Mom gets angry when I tell her "No." Does anyone have advice on how I should deal with this?

I tell my mil who lives with us," Well, maybe you can ask so and so to do that." She knows none of them will and drops it. Or my new one, "Well, when you miraculously recover and can do your own laundry, you can stuff all the melty chocolates you want in your pockets, or... cook your own favorite meal over and over again, but I cook a varied diet, live in stacks and stacks of old magazines and newspapers and junkmail, but I keep a clean house."

Look at it this way. Did you ever have to tell you kid NO and did they get mad? Did you stop telling them NO because they would get mad? Of course not! Why is this any different?

Forget her age or physical limitations - that does NOT matter. She is destroying you and abusing you and making life hell for you. What have you done to deserve that - nothing. Forget about being nice and sweet and disrupt her thinking and so forth. Stand your ground, get tough - pretend she is a person on the street who wants to mug you or threaten your well being or your life. Fight back. Let her have it big time and say you will not allow her behavior and nasty treatment of you and unless she stops immediately (and I assure you she will only get worse), then you have made up your mind that you are finished in any relationship with her, she should find someone else, and if it doesn't stop, you are going to forcibly put her somewhere at once. She will get furious and go into shock but it might stop her in her tracks long enough for you to find someplace to put her. I have lived a hard, tough life and one thing I learned far to late is that when people start trampling on you, regardless of the reason, you either find a way to stop them from doing harm to you immediately or your remove them from your presence and don't look back. Please stand up to her and start looking where to put her. Don't let her destroy you.

It is very difficult. Utterly difficult. At one point, I told my mother that she can’t afford to be nasty with me. I’m an only child. Kind talks, biting my tongue, recommendations for her to be on meds for her nastiness, twisting myself into a pretzel. I said to her one day in a calm voice, you will know when I am done. It’s your choice if you want me to go in that direction.

I got myself into therapy. I learn some skills on how to detach. When she starts getting nasty, that’s my cue, I end the conversation. I’m 53 and too damn old to have to walk on eggshells with her or with anybody for that matter.

Mother is too obstinate and too old to change. The change needed to happen with me. I set boundaries for myself. We are just mere mortals, we have limits. I know when I reached mine, I got help, not for her but for myself.

At least she fessed up to her "erring in raising you." That's rich. I have to remember that one.

I would suggest that you research "Validation Therapy". It is a new way to approach those with dementia. I recently went through a training and was very impressed with what I learned.

As other people have said only advice I can give is "agree" with them or say just seem interested which is what I (26) and my parents do with my grandma. Like others have said me, my parents and a sprinkling of family/friends are the main ones who see her. I guess whether at my age dealing with these issues is your opinion (I've gotten answers both ways though the nos are mainly people who know me (I guess cause they know with my depression and other mental issues)) I guess just at my age it (for me anyway) feels awkward since I don't know what neccesarily is coming up next with my grandma, though she's getting more nasty over time she is still independent which also causes the what's next but as well as my own life as well as my parent's as well as brother and SIL as I know just recently married I will be part of any kids they have lives (they live next door) so yeah I'm not exactly sure where I was going with this but just to me it irritates me when I see someone on here point a finger and "shout" at someone about what they should/shouldn't be doing, whether they're in their parents life enough, saying they are/aren't a horrible son/daughter because even if they've posted info you really can't judge unless you know them personally... something I understand being deaf in one ear as well as hard of hearing... I wonder all the time what people think of me... do they think I'm rude because I didn't answer not knowing they spoke, what are they thinking about me asking to repeat, do they realize the way they changed their tone/volume was hurtful (yes it is depending on how it's done. I need you to speak a little louder not yell at the top of your lungs (which makes it just as hard to understand you) or talk ridiculously slow like I have no brain capacity

Hello
This happens alot even with caregivers but i have learnt that the best thing is agreeing with them and acknowledging their ideas are good. Then next refute her idea in a 'very strict/categorical no' answer with a 'BUT' word....argue your objection with a simple fact eg mediction she is taking or even the weather at that time. Like driving on a rainy or ❄ day if you are arguing about driving.

She erred in raising you? Wow. Remove her or yourself from the toxic situation.

Kindness and tenderness smothered with lots of love are qualities We as Carers need to possess in abundance. We can never be confrontational and no is not a word We should choose to use as it is far better to postpone that request until
later."I'm"Your Mom is in Her 88 year and has age related Demensia and is having to endure poor health also and believe me this time will end far too soon as death will come like a thief in the night when You least expect it to. Please for Your Moms sake and equally for Your own adopt the kinder approach because when this time ends all We are left with are memories. I know it is difficult so do not be afraid to get help in as You can not do it all on Your own. Also avail of Restbite Care which is a Godsend.

If you truly have done everything possible you could do to help her and care for her, and she still treats you badly, then you have a choice to make. Are you going to allow her to treat you so badly and in the process destroy YOU or are you going to put a complete stop to it. It is simply NOT acceptable and you cannot allow her to treat you badly. First tell her in no uncertain terms, there are limits and you will NOT allow her to do certain things because of the effect on you. Then, if it continues, I think you have two options: first you hire someone to deal with her and you get out of the picture or you must find a place where she can go to be cared for by people who are trained to handle these people. You cannot under any circumstances put up with this. I know she has dementia but you did not give her that and you can't fix it - so now do something for YOU.

I have a VERY similar situation. My Mother never gave me the "raised poorly" comment. However I would tell her that based on her comment it is HER fault if what she is saying is true and she just admitted it. My Mother sometimes makes comments to my daughter who comes to our house to help her and I want to go through the roof since my daughter is like an actual angel and does superb work plus she has worked professionally in Senior Care and pharmacies. I could suggest telling your mom that you will not do something she likes to see how she reacts but that has not worked well for me since my mom forgets most everything in her near term memory. (But remembers things from her childhood forward excluding near term). You are in a hard place I know I am there with you.

It is quite common for those with dementia to turn on the person that is closest to them - this is spouse, sibling, child as this doesn't seem to matter the exact relationship - we all have been through this in one way or another - I think of it as the 'BADGE OF COURAGE' to be dealing with this

I finally had to put my foot down with my mom - she lit into me when I got there then she yelled 'if you don't do it then leave' so I said 'goodbye and remember I am your only visitor' and left within 5 minutes of getting there & didn't go back for days [40 min each way to the NH] - she realized she was cutting off her nose to spite her face & was much better after that

It seems that with my mom, she would remember things with strong emotions attached - so because she was yelling at me & I left immediately then afterwards she was better most of the time - I also told her quite forcefully that I would not accept that type of behavior from her .... basically you are dealing with a 3 year old with extra baggage - so would you take that sort of stuff from a 3 year old? ..... NO so why take what is abuse from someone you are helping -

It took a few times but she finally realized that when she was nice everything was better for her - she was incapable of reasoning or verbalizing but when there was no visitors then there was no treat also [I always brought something small like a doughnut or a specialty coffee] & that as much as anything was why she cleaned up her act .... at least with me

Try taking a firm stance - like marking off on a calendar with high lighter which days you will be there & note the day you will do any shopping for her [once a week except for emergency meds] - it will take a few tries but the line in the sand is drawn now & stay firm as this won't be overnight -

Best of luck to you & the rest of us in the same situation but it helps knowing that others are in the same boat & have survived - then she will slip down farther & you may miss her spiritness [OK that's a stretch ... LOL]

BTW, there is no such thing as "age-related dementia". Most of us will suffer from some age-related memory loss (names, dates, where we put something etc) but real dementia is more than memory problems.

You mother puts demands on you because she sees no other option. You are her AL plan! Make a new schedule and find some other helpers. Take at least 1 day off a week. Try to stay positive and not argue with her!

As I read your letter I could see my life. The only difference is my mom is 90 and I have no siblings. I can feel your pain. My mom lives about 3 streets away and I used to drop in while walking the dog. Not anymore since I got told I “breeze in and out”. When dad was alive I could stay 15-20 minutes and that was good now it is a “breeze in” accusation. I have been blamed for so much now that I will not go and see her without someone being there. She is like your mom, nice to everyone else so when I go now I only go with a buddy so I am protected. So sad. If I told my mom her snarkyness is driving me away, it would just cause another problem. Cannot win. I now take a anti-anxiety pill before going to see her with a buddy. Stay strong and know that you are not alone and doing the best for your mom in the situation you have.

Im1984, my 91-yr-old mom has similar behavior as your mom expresses. She refused to move from her two-story condo, even as her health deteriorated, until after several hospitalizations, a doctor told her she couldn't live alone without someone living with her - to her, doctors are authority and she accepted his declaration. I'd tried for years to get her out of her home. Currently my mom lives in AL, but regardless of her living arrangements, she has always wanted me to wait on her hand and foot, sit with her for hours while she naps, "get me a glass of water," or whatever, and put it right there (at the preferred angle). And I have done these things in the past, to my angst and frustration. I now live one thousand miles away (used to live 2500 mies away), have no siblings, so when I am with her I have to stay in a hotel and have no excuse to be any place else (or stayed with her when she lived alone in her own home). The last two years have been one major health crisis after another, taking toll on her mind also. In her bad moments, she treats me with anger, unrestrained fury, vulgar language. Other family members have witnessed her tirads at me, and they get up and say, "OK, I'm leaving now," and walk straight out the door. I started doing this too, or saying, "stop yelling at me or I'm leaving," or when she asks me to do something I won't do, like buy her alchohol and I say, "No I won't and you shouldn't have any," she'll say, "You have no right to tell me what I can't have," and I'll say, "You are right but I'm not buying any." Actually, I do have the right to tell her no because I have all proper legal authorities she assigned to me, but that does not matter to her. Her mind is going. She cannot remember that she even has any great-grandchildren, much less their names and how old they are. Anyway, my point here is to express my solidarity with you, that we have mothers with similar behavior, and that I, too, am concerned for my health welfare. I have had to develop my own personal boundries and stick with them when she pushes them. She is in a great AL for many reasons and her daily needs are met. She is not like this all the time, but there is no knowing who picks up the phone when I call - the nice mom or the mean mom - and then the conversation goes one way or another. As for my health, I feel pressure to take care of myself because if something happens to me, then all this falls to my oldest (middle-age) child (who lives farther away than me) who has a full busy life. I couldn't do that to him, so I have to take care of me, and that means healthy boundaries for me and my mom. It's like the safety instructions on an airplane: in the case of the cabin depressurizing, oxygen masks will drop from the cabin and you put yours on first before helping someone else. I wish you and I were friends - we could go out for coffee and then a nice walk to clear our minds and recenter ourselves. It's anguishing to shoulder this alone (my hubby is very supportive but has his own limited limits). Every morning I read the daily AgingCare email and questions, because I find such reassurances here that others are going through this journey too, and there is good advise here. God bless.

I have a milder case, but it's still relevant. I live with and provide 24x7 care for my dying Aunt. I told her I need 7:30-8:30 a.m. for myself. She continued to interrupt and we had to have a sit-down-come-to-Jesus about how this was important to me. I need to check correspondence and do yoga to start my day and without that I'm not at my best. I believe you should do the same. We all feel resentment at one time or another, but to keep that at a minimum you need to feel your boundaries are being respected. Just my 2¢ worth.

You must DETACH. I’ve been there: the mom who considers her sons her icons, and her daughter her servant. Do what you need to do in good conscience, and get and TRY to get help with the rest. (step up to the plate, bros.) Don’t put up for one minute with one shred of abuse. Take care of yourself first. And inform her, gently but FIRMLY, how things are going to be. Check yourself: be sure you’re being reasonable - but you’re in charge now, as well you should be.

Hi I do understand what you are saying. You always find the person that does the most gets the grief. In saying that though my mum of 89 died in June with Dementia. Dementia is a terrible disease, so please be as patient as possible with her. My mum God bless her went downhill and passed away within weeks. When you are annoyed or upset at what she says walk into another room or leave for a while. Believe me things can change in the blink of an eye . Do all you can while you can don't worry what others are doing. Take the ups and downs there part of life x

Do not ever say NO. You should always respond positively. Like: I want cake. Yes mom after we have had our dinner. I want an ice cream. Yes mom, after we eat, we are going for a walk in the park and we will have ice cream. My treat.

The same when she demands more visits or a trip to the mall, etc. Do not waste your time to logically explain things like cake before dinner ruins your appetite or we do not have ice cream at home.

The fact that she abuses you while she is cordial with others... that is a normal behavior that our loved ones show with their main caregiver. The barriers are all down and they expect miracles from the daughter who does most of the heavy lifting. This was discussed on a different forum and a patient who could still comment intelligently said "I make a hard effort to show to the outsiders that everything is going well and I am OK. It takes a lot of energy and concentration. I do not need to make the same effort with my wife because she knows how bad it is and she understands". So take it please as part of the disease not a grudge against you with all that you do.

Good luck.

Both my parents (92 & 93) are alive and living in AL 30 minutes away. Mom has dementia, dad has medical issues that make him tire easily and get cranky. Every time I see him or we talk on the phone he has another "favor" to ask. I used to do it right away, even if it was inconvenient. Now I say, "sure - the next time I go to the store, etc." It is a "yes" with "limits."

He was also getting nasty with me at times, so I finally said a few times that if he was going to be crotchety with me I was going to leave. Took a few times (and my mother who always says thank you for helping and tells him to say thank you!) and that subsided.

Now if he calls and it is really an emergency I don't feel so burned out doing something quickly.

Don’t say no, just tell her you will have to do it a bit later. This will put her off for a bit and she may forget what she asked from you. Remember also that she is basically regressing to a point she doesn’t always have control over her emotions.

you are very lucky she is still able to her own do basic care. My mom is 89 and for years I had to bathe, toilet, hand feed her, get her teeth brushed..she consumes my life and drained my life savings because it is like caring for a 150 pound baby and every bit as helpless.

If you know all of this, suggest a caregiver to help Mom. Actually, you can talk to her doctor and if she is qualified under "Skilled nursing" let us say, Medicare will find her someone to come up at least three days a week to help her out.
Keep an eye on Mom. These old people at this age at this stage are stubborn as mules. Rather than listen to the likes of the family who are looking out for their well being, they will stay until one day they end up falling down and getting an ambulance up there to get them to a hospital. And many don't end up coming home.
If things would continue and you would see bigger problems to be concerned about, Call your Adult Services in your County to file a Report and begin the ball rolling. This would be the "Endangerment of an Elderly Vulnerable Person" Report.

Hang in there and during your free time go have a massage and rejuvenate. Parent are parent and they expect their children to be obedient regardless of their age. If her words become harsh tell her that she hurts your feeling andyou are going home for a time out. Second, if you have to say no to her put a "yes" answer before the "no". Example, Mommie yes i would love to help you clean the whole house but i can't (no) do it right now because i have an important errand to run. Do not burn yourself out and dont feel guilty about not being their 300% of the time. If you have a small stroke like i did, then you will not be able to help her at all. Take care of yourself first. Words hurt but sickness will kill your joy. Be well.

I dont answer no. i just Dont do what they say if it is not reasonable. its pointless to argue and make both of you upset. Just listen and then chose what you decide to do. when they are negative, dont take it personally. They are just feeling frustrated.

I’m afraid I have to agree with ArtistDaughter. Expecting someone with dementia to be reasonable can get nearly impossible as the dementia worsens.

I once was having a discussion with my mother regarding something unpleasant that had happened to me as a child.

Moms take on the occurance was off kilter that I stupidly needed to correct her and reminder what really happened.

Of course it lead to an argument.

Finally, I said to her “it happened to me - you weren’t even there! Do you really think your memory of the situation is more accurate than mine?”

You see, I really didn’t understand much about dementia at the time - or I never would have bothered with contradicting her in the first place.

Of my mother snapped “yes it is”. And, proceeded to tell me of the many other ways she’s smarter than me. Sigh!

Soooo - rather than trying to get your mother to understand and be reasonable - I think you’re better off developing strategies on how to not let her get to you.

Sorry to say...

MargaretMcKen's idea of making lists is reasonable for a reasonable person, but with dementia, my experience is that it doesn't work well. My husband thought to have my mom sign for decisions made one day, so I could show her the next day that she agreed. She just said when shown the agreement that she changed her mind and that she wished to put it in writing that she changed her mind. Or she would insist that it wasn't her signature. This is because she didn't remember agreeing.

This question made me recall how my mom--many years ago--would reply to my spoiled-child mad snit fits:
"You've got the same old rags to get glad in."
Not usually the answer I wanted at the time, but it's really pretty profound and puts the responsibility for our feelings where it belongs; and it's helped me a lot.

My 92 year old dad acts like a toddler so I treat him like a toddler. I find myself resorting to the methods I used with my kids. He cooperates better for others than me so I use the help of his caregivers to get things accomplished. He takes better direction from them. I know it's the dementia talking.