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My problems are my husband and I want to move next year. We’re retiring and we’re moving where my daughter lives near the ocean. I will help with her but she needs to move to the same city but cost of living is a little higher. Living in the same house would make us both crazy so she needs a house or an apartment. She gets extremely stressed over little things so this will be major. What if she says no? If she says yes, she wants exactly what she wants when she wants it no matter how unreasonable it is. Example: building an 800 sq ft house in my yard. She’s incredibly stubborn and no patience at all and often tells me what I think and how I feel regardless of what I say. I feel awful but it’s not a good idea to live in the same house and that’s not her preference but she thinks if she pays for it, she can add to my house or build one and I don’t want to be stuck with either and seriously doubt zoning would allow it. As she ages, she’s become rather critical, has absolutely no patience, everything has to be done that minute, gets very anxious over the simplest of things, she won’t listen to advice much at all, rarely goes to doctor and is the most stubborn person in the entire world! Is this common? She doesn’t have dementia. I just can’t deal with it every day.


I can’t imagine telling her she can’t live with me either and what if the only other option is to stay where I’m at. Do I give up what we want to stay here with her? She has no one here except my brother and she’d never let him do as much as me and it’s always been me. He wouldn’t want to either. I Hate having negative thoughts about her!! I love her but she is so difficult at times. I certainly don’t want her to die but I can’t help but think if she doesn’t have a lot longer maybe we should stay until that happens because it would be so much easier to move without moving her too. But I feel like I’m wishing that and I’m not and I have no way of knowing it’s just the fact that it would be easier without having to find a home for her and sell hers here as well as for us. I could go on and on. I could never just leave her though!

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You and your husband have worked hard all these years, and if it's your plan to retire near your daughter near the beach, then so be it. You should not have to put your plans on hold for anyone, including mom. It sounds like your mom is still pretty mentally sound, so if she decides to stay behind, then let her. And let your brother(the one who lives near) and mom figure things out between them. I'm sure if given a chance, he would do just fine by her. And if she decides to go with you, then just make sure she has her own place(that she pays for), so you and your husband can enjoy the retirement you both deserve.

Don't let mom rule over your happiness. You will most certainly live to regret that. You should go ahead with your plans to move, and let the rest of the chips, fall where they may. Best wishes.
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Make your move. Concentrate on yourself. If your mother wishes to move, then assist her. If your assistance prove to be of no value to her, step away and let her handle her own life. You are responsible to make a decent life for yourself. Your mother is responsible for her own life, her own decisions. She is a grownup. Please treat her as such. Read the book Boundaries.
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Move! Move! Move! Your mother has lived her life. Now its your turn. Especially if she dosen't have dementia. Your time should be with YOUR daughter. I would tell her your plans and say would you like me to help you find your own place here or where we are moving to?
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kikidp3 Nov 2020
I did not mean to hit the “Helpful Answer” button. That was not, for me, a helpful answer.
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I would say, yes, absolutely follow through with the plans you and your husband have planned....your mom can stay where she is at, or get an apartment near where you are...you are not responsible for your mother’s (or anyone else’s) happiness....we each are responsible for our own. You and your spouse have worked hard for this, so go and enjoy your retirement close to your daughter.....
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kikidp3 Nov 2020
Could you really be happy leaving behind a 90 year old to fend for herself? She’s an adult, yes, but a weaker adult. Sometimes helping others, especially parents, is what we’re called to do. Guilt is an awful thing to live with the rest of your life.
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You’re not responsible for your mother’s happiness. It sounds like she’s unhappy and guess what? That’s not going to change even if you were to let her move in with you. So what’s best for you. She’s lived a long life. You & your husband are in your golden year’s. Move closer to your daughter. Offer to help your mom find & move in to an independent living facility or senior housing. But other than, she’s an adult. If she wants to stay where she is, so be it. Just don’t let her convince her that anything will be different if she lives in with you or on to your property.
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Everyone is entitled to their own life journey.

A social worker told me that.

🏖️🦈🍹
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kikidp3 Nov 2020
Are they?
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In the nicest possible way :) - stop going on and on! Because you're going round in circles trying to predict your mother's decision.

I thought she would have to move if you did... until I got to the bit about your brother living in the same city where she is now. So she *would* have family nearby. If she doesn't want to leave her familiar places, she does have the option to stay.

Then there's the bit on your profile about how fond your mother is of your daughter, the same one you're moving to be near? So perhaps she would prefer the option to move to that area.

If the latter is so, then what you need to do is research continuing care facilities there, and maybe ask your daughter to ask around locally. Your mother's 90, I think you mention, and if she doesn't need full support now she soon will. Having a team to help her and everything ready for her on arrival would make the move much less difficult for her.

But the key thing is: you and your husband make your decision. Your mother makes her decision.

You can help her by research and project management, but she must choose from those options which are in fact available. Not, e.g., the fantasy option that she says jump and you build an extension on your new house!
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I read your post and I see so many similarities between us.

I am the only girl. I was expected to do it all. My dad and brothers were spoiled by mom. She never spoiled me but I consider that a favor to me because I learned to be independent and a hard worker.

My mom is very old fashioned and a bit of a perfectionist. She wanted everything her way instead of compromising or respecting my wishes.

I did everything for mom. She lived with me. It nearly destroyed my relationship with her.

Long story short, I burned out. Now she is under hospice care at my brother’s home.

Please do not repeat my mistake. I sacrificed my entire life for my mom. I regret it.

There were extenuating circumstances for me and in the beginning it wasn’t too bad but things change.

I didn’t fully understand certain issues that I would be facing with mom.

I honestly don’t think anyone is fully prepared when they assume responsibility for a parent living in their home.

I urge you to go live wherever you wish. Please don’t feel guilty about living your life the way you desire.

I feel that you are being very kind to invite her to go along with you with certain provisions such as separate living quarters which is smart!

She can accept this offer or decline. It’s her decision and you will have to abide by it.

Wishing you all the best in your move to be near your daughter. Enjoy being near the ocean!
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kikidp3 Nov 2020
Please don’t regret taking care of your mom. You’ll be rewarded, either on this side of heaven or on the other side. I lost my beloved husband after 45 years of marriage to cancer and had to move in with my mom who was 93 at that time. She’s now 95 and relatively healthy albeit some cognitive memory loss and control issues. Thing is she could live many more years. It’s much tougher than caring for my sweet husband. Plus I take out a lot of pent up anger on her, much of which she does not deserve. I’ve reconciled this matter by believing I’m living God’s plan, not mine. But, I also believe there’s a special reason we are designated to care for the parent we ran away from in the first place... I have no idea what that reason is though. Maybe as a second chance to fix the problems we had with them.
So, you did what you were purposed to do. I’m hoping you can do all you want to do going forward knowing you took care of your Mom, and never feel guilty about not caring for her. You did the right thing. Being selfless and putting others before yourself is always a good thing. Only those extraordinary people can do that.
To those out there who do not want to take care of Mom or want to move away and leave her alone, I say rethink it... what goes around comes around.
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You need to do what is best for yourself. Your daughter needs to do what is best for herself. If you can live near each other and help each, that would be wonderful.... but probably not a realistic wish since your personalities clash. So, default to what will work for you in the long run.
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You tell mom that you and husband are retiring and that your wished are to be close to your daughter.

Let mom know that she is more than welcome to come along but that she will need to stay in an apartment or elsewhere close to you all. Explain to her you will remain helping her as you always have.

Close the deal. No if and or but.

If mom wants to be with you, she will comply.
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I only hope I could move into my own place...one day I will. Living with my Mom after being married, living in another state for decades & caring for her now is very challenging.
My very best prayers go out to all those - mainly daughters - that are caring for Moms. We need all the strength that we can muster and all the support from others. Until you’ve walked in my shoes, you have no idea what this journey is like.
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jacobsonbob Nov 2020
Others on this forum have described similar experiences (and not all were daughters), and they choose various paths going forward. In some cases the recipient of care outlives the caregiver.
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Do not let your mother dictate your future plans. Start telling your mom now that you plan on moving. She isn't alone like you stated. Your brother is there. Just because she prefers you should not factor into anything. I wouldn't even suggest she moves with you...let her bring that subject up. If and when she does, make it very clear she will need to find her own place. Living with you is not an option...even for a short time.

Adults get to live their own lives. This means they no longer take direction from a parent. So many people on this board have made bad life choices because they were trying to please a parent instead of living their own lives. This does not mean abandoning a parent. If she wants to move near you of course you will assist in finding a place for her (that is not under your roof).
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Would your mom consider Assisted Living?
She could remain close to where your brother is but he would not have to do actual caregiving duties. He might have to take her to a doctors appointment (there are Geriatric Care Managers that will do this sort of thing as well)
You should not put your life on hold or dictate your house choice because your mom does not want to move or if she demands a Casita at your new house.
Sit down, tell her what you want. Tell her what you expect from her if she decides to move.
You could even suggest that you find a place that you and your husband want. You move first and when you are settled you will move her. While you are in that process she should stay in Assisted Living. She may find she likes community living and at that point she can stay where she is or you can look for Assisted Living in your new location.
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annemculver Nov 2020
And tell Bro to start pitching in & stop taking advantage of his mother’s prehistoric of view of “what daughters are for“!
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Do not put off your move. You can’t sit around waiting for your mother to die. She has a choice to either move or stay. No, she can’t live with you, but at her age setting her up in a house would be a big mistake. Either an independent living or assisted living facility are your best options. Get information (along with photos) of potential places and give her time to mull over them before she makes a decision. Meanwhile, cut back on time you spend with her and things you do for her so that she can see what it will be like when you’re no longer there.
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If you move her to an apt near you, you will still be at her beck and call 24 hrs a day. That is no life. Make the move for her on the condition of her entering assisted living. You are moving her to a town where she knows no one except you and your daughter. You will be her entertainment, transportation, maid, grocery shopper, etc. Is this what you want?
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annemculver Nov 2020
And failing that: tell Mom AND bro to start working together. I’m so sick of the notion that caregiving is WOMEN’S WORK! It’s everybody’s!
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I just read your profile. So there are 2 brothers? Even the one who lives out of the area could do something.

You've done your time. Move to be near your daughter. Let your brothers step up and figure out what to do with your mother.
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Let your mom know of your plans to move and if she wanted to move or stay where she is.

Then discuss that you think they would both be happier in your own homes.

She could move into her own Apartment for Seniors or get a small home of her own.

One year notice will give you plenty of time to find out how much your mom can sell her home for and how much it would cost to buy another one.
She'll be able to know if she'd end up in another home or an apartment.

Tho you might be able to find a home with an In Laws apartment or room already built on but also if you wanted, most places allow you to build on a room or even an In Laws area that has it's own bath and kitchen, with an entrance to come and go without being from the main house.

Juse depends on where you're moving to.

Start the discussion now and let your mom know exactly what her options are do she can decide rather she wants to move or stay in her home.

Or, you make tge move first and let her come visit and check things out as to what is available the following year after you move.
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Your mother could live for several years, maybe nearly a decade. Do you want to keep your life "on hold" that long, especially considering that you are trying to provide as many options as possible? You might simply end up old (and possibly bitter) yourselves!

You didn't mention how far away the daughter lives from where you are now, but if it isn't very far, then it's obvious you could visit your mother more frequently if she doesn't move.

It occurs to me that people used to move from one continent to another to improve their lives, usually knowing they wouldn't see their parents for a long time if ever again. Were they being "selfish" by doing so?

Even in the Bible is the comment from Jesus that goes "let the dead bury the dead" although the circumstances were obviously different.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2020
Hey, Bob

And Jesus accepted help from others.

He fell with His heavy cross three times. Others
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Hello
after 20 years of caring for my parents , I have come to realize , a parent is not out responsibility.

It sounds like you are making plans for your life which you have a right to do . And i am not hearing you want to live with mom.
does your mom want to move ?
Independent or assistive living may be a better option .
my parents moved with us 20 years ago and they never adjusted. I came to realize , my mom was pessimistic and controlling . It put a strain on my relationship with my husband and deeply affected all aspects of my life .
Despite my mom being unhappy , they had no one else to go and took it out on my family for being the one to try and help them .
They become my soul responsibility.
Recently ,My mom past and I have to care for my dad now . My siblings have not called or been around in 11 months .

I would suggest , you speak to your mom about what are her plans when you move? And let her know , you are moving and she needs to make plans .
It is a difficult decision. You may want to work with a Sw or counselor to assist you.
My dad’s OT and Sw through Pallative care have helped me figuring out my dad’s needs and moving forward .
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Talk to your mother about your plans and wishes. Find out what her wishes are. Would she be willing to move into an assisted living facility in a new city near where you want to be? Or if she is capable of living independently in an apartment with aides - is that an option? Make sure that all of her paperwork is in order (will, POA for medical and financial decisions, living will so that you know her wishes, etc.) As people age, they need more care, so you need to consider that as you think about alternatives. It is more difficult handling aides and visits to assisted living facilities from long distance. Don't try to estimate when she will die. She could live on for years. This happened to our cousins whose mother passed away at 104. They moved to be near her when she was in her 90s thinking it would only be for a couple of years.
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At this moment in my life, I just want to say I am almost glad you are at least wrestling with these isssues because I have a selfish sibling who has recently conveyed while she would NEVER move back to our area, WE (MY elder parents I care for and myself) CAN MOVE TO BE CLOSER TO HER, in her sweatbox a state. It is a tough situation to be sure. It will help if YOU are sure about what can be offered/available prior to approaching your mom. Where is hubby in all this? She is clearly a challenging personality and seriously, for your own health and well being, you are right that you cannot live together. Are granny flats possible so she does have a separate space possibly on your property? Can a separate suite be added to where you choose to be with separate entry, bath, kitchen area? What supportive services can be arranged for where she currently resides? Keep in mind you are clearly a caring person, and if you do opt to make the move (which is probably wise and reasonable as you age), you will still be connected and worry and run back from time to time...so the distance will give you some relief, but you won't be escaping it entirely either.
PS...I felt in fine health and recently (end of Sept) suffered a aortic dissection. It can arise from various contributing factors including high blood pressure. So do not feel selfish looking out for your own well-being. Good luck with it all.
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Two questions, Is the only reason you are moving there is to be near your daughter? What if she moves? I say that because a good friend of mine moved from Downey California to Fontana to be near son. After a few years the son got a job in another state and he moved. About 3 years ago, they downsized and moved to my town, Riverside CA to be near daughter who said she would always be here. Husband died, now 2 months ago Son-on-Law's job told him they needed him to move to Texas. She decided to stay here. She has another daughter about 20 minutes away. The point I want to make is, if daughter is the only reason you are moving there, think twice.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2020
Same thing happened in my neighborhood. An elderly couple moved several times following their son. He kept getting transferred to other places.

The elderly parents got tired of moving and decided to stay here.
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Imho, don't put your plans off. My husband and I did this - putting off plans because "what if mother gets sick?" Never did do what we planned, mother's dead and now we're too old to do what we planned.
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how old is your mother? you say she does not have dementia, does she have other issues?  We all give up something until something else happens.  She might live another 20 years. do you want to wait that long?  if not, how about maybe an Assisted living place close to where you would be at near the beach?  If the cost is too much for her to handle, can she stay where she is in an assisted living place.  You can always visit and you will know that she is being looked after.  Your brother could visit without having to do anything.  This way she might be around other people her age, etc.  Other than that, you either move her close to you at the beach, let her stay where she is but in an AL place, or move her in with you (bad idea)OR stay where you are for who knows how long.  Either way its a difficult decision.  wishing you luck.
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