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I just posted this to another question on the forum this morning. This is from our own personal and recent experience:

Please understand that if your mom goes into any facility and covid becomes present there, they will suffer staffing shortages. We just went through this in MN. MIL's facility (a very good, well-run one) locked down immediately in mid-March. At the beginning of May staff introduced covid in. They can't hire subs unless they can prove they were quarantined for 2 weeks. My MIL was very sick with covid for all of May (4 weeks). They moved her to a make-shift covid wing on the first floor so that families could have window visits. But she was so sick it was pointless. At one point they had 1 nurse to 16 covid patients. My MIL (because she had signed a DNR) was only given acetiminophen and 5 l. oxygen. When she stopped eating and drinking they did not give her IV fluids (because then her lungs would really struggle to clear the fluids). It was chaos for those weeks as the facility tried to keep up with sickness while keeping families informed. I pitied them -- they were exhausted. BUT my MIL did survive and recovered fully. Unfortunately 9 residents did pass away and who knows how many others had permanent damage (cognitive being one of them). My MIL didn't have any pre-existing conditions except frailty and short-term memory issues. She doesn't remember being on death's doorstep!

Just this Wednesday we had our first in-person meeting with her since March...5 months! They still insisted we be 6 ft apart and wear masks -- outside. MN just recently passed legislation that will allow anyone designated (and approved) as an Essential Caregiver to be able to come into the facility. You may want to check if your state is working on this or not.

If you take your mom to your home please remember that it is caregivers who bring the germs to the seniors (aka you, your husband and anyone else in your home unless you literally don't go anywhere). Then, what if her care was overwhelming to you and you needed/wanted help? Or she fell again in your home? She'd need to go into a hospital and then...rehab facility? But then maybe she wouldn't be allowed into a facility.

The house purchase thing...I don't understand what you are asking. You buy your mom's house and put it back in her name? Your put the funds into an account with her name? Sorry, it doesn't make sense as written. FYI I wouldn't do any big transactions for her unless you are her durable/financial PoA. If you're not, you need to pursue this first and foremost.

I wish you peace in your hearts that there's no perfect answer in this situation and you are doing your best.
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AT1234 Jul 2020
Yes, I am POA, but buying another house isn’t possible. It’s just a dream for her. My husband has CHF congestive heart failure and takes massive meds to stay alive, himself. No, coming here with his immune system isn’t possible either.
thank you for your response.
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I understand your concerns that your mom may contract Covid in the ALF but realize that bringing her into your home may not solve that problem. Unless you and your husband totally self-quarantine - no grocery shopping, no activities, no outside contacts - you are just as likely to infect her. Or what if you and/or your husband got Covid - how would you assist your mother and assure that she didn't get it from you? She could end up at home with the two of you sick and with absolutely no help and no ability to return to the ALF. There are risks in either situation. I made the decision that my father would stay at his ALF when they went into lockdown. The ALF has been in total lockdown since March and currently have no plan to open up to visitors or to having residents come/go. Until 2 weeks ago all meals were delivered to residents so they would not congregate. It's been hard on all the residents but they have been safe. And yes, he complained that he couldn't go out of the building, or go for a ride in the car, or have breakfast at my house. I have to remind him on our daily phone calls what the situation is as he also has some dementia. I try to keep it matter of fact and not alarmist. It seems to help him to realize that for everyone life is different and we are all pretty housebound.

Bringing him home would have introduced all sorts of other dynamics which would have made life unbearable, especially when you have no end in sight. Once she comes back to your home she may not be able to return to the ALF for an extended period. You will have no idea when that is and I imagine you will need to continue paying her ALF expenses.

And buying her a house? What is that even about? Just don't even entertain that idea. She certainly can't live on her own, especially now.
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