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My mom lives in AL with different levels of care. She has her own little room with bath and goes to the dining hall for meals. She was diagnosed with MCI a few years ago and it's continued to decline. It's like her mind is just gradually going away completely, so strange because she was always curious and interested in things and ideas. So far she still knows who I am and who she is, but It's not possible to have a conversation with her, because she has no points of reference or common understandings. She has few friends and has always been introverted and prone to depression, and now that you can't really converse with her (and her friends are getting older too), she doesn't have much to do. She sleeps a lot, more all the time.


I feel like a terrible person, because I absolutely hate going to visit her. The smell of the dining hall, the elderly infirm people on walkers and in wheelchairs, the moment of entering her room and seeing her asleep again, waking her up and getting her to put on her glasses and hearing aids, the laboring to make small talk, answering the same questions as ever and being unable to get her to understand what I do for a living, on and on. I just hate it.


Last time I went, she was fast asleep as usual, and I just couldn't. So I tidied up, checked her supplies for what she might need, then just left a note and went home.


I used to be able to get myself over there once a week, then it was every 2 weeks, now every month. I'm in an intensifying spiral of guilt - resistance - guilt - resistance.


What is wrong with me? She's a sweet little old lady. She can still be very funny at odd moments. Or infuriating too. I know I have a lot of baggage from the past when she didn't take very good care of me. Maybe I haven't forgiven her? I don't know.


Has anyone here stuggled with these kinds of painful, conflicting, confusing feelings? I wish I understood it better. I feel so bad about it all the time. Thanks for listening.

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I had a good Mom but I went thru the same thing. By the time she was placed in the AL she could not carrying on a conversation. She talked but just as you were answering her, she was on a different subject. She declined monthly. When I visited, I talked more to the other residents then her. I really understand where ur coming from.
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Kittybee Feb 2019
Thanks, it's helpful just to know others have been there too. Underneath everything, I think I must just be really sad, and going over there brings me face to face with it and there's nothing I can do about it.

I read a couple other posts where people felt guilty that they wished their loved one would die. I have that thought too at times. How can she stand the emptiness of her life? Sometimes I think that she has "decided" to pass the time by sleeping, and one day she just won't wake up.
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My mom is in SNF and it is really difficult visiting her, conversation with her is very limited. She sits at the table with her friends and I usually end up talking with the one lady who was on the same floor when they were both in AL side. I used to go once a week to see her, but she’s kept busy with the activities and I know she’s being looked after. I go visit when I can. It’s hard to see them as they are and remembering who they used to be. I miss talking with her.
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Kittybee Feb 2019
The AL place does some care for her, just getting her up each day and bathed, they do her laundry, make her take her meds. But no activities, though she'd probably refuse anyway. She does love Scrabble, weirdly enough. She still has words up there!
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Yes, I understand where you are coming from. I have written on other posts about my loss of feelings related to my parents. My parents are both now in a nursing home and I see them three, sometimes four times a week. I spend half the time tidying up, talking to the staff about them, and the rest of the visit is for them. Years ago (my siblings and I began the caregiving journey over 17 years ago), I asked God to help me to see them through His eyes and to give me the will and power to continue to care for them because I was so loathe to do it. This is an ongoing prayer. I can only say he continues to answer my prayer on this issue daily. On my own strength and will, I could not.

I do not enter the nursing home without asking Jesus to go in with me. The sights, smells, sounds are all filtered through the love of God. Is it all wonderful? No, but I experience it all in a way that is bearable and has purpose. There are many other residents there that I have grown to care for and who welcome me like a relative. Yes, they are old, demented, and often outwardly unlovely, but I greet and visit with them anyway. All through the grace and power of God. Of myself, I could not do this because my natural inclination is to shrink from, avoid or flee. I sometimes marvel at my own reactions now and how they have changed. To God be the glory.
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Kittybee Feb 2019
It's good you've found a way. You visit them a lot!
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I can't tell you how comforting it is to see a post like this. Because I feel the same and I feel the guilt. You were brave to come right out and say it. I too hate going to visit my mom with dementia (Alzheimer's) in AL. The shock of the facility, which is lovely really but it is a "holding pen" for seniors. And sometimes you encounter someone who is really having a hard time and it's a real shock to think that is where mom lives now. And then there's what mom is like now - unhappy, repeatedly asking the same questions, and unable to understand her situation and why she has to be there. My brother and I each go twice a week. Each time I take deep breath before going in. What has helped me is adjusting my attitude. That is the one thing I can control. The following things have not made the negative feelings go away, but do help):

I try not to think negatively about mom before I go. I realized that when I did this, it was mostly my guilt trying to make her seem unreasonable/unpleasant so I could feel better (lots of guilt) about not taking her to live with me. I now tell myself that our visits are the highlight of her day and the least I can do is make her happy while I'm there. Even if it means pretending to be cheerful and wanting to see her. Hard because I'm not an actor and it goes against my nature, but I do my best. It has made a difference.

I've cut my visits down to 30-45 minutes, tops, unless I'm taking her to an appointment. The shorter time is more bearable for me, and it passes quickly. And I do the visit at the start of my errands, so I get it over with, then go on to do other things (groceries, shopping, banking, etc). I'll admit I even reward myself by doing a little shopping for myself afterwards sometimes. Now, I remember how good it feels to leave, with my visit done, and the rest of the day and next couple of days "free".

And as others have said, I've gotten to know some of the other residents. Some visits are spent sitting with mom and her 2 best friends and chatting all together. Also calling other residents by name and touching their hands or giving a hug - I know they appreciate this and it makes me feel good. I've had some nice chats with some of the staff too. This all personalizes my experience there and makes it seem less institutional.

These have helped me adjust my attitude. I learn a lot from these forums - ideas for doing something, or for adjusting my expectations. Hope this helps. It's a tough go.

Trish
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Kittybee Feb 2019
Thank you, Trish. These are all good ideas for coping, and I especially like the point about negative thinking being guilt/justification for avoidance. I think this must be at work for me too. I like the idea of thinking beyond the visit too, to the next things you need to do, and your reward! lol.

My mom had one friend, but that friend has become quite old and in constant pain, and can't now really handle visiting my mom very much - but I visit her and we have nice conversations. She's an avid knitter, so she always shows me what she's been working on, and it's always something new, she's so fast. She also paints beautiful little pictures, so we talk about that. Or we'll talk about something about my mom - she does look out for her, which is a big help. It is a bright spot I sometimes reward myself with after I'm done with my mom.
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So, I felt very much the same. I kept my visits to once a week tops and one hour. Always brought a treat ( a latte and a chocolate cookie or cake) so mom had some thing occupy her. I also came with about 30 minutes of " material". Sort of like stand up. Funny stories about my kids , grandkids, cousins and friends of mine that she knew. I embellished A LOT.

Then I'd push her wheelchair outside to look at the pond and trees or if the weather was bad, around the facility to see who was where and look out the windows at the weather.

Then back to her room and I'd cut her fingernails, trim her facial hair and lotion her up with something that smelled nice.

It was exhausting. But having a plan helped.
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Kittybee Feb 2019
This is terrific. I've experimented with this without even being aware I was doing so. You're right, the visits where I have a plan are always the least stressful and most "successful." She is very visual and loves looking around at things like plants and trees and planes flying through the sky. She enjoys the taxi rides when I take her to appointments, enjoys looking at the buildings. Also, I've been able at times to realize that she's not in the right mood for a visit, which will only make me feel bad, so I'll say, well I was just in the neighborhood (not!) and thought I'd stop by. Great to see you, love you bye! And that can be enough.

Thank you!
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I can relate to everything you've said. I feel the same. My relationship with my mother was complicated and not the most positive. Still, she raised me and sacrificed for me and I feel I owe her. I feel so guilty that I am not doing more for her but caring for her is overwhelming. I visit her once a week at the group home she lives at and basically can't wait to leave once I get there. She is unhappy with everything and very negative. There is nothing I can do to make her happy though I try. I think its important to still be positive around our parents in this situation and to try not to let our distress show. I am struggling with this, but I know it's important.

I want the best for her and am trying to stay strong. It does help to know that others share the same feelings/experiences. Do what you can for her and remember not to be too hard on yourself. Hang in there!
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Kittybee Feb 2019
Thank you! I wish I had advice for you. You are showing up for her regardless of "reward" and that's huge in itself. You're right, you can't "make" her happy, you can only do what you can do. The fact that you keep showing up for her is the main thing.

Also, I struggled with that feeling of "owing" my mom. But then I thought, wait a minute, SHE decided to have me - I didn't ask for it! When you're a mother, you give to your children and that's that. There's no moral obligation or law that says the child now is required to reciprocate. When the relationship is, shall we say, "mixed" as mine with my mom is, it's even harder to justify putting that guilt trip on yourself.

And the real point of that is to just remove that guilt and keep removing it when it comes back. You have the best intentions for her, you continue to show up and do your best for her. There is nothing to feel guilty about.
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My mom and I had a positive relationship but I can still easily relate to the yuck of visiting. My mom was in a nursing home, over time she lost verbal ability, and visits were hard with one sided conversations. She was fully present, but not able to contribute much, and though it was a very good nursing home I couldn’t help but hate the environment. What I learned from watching the place though, was that the visits were important to show the staff we cared. Residents who had regular visits and involved family were treated with more care and kindness, it’s the truth. It may not be the best side of human nature, but it’s still true, when people see that you care, they care more. That’s why you plow through and show up, it keeps the staff knowing you’re paying attention and aware that this is a resident that is cared about
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Kittybee Feb 2019
Oh, wow! I never thought of that. I'll bet that's very true. The caregivers there are overworked but remain as cheerful as they can, but...they're overworked. Mom isn't a complainer, so it would be easy to overlook her when given the choice between her and someone who was noisier and/or had a lot of people looking in on her.

Thank you so much.
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Oh, something else. I gave myself a reward after every visit. There was a fabulous dairy with homemade ice cream nearby. I gained 25 pounds in the 4.5 years my mom was in the NH.

When my doc noticed, I explained that ice cream and white wine were getting me through this stressful period in my life. He told me that Bourbon was probably a better idea. Ps I've lost the weight.
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CantDance Feb 2019
Barb,

You crack me up!
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Oh, and bring a box of donuts/cookies/fresh fruit each time you visit. Leave it at the nurse's desk with a note attached "from Mrs. M".

Found out mom's nurse was gluten intolerant and brought GF treats. It makes a difference.
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Kittybee Feb 2019
What a wonderful idea. One problem is that I can't seem to get all the information on the people who care for her, where they hang out, etc. It's very strange; it's like I'm asking the questions wrong or something. But this give me fresh motivation to keep trying.
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Kittybee, yes, keep trying; the fact that you're around and about makes a big difference with the workers. I've found that if I ask questions and get things done on behalf of my client/friend (I'm her companion) in AL, she gets more and better attention from them. Because her memory's going, I can't always get straight answers from her, so am not sure whether they come to get her for meals, help her dress, stay in the room or help while she showers, or not. She says no; if I ask, they say yes (lol) - guess who's in the middle trying to make sense of it all, when there IS no sense to it? It definately makes a difference to be involved, though, whether you can get it all done or not.
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Kittybee Feb 2019
Argh, I can so relate to that constant confusion of never quite knowing what's going on! And trying to get the staff to communicate with me about major things like her being sick is nigh impossible. I would have to spend more time over there - no substitute from just being there and watching things go on. But I can't do that, for my own sanity. So I've learned to accept I'll never really know the truth of what's going on, trust the staff (who really are sweet people), and hope that I will hear when/if something serious happens.
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Its normal to feel the way you do. If you can't communicate with her now, you are frustrated. I have my mom ask the same questions everytime I visit. I try to just give her a short answer because I know she will ask me tomorrow. And I feel so sad and guilty for leaving her there. But she can no longer live alone or even with me. She needs so much care.
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I didn’t have the easiest childhood and mom was narcissistic to boot. We tolerated each other for many years. She definitely wasn’t “maternal” and the pregnancy wasn’t her “idea”.

Fast forward to mid stage Alzheimer’s. I (the only child) had to intervene. We had her at our house for 3 months but that physically and mentally didn’t work. She’s been in memory care for 3 years.


She’s in stage 6 Alzheimer’s and has (finally) lost her narcissism. I like her a lot more now! She even told me a few months ago that she loved me (although she didn’t know our relationship). It brought a tear to my eye, as I’d waited 61 years to hear that.

I guess being a nurse helps me tolerate the other residents and their smells/sounds/looks and the building.

I’ve forgiven my mom for not being the mother I wanted and needed. She needs me to watch over her and I need to do that. However, I also visit for only 20 minutes at a time, because we are both “done” by then. We visit once or twice a week. She’s in better physical shape at 96 than I am at 62!

Try forgiving your your mom for not being who you needed her to be. Maybe you will see your visits in a new light.
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Kittybee Feb 2019
I admire you for doing the work of forgiving your narcissistic mother. And for becoming a nurse! Nurses are like earth angels! I have had a few who were completely not down with my slightly delirious, weepy nonsense the few times I was in the hospital, and just told me to suck it up, do the work, and get out of there asap. I appreciated those people so much! Yes, changing bedpans, dealing with gross bandages, smells, etc. Bless you!
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I think that feeling of helplessness when we can't find a conversational topic is a major reason we begin not wanting to visit our elderly family members. It makes us feel lacking and brings our LO's decline into a painful laser focus. It's only natural to want to avoid emotional pain. When the "normal" conversations we have had with our LOs no longer work, we need to look at what's still left and adjust to our new reality.

As my mother's short term memory deteriorated we came to a point where the discussions we used to have over politics, current events, books we read and family dynamics just didn't work anymore. Since her long term memory is still good, we converse about the past. Going through photo albums and talking about where a picture was taken or what was going on when the picture was taken still works. I have learned so much about my older brothers' childhoods and my mother's younger years. There's a FB page where people show old photographs of the town so I print those out too for conversation starters. Mom also liked music and often sang while doing housework, so we sing too. Even when Mom doesn't join in the conversation all that much, she still really enjoys hearing about her grandkids and great-grandchildren or seeing photos of what they are doing. She may not remember it an hour later, but we still enjoyed the telling/interaction. After you have made this transition, it's so much easier to really enjoy your visits again.
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Kittybee Feb 2019
My mom and her mom used to sing with the radio back during WWII. Rum and coca-cola! I once saw a little documentary about people with dementia and music, how music kind of bypasses the "logic" part of the brain that is so badly affected in dementia, and connects with something deeper and less affected. People who were not verbal were given old familiar tunes on headphones, and started to sing the lyrics and the melody. My mom loved classical music. The problem is that she can't operate any kind of button-pushing mechanism like an iPod or tape player, so I don't know how to get music to her as part of her daily routine.

My mom and I do connect in one way: on a beautiful day if I have the time, we'll go sit outside in the little garden, and I can tell she is just so happy to be there at that moment looking at the flowers and plants, commenting on the interesting leaf shapes or the way the light comes through the trees. That makes me happy, to see her happy and kind of being more her own self. She was always very visual, was a photographer and then a painter. Thank goodness her macular degeneration was stopped in its tracks.
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Yes, I have felt this way, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. What is horrible, wrong, and unfair is that your Mom is going through a decline that has undoubtedly been very rough on her, and also on you, her loving daughter. That fact is a sad reality that is no one’s fault.

When I feel overwhelmed by guilt about my decisions of how to best care for my parents (Dad can’t speak and has other mounting impairments after a series of strokes. Mom is 88, and still in some denial about her own limitations) while still holding onto what I need for myself, my husband, and my son with autism, this is my mantra:

There is a world of difference between feelings and actions. I can’t control my feelings, but I can control how I act on those feelings.

So for example, I made the same decision you did about cutting down on the frequency of my visits, which were not only getting harder on me, but also on my Mom, who is still together enough to try (but fail) to put on a brave face for my benefit. Now I visit less frequently, but can be more present for both of my parents while I am there. I also check in with my own feelings while I’m there. When Mom (who never had very much control over her snappishness) starts to lose her temper, I find a way to excuse myself gracefully, to avoid an escalation, and since I really do have a long-drive through NYC rush-hour traffic, at least it’s an honest excuse.

So yeah, I often feel guilty, frustrated, and angry that I don’t have more to give them, but remembering that I’m giving everyone who needs care the best of what I have to give helps a little.
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Kittybee Feb 2019
Thanks, Aikyo, this is really helpful. After reading this, I remembered how my mom's pal at the AL place has an only son who doesn't live in the area and only comes for a visit at xmas, and then is in and out as fast as possible. So, at least I am visiting once or twice a month. I am paying all her bills and simplifying things and even saving out a little of her SS against the day she needs a bit more. I got her out of debt and kept her there. I make sure she has the supplies she needs, the hearing aid batteries, shampoo, etc. I take her to appointments and run interference with those caregivers.

So I have to remind myself, I am showing up for her. Part of this is my own expectations of myself, maybe they're a little unrealistic. Maybe I'm not a "terrible person." None of us on here are. We're all struggling with difficult feelings and situations. Some of the stories I've read here just boggle my mind. I don't know how people get through it.
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I definitely feel the same way. It makes me question if I'm really a good person. But I know I am. I'm also human, and it's darn hard..to let go of past baggage, know the adage, "they took such good care of you as a child, so you owe it to them" may not apply to my life..so, you're human...and we all understand...do what you can, and what you can live with.
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Kittybee Feb 2019
Amen. I feel envious of people who talk about their LO with great love and affection, I wonder what it feels like to have that toward my mom. I am capable of it, as I felt it for my late DH and my dad, so I know I'm not a sociopath or anything.

"Do what you can, and what you can live with." Thank you.
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Hi Kitty
i feel ya!
my mum has mixed dementia and in AL. She has her own flat in a wonderful facility, but keeps packing to move ‘home’ ,she has lots of fight in her. I’ve tried everything, such as gently talking about it - to notes plastered on cupboard walls. She can be slightly aggressive, but she is also is sooo relieved when I see her. I buy her food every week, and see her twice a week but I too hate going round. Your end paragraph really resounded with me as my mum too , struggled bringing me up. She had mental breakdowns and we were never emotionally close, it was more mechanical if you know what I mean. I was and am very jealous of people where their mum is their best friend. It does make it hard to ‘care’ for their needs, I just keep telling myself she didn’t ask for this condition, but would she be there for me in the same way if it were the other way round?, maybe not. She once told me of a time her dad was ill when he was old, and she never used to visit him as it ‘upset’ her too much, so he died without her saying goodbye, so sometimes I feel it’s hard to put up with her constant anxiety and sadness as it does rub off onto me of course, but I take each day as it comes, that’s all we can do. I just wanted to say I feel you and agree and understand. Take care Elaine x
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Kittybee Feb 2019
Thanks Elaine, it really is helpful to know others are in the same spot. I just can't feel that warm and cuddly feeling toward my mom, I don't know what it stems from. She just didn't have it together to be a mom, was not good at making good decisions. I think she had a fantasy about having a baby and dressing it up, but was not prepared for the whole 9 yards of caring for a complicated child all its young life, then the chaos of my dad's alcoholism, infidelity, divorce, poverty, and starting all over. I know she did her best, it was a terribly hard thing to go through. Even beyond that, I think I just never learned a depth of feeling...toward anyone really, until I was a lot older. She's always been strangely disconnected emotionally, not much warm affection there, though expressed love of course. So I still have this weirdly removed feeling about her. Not hate or dislike, just kind of nothing. When we have a rare "click," like she's being lucid and funny for a second, then I get a glimmer of warmth. But the rest of the time it's just ... disconnect.

Also, of course, she isn't the same mom I did know, she's just emptier and emptier. Maybe I'm like her - something is missing in my emotional makeup that has to do with compassion, connection, love expressed (as opposed to stated in a rational way).

She can also be very catty and judgmental toward others, and is hard of hearing, so she'll shout-whisper mean things about the other residents. Those times, I actually don't like her very much. I will tell her that what she said was mean and that others can hear her, and she'll just smirk. My heart sinks when that happens, I tell you.
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KittyBee,

You didn't create this situation. No guilt.

Keep visits short. Make them infrequent. Bring a little something. Treats, something to look at, etc.

I take my mom old magazines, like Ladies Home Journal, Good Housekeeping. It doesn't matter they're 10 years old. She looks at the pictures, gleans what she can from the articles. She loves them. When she's done with the magazines, she or I pass them on to another resident and they circulate through the facility. Sometimes they end up back at Mom's! LOL

She loves certain treats that don't require refrigeration. I bring them to her. No, they probably aren't good for her but hey, she's 93. They make her happy. That's what counts.

I try to keep topics neutral, try not to stir her up. Sometimes take her for a little drive, to a store, or something. Never let her see my shock or pain at anything she says. When I can no longer redirect the negativity (anywhere from a few minutes to 2-3 hours), I say, "Oh Mom! So-and-so's expecting me! Gotta go!" I give her a quick hug before she starts the woe-is-me diatribe and leave.

Sometimes I go home depressed for days. It takes that long to shake off the anger, frustration, pain, and sadness I had to suck up. I walk a tightrope between Mom's self-made hell and my own emotional stability. If I don't take care of myself, I won't be able to take care of her.

No one gets to decide for you how often or how long these visits. Do what's right for you. Brush off criticism. You're in this for the long haul. You didn't create this situation. No guilt.
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Kittybee Feb 2019
"Sometimes I go home depressed for days. It takes that long to shake off the anger, frustration, pain, and sadness I had to suck up."

I know what you mean.

Big hugs and thanks, CantDance.
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Dear KittyBee, I feel this way too. In fact today I am thinking with a mixture of dread and guilt that I need to go over to see my Grandma this weekend as it's been probably... 4 weeks since I visited already! I feel awful, because usually I go every week or every second week but I've been busy with work and weekend plans.

So now because it's been 4 weeks, I know when I get there I'll be faced with a lot of "oh where have you been?" which makes me feel suuuuuper guilty... She's with it enough to know most of what goes on: who has been by, who hasn't, etc. It's a curse to have most of your marbles at that age I think!

But yeah: I love her, but I hate being in that nursing home, despite knowing it's the best place for her and that she's safe and clean (ish) and fed (ish). It smells like pee. Everything's ugly. The people there are scary reminders of my own mortality. It's institutional and depressing and a 40 minute drive across a bridge both ways. It's half my day to visit her, no matter what! God that sounds so whiny and petulant, and I am sorry! But I feel you.

I think I am going to write about some of the funny things that I see when I go visit her. In a way, the NH is a drama all its own, a cuckoo's nest full of characters! And my Grandma is just the cuckoo there that I happen to love.
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patripatt Feb 2019
LOL I love your sense of humor! And good Lord, you're on this forum because of your grandmother, not your mom - really, that's heartwarming. Sounds like you can look at each visit as a source for your writing - because if you don't write, you are missing an opportunity to use your talents. :)
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I know this is an old post but still very much useful today. I even have a wonderful Mother. But the struggle to visit is real. Alzheimer's is so hard. Her Memory Care place is the nicest I could find. I too try to reward myself after a visit. It is not hard to being a photo album or props and it helps! Sending my love to all of us in this boat. Grace and Peace.
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Kittybee Jun 2019
I'm in a slightly better place with it than when I first posted. I've been able to accept what's happening a little more, so the grief at losing my mother even though she's still alive is a little less difficult.

Honestly, too, having read a lot of AgingCare posts over the past months gives me new appreciation for the fact that she's relatively compliant, sweet at core, ambulatory, continent, and not demanding or - what seems so common - beset by personality disorders or mental illness.
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Wow. I could have written your post about my father
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I get it! My dad has been in memory care for about 25 months now. I live about ten minutes away. I used to go every Sunday for most of the first two years because the facility is short-staffed on that day and I felt he needed the extra attention. I work 5-6 days a week, so often my visit day was my only day off from work. A few months ago, I decided I "needed my Sundays back" and stopped going most Sundays. I am able to stop by once per week during M-F. At first I felt guilty about missing Sundays but I have used the change-up to invest in MY life and try to live it like I know dad would want. He is declining rapidly, skeletal almost, can still walk (barely), fully incontinent, almost non-verbal. Last Friday I stepped in his poop in his room and honestly it was horrific. I almost run to my car when I get out of the security door at his facility. I'm just ready for it to be over :( Dad would have never wanted to live this way, he made it clear and even talked about suicide. I think I will mostly feel relived when he dies...I mourned the loss of "my dad" quite a while ago.
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Kittybee Jun 2019
I've had that thought many times about my mom. It's like she's just waiting around until it's her turn to die, and in the meantime there's just kind of nothing.

I would be totally horrified if I stepped in poop too! Anything involving poop is, to me, pretty horrifying, and tends to stick in my memory, coming back to haunt me in the wee hours.

I've stopped trying to have conversations with her beyond the questions about my job she always asks and that I've developed stock answers to. Other than that, if the day is fine, she usually wants to go to the garden, so we can sit there saying nothing but it's nice to be outside looking at the flowers and just being together. If it's crap weather, or if she's having a bad day, I literally just go in, say hello, tell her I just wanted to stop by to say hi, it's good to see her, and give her a kiss and leave. It's about a 5 minute visit. She appreciates it, but since she doesn't remember how long it's been since I last visited, and her sense of time is changing, a loving 5 minute visit can actually be better than an awkward 1 hour visit.
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Kittybee, how are you doing now?
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Kittybee Jun 2019
A bit better, thank you for asking! Looking at it more from "I'm doing something, better than nothing" rather than beating myself up over all the things I'm NOT doing, which is really a losing battle! lol
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Lately, especially, it's all I can do to go over to memory care to visit my 92 year old mother who I placed there 8 days ago. Before MC, she was in the Assisted Living portion of the place, and it was bad enough. But now, it's dreadful, to tell you the truth. I was there on Tuesday and the lady who lives next door to her was pounding on mom's door for like 5 minutes. I finally opened the door and let the poor woman know she did not live 'here' but 'there'. The woman had no idea what I was saying. It's just too much, ALL of it, isn't it? I hate saying that, I hate feeling it, but I do and I wanted to share my truth with you in the hope that it would make you feel not so all alone with your emotions. My mother has always been difficult, and I just KNOW she's going to start complaining ANY day now that she 'doesn't belong' in memory care, and so forth. Only God knows how I'll handle things then, because she DOES belong in memory care. While she's not 'as bad' as some of the residents, she's definitely on her way. We can't even carry on a real conversation because she loses her train of thought after about 5 words. I push her wheelchair out to the garden, but that only lasts a few minutes, and then we're back inside and I'm ready to GO. The longest I've lasted so far is 1 hour.

Sending you a hug and hoping the both of us can get past the guilt and know that we're doing our best.
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Kittybee Jun 2019
Hugs back. It's hard, but so important to give ourselves credit for doing what we ARE able to do.
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Nothing is wrong with you. I think it was sweet of you to tidy up while she slept. Even on my best days, I am exhausted by small talk. My FIL can hardly follow a conversation anymore. I've cut down on my visits and their duration. I have only so much patience and endurance. And when I'm ready to go, I make my exit. Remember that you showed up for your mother and did something out of love for her. That's what matters. Give yourself some credit!
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My mother was in a Dementia ward. I hated going there. Every single time. No matter how clean staff tried to keep it, it always smelt of urine. She shared a room with three others. Absolutely no idea who I was but was happy. I soon learnt what times of day not to visit because of the routine and so would go at lunchtime so I could feed her. Father visited during the week. Honestly she would not have known if I visited or not. You should put one visit as per your choice aside and stick to it. That way the build up of dread won’t happen and you will feel better
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