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My mother’s husband of 20 years passed today. He was suffering from Lewy Body Dementia for years and that combined with kidney failure eventually led to his death. While not unexpected (he had been in palliative care with hospice at their home), my mom is understandably devastated.


Though he had been diagnosed years ago and mom had many health problems of her own over the past two years, any discussion with her about her future went nowhere. I live in another state, my younger brother lives 2 hours away and does not have a car, and my older brother lives 30 minutes from her but refuses to help or even call her. Mom refuses to disclose financial info—just says “I don’t have any money.” Then she defaults to “I will move in with you.”


I know that this is not a good idea. My boundaries are terrible, and I have a small house. In no time she would take over the house and my relationship with my husband and my mom would be destroyed. Hard as it has been, I’ve told her multiple times that this arrangement will not work for us.


I am flying home tomorrow and staying with mom for two weeks to help her sort through things and just be there for her. I am missing a memorial for a good friend who recently died to do this, but she is hysterical and needs me. It is important for me to be there.


I have a great deal of anxiety because I know the boundaries are going to be tested. I know she is going to bring up moving in with me again. She moved my grandmother in with us when I was a teenager and even though it strained every relationship in her life, she still expects me to do the same. I feel a great deal of guilt but I do not want to give up my independence and relationship. I know this will not work for me, and she will become completely dependent on me. I would be the only person she knows should she move here.


Until everything started to go sideways with her health and her husband’s issues, I was a very happy, balanced person. Now I am an anxious wreck. I have been able to help quite a bit from here—setting up home health, coordinating with doctors, keeping the rest of the family informed while she had hospitalization after hospitalization. I paid for caregivers to take care of her husband while she was in the hospital. I have flown up to help as much as I can without jeopardizing my job. I am happy to be able to help but I walk around constantly waiting for the next crisis.


Lately I cannot stop feeling like it is my responsibility to figure out her life. She is only 72, and I see no reason why she can’t have her own independent life. She is very passive, and even though she has been retired for quite some time she hasn’t picked up a hobby or made an effort to be social with anyone other than her next door neighbor. She is understandably scared because although she has gone through three divorces, she has never lived alone. Even though she knew long ago that her husband’s diagnosis was terminal she’s given no thought to her own future, or if she has, she has not shared it with me. When senior living/assisted living is brought up she insists she can’t afford it and dismisses it as an option.


How do I support her without losing my own life in the process? I am here for her, but I feel that she will cling to the idea of moving in with me even harder now. I am considered “the stable one” and have been told by relatives that since a I am the daughter, I have more responsibility than my brothers. I feel like everyone is pushing this problem on me, and they can’t wait to wash their hands of it.

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Just came by to say I'm sorry for your mother's loss, Treecrout.

You've asked this same question 3x already and I think the 23 responses you got to your last post should be reviewed here:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/moms-husband-is-terminal-and-they-have-not-planned-for-any-of-it-472309.htm?orderby=recent

They are great comments and should give you lots to think about while you come up with your plan to tell mom that living with you is NOT AN OPTION. Just make up your mind to do it and then DO IT! Or live the rest of your life with regret and sorrow for not sticking to your guns.

Best of luck!
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"Lately I cannot stop feeling like it is my responsibility to figure out her life".

This could be where your turmoil is.

You say you need to keep your boundaries, know it will eat your life up to move Mother's in, house her etc & take on all her responsibility and yet.. you feel like you should do this.

You know & listed all the reasons you shouldn't.

Why do you feel you should?

See what comes up to answer that question? Delve into it.

Also ask it a few ways. Why DO you.. (why take on her responsibilities?).. Why do YOU have to be the one (ie not anyone else).. Why you SHOULD (ie should you always obey Mom's wishes?).

Are you actually trying to make Mom happy? If so, will obeying Mom's wishes actually do that? Make her happy?
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Myownlife Feb 2022
Great advice! I agree. I tended to do that my "whole life", "make Mom happy". Some time ago, I realized, underneath, she is not happy and it is not something that I can MAKE happen. Once that realization hit me, I felt a sense of relief. That being said, I still wind up doing that from time to time, and have to stop myself.
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Sorry for the loss of your stepdad. Good luck on sorting things out for your mom. You are going to feel better once mom sees that she’s not coming home with you and begins to get focused on how to manage her life. You are sweet to go for two weeks. Deep breaths.
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You won't like this, but I think it's a mistake to go to her.

She's hysterical. She is grief-stricken. She needs support. All of those things we accept.

What you don't have to accept is that this situation, which has been coming down the road for a long time, obliges you to sacrifice something which is unique - you will never have a second opportunity to honour your dear friend in that way - and at the same time expose yourself to a sustained, 2-week long assault on your position that mother's moving in with you is a shockingly bad idea.

So: I really don't think you should go. Not until you're able to do so on your own terms. What practical help does your mother need right now?
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One out-of-the-box option is to get yourself out of the whole thing for 4 weeks, during which M can’t talk to you and has to work out things for herself. A holiday? An outback trip where you are out of phone contact? A work commitment? A hospital admission? A retreat to get you detoxed? Make up the best story you can think of. Everyone calms down while you are out of it, and brains can kick in to think about options without so much heavy drama.
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Myownlife Feb 2022
Great suggestion!
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Those last 2 sentences made me want to reach out and slap those people for you. I totally understand that feeling of waiting for the next crisis. I think she needs to go see what a nice AL facility looks like. A good visual is worth a lot. When I was looking for my mom & stepdad, I was shocked at how nice it was. I hope you don't cave in on this, because you would lose yourself.
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To quote "Only in the last few months has my mom started to work with an elder care attorney in Order to get co-guardianship of her husband with his daughter. She has a relationship with a financial planner, but does not want to share the information with any of us.

The two of them have made no plans for their future.

Both felt that should something go wrong, they would just move in with one of the kids up but never had a real discussion with any of us about it.

My mother is a hard no on assisted living as she does not want to live with anyone but one of her kids, and she assures me that she cannot afford it. It may be true. I don’t know for sure because she refuses to let me in on legal or financial info."

She has an attorney, a financial planner and a step-daughter who will presumably plan the funeral with your mother.

She shares no information with you but demands to move in with you.

And you're showing up for 2 weeks?

Why is that?

Don't go.

Relationships are a two way street. Stop behaving like a doormat. Learn the phrase "no, I can't possibly do that".
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In 2013, when my mom stopped being able to live alone, we found her a nice Independent Living facility.

It cost 5k per month.

My mother would have told us that there was no way she could afford that.

My brother had POA for mom's financial affairs. His wife (who has an MBA) is a financial whiz. She said mom could easily afford, so we just went ahead and signed her up for it. Never told her what it cost.

That's how it works when there is a 2 way relationship; there's trust and communication.
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I have to agree with everyone here. Can you do a quick visit for the funeral then come back a month from now for 2 weeks to sort things. You do realize that with her being a mess you will not get one thing sorted while you are there. She needs time to calm down. She needs time to realize that she has to stand on her own two feet.

As far as moving her in...hard no...even for a short time. Can your husband be the bad guy in this for you?

Make a list of things you are willing to help with and those that are deal breakers and stick to it. Your mom is expecting you to come there and take care of her. Is that what you want? Expect another 15 years of putting your life on hold for her. Again is that what you want? You need to put her on track for standing on her own two feet. It sounds like she is used to being taken care of.
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Myownlife Feb 2022
Way more than 15 yrs :)... could easily be 30 years.
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Treecrout, once the two weeks are over and you're ready to return home, what will you do if mom is still hysterical and not coping. Will you be able to leave her?

What if she says "I going to have to kill myself if you leave and don't take me with you"?
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Myownlife Feb 2022
Good idea to think this type of situation out in advance and be prepared. And if OP is reading my response, should something like this happen, be prepared to call Adult Protective Services and be firm that you will not be there and if she is a threat to herself, she may need to be Baker Acted ( or whatever it may be called in your state ) and be hospitalized for a set period of time, i.e 72 hours to make some kind of determination, and then get social services involved in having her go to an alternate care of living, i.e. assisted living. But let ALL involved know that you will NOT be there and do NOT assume responsibility for her.
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How does she know she can't afford senior housing? A retirement community near me advertises their cottages and assisted living. I took a tour fifteen years ago hoping my parents would consider it. Very nice community. Since then they've added memory care and nh.

While there fifteen years ago, I asked if the tall building was a nursing home and was informed that it was actually senior housing for folks with low-income that they do not advertise. Boy did my ears perk up at that because that is probably the kind of place I'll need if there is no inheritance from my father (I'm not counting on it, never have). So I asked if I could see a unit.

One of the residents was passing by and heard me and she invited me to come see her unit (they are all the same). It was nicer and bigger than ones I've seen in a chain CCRC (Erikson) that look like a glorified hotel room for $2,000 a month plus $800,000 entrance fee.

For a minimal amount, these are one bedroom apartments with separate living room, kitchen, and dining areas and one bath. And they have access to everything that the folks living in the cottages have. This is something I could afford BUT I would not have known about it had I not asked.

All that to say, do some homework, find out what is out there, probe and asked about low-income senior housing within a retirement community (not state or federal housing). You might find out that you can show mom she can afford to live in a retirement community.
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Maureenbh Feb 2022
Assisted living is much more expensive than senior independent living. I second the suggestion to do research and understand the differences, here needs and the various costs.
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Thats BS of since you're the daughter you have more responsibility than your brothers.. utter BS.. Thats thoer mother as well. As for that one brother who doesn't loft a finger to help pr care. He is cold and dark. He should be removed from any information or WILL.

My mother lives with me, I too was independent with my soon to be wife but going out, hanging out, mingling came to an end because we can't leave mom by herself because she is nearly incapable of mobility and my 76 year old mother is a toddler mentally. So I don't have to mention everything that goes into taking care of her.

I have a full time job but many times I had to work shorter hours because care providers would quit just out of the blues or find higher paying jobs. What protected me from getting fired is FMLA. My mother has both medicaid/Medicare and those programs help in finding a assisted living, help with care providers also helps in out of pocket expenses many. Many things medicaid/Medicare can do that will help you.

So. What you can do is tell her.. You'll place her in an assisted living place while you look for a bigger house 🏠, as soon as you get one, you'll come and get her. Of course she probably is not dumb and will blow through that but if she agrees, there's a chance she'll make friends there and would not want to leave.
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Who has power of attorney? It’s best to set that up. I have similar situation. But ended up moving to where my mom is. If she’s not wanting to be independent that could be her personality which you’re not going to change. In order to even help her move to Assisted Living and qualify for Community Medicaid or Medicaid (if she truly has no money) you will need to find an Elder Lawyer who specializes in this. It’s worth it. Good luck!
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It is not your responsibility to figure out her life.
It is not your responsibility to entertain her
It is not your responsibility to house her.
You have not even arrived at her house and boundaries are already broken.
You say you are "flying home" no, you are going to HER house, you are already home.
You say you are missing a memorial service for a very good friend. Why? Will a day or two matter? (I know that probably sounds harsh but it may be setting up a pattern where she says "jump" and you jump.) My response would be different if your mom were in the hospital, or somehow unable to care for herself but that does not seem to be the case.
You can explain to mom she has 2 choices. Look for Independent or Assisted Living where she currently lives or she can look near where you live. The one thing she can not do is move in with you.
(If she wants to look near you I suggest that you tour a few places to narrow it down for her.)
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Myownlife Feb 2022
In regard to your answer to "warkap" above: My husband died when I was 44 and he was 49. I was overwhelmed with grief and remarried probably too soon a year later. That was an awful almost 5-yr rollercoaster period in my life, from which I divorced. That was 19 years ago, and I still am totally fine being alone. I would enjoy meeting "someone" someday if it's meant to be, but have made up my mind, I'd rather be happy alone, than go through a bad time again.
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She needs a new man in her life. Try Our Time. All of us seniors cry about moiney but in truth, we all got a SS raise. At age 72 she still has a few good years left. Get her on a cruise.
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Grandma1954 Feb 2022
this is a bit flippant. The woman just lost her husband.
I can tell you my Husband died 5 years ago, the last think I am thinking about is "a new man"
Not everyone is on Social Security. Not everyone got a raise.
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I know it sounds like it will turn your life upside down please take just a moment to change perspective. Devils advocate
If you had kids, then got old after raising them wouldn't you expect that in return in old age? I mean what were parents doing for 18 years but kinda being inconvenienced by children.
Even though I hate assisted living, if you only need companionship for 5,800$ a month they assist. It is said that 98% of most of a person's wealth is spent in the last 2% of their life. (Former AL resident and daughter with a mother is overwhelming and overbearing)
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helenb63 Feb 2022
I don't expect my children to look after me simply because I chose to have them; I did not have them as an insurance policy for my old age and I was not 'inconvenienced' by them in any way. I would like to think they might wish to help me in some way if I really needed it, but I would *never* just expect them to take responsibility for my life without any discussion, as my mother has with me.
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If your mother refuses now to take her future into her own hands and consider a retirement home etc, she's not going to do it later. It's going to fall on someone else to either live with her or place her into a facility. That's what's happened to me. It sounds like your mother is physically able to live and function independently on her own. Her emotional neediness is not something that should demand that you bring her to live with you. I waited until the last possible moment to bring my mother to live with me and it's been the most difficult and depressing period of my life. You speak of boundaries. They are of the utmost importance. My mother resists and refuses to respect my boundaries to this very day, so we have an ongoing cold war of sorts while I strive to set and keep them. You mother sounds quite a bit like mine in her emotional demands. At this very moment as I type this, my mother is lying in her bed calling to me, wanting to know where I am. She is able to sit up and stand and walk but she would rather have me run up and down the stairs in and out of her bedroom catering to her. My advice is to move slowly and count the cost of whatever you decide to do. Pease and blessings.
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Myownlife Feb 2022
Oh wow, how old are you and your mom? I am 68, mine is 96. I spend most of the day in the living room watching tv with her, because she gets almost panicky if someone (me) is not within sight, which is very limited (as is her hearing :)
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Do not compromise your boundaries out of guilt. Period. You can help your mother find an AL or arrange in-home care until AL becomes available, but you know you do not want her in your home. You do not need to convince anyone with the reasons why you will not have her live with you. If she really has "no money," explore low income housing options and Medicaid. If she is not "poor" enough to qualify for assistance, then she has to pay for housing and care until her money runs out. She just doesn't want to. You have told her "No." She just assumes she can talk you into it.
This immediate two weeks after her husband's death are not the time to sort out longer range plans. Take care of her immediate needs and arrange some continued support for her after you leave. You or she might have to pay for some extra help there where she lives. Do not take her home with you.
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When you assume the panic, you assume the responsibility. The more responsibility you take on, the more other family members will gladly let you. Step back from your emotions and take control of this situation. While at your Mom's, insist on getting all her financial information, SS income, Pension Income, Bank Accounts, Ira's, 401k, etc. There may be an insurance policy from her husband, and find out if he had a will. Your Mom is also eligible to apply for his Social Security payment if the amount was more than hers is now. When you take a practical approach and get a clear picture of her finances, you can then find feasible solutions as to what your Mom can really afford. Next, you MUST get durable POA for her. At only 72, there should be a Will in place, and a Health Care Proxy for herself. If she doesn't have these insist you make an appointment in the near future to set this up. You must be LOUD AND CLEAR that you will not help her unless she helps you with these matters.
It sounds overwhelming but really all you're doing is gathering info, deciding what she can afford, and getting a free consultation from a few elder care attorneys. The rest will follow.
Once you have her budget, you can look for apartments nearby you for rent, see a realtor for home owners looking to rent part of their home, or scout out assisted living facilities. Do your research, always being clear that you will help her find a good place to live and that she is going to have a better life. At 72, she truly can have a better life. Stay positive and try to show confidence. You can do this!
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Myownlife Feb 2022
Your answer to OP was wonderful. I love the practical advice.
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Love NYVmama’s response

if you do scout out AL , look for what their Medicaid acceptance level is. Our friends mom, is in an AL that requires self pay of 3 years to be able to transfer to Medicaid and stay. My mom is in memory care that requires a one year self pay. The availability certainly goes down as the ability to pay follows suit. It’s one of the things I wish I knew when my mom started in living in an AL, in a different state. When I moved her here, she barely had enough money for the one year…we were fortunate to find where my mom is now…
I used a placement service. I looked online and found a local independent company. The placement specialist set up appointments for me to go tour. Specialist knows the finances, the area , the availability. I believe most people do not know of this service that is out there. I strongly suggest a local person who can physically be there. When I was looking in a different state, I was directed by a person from a company who obviously was not in the area… not even close to an acceptable place , pictures of facility was not even distinguishable…
You don’t pay for this service, the specialist gets paid by the AL for the placement.

In the meantime… I would not go down that road of your mom taking up residence in your home..do not feel guilty! You are stepping up by making certain she is has a home near by, all the legal stuff is in place etc.
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I don't have answers but wanted to wish you well. I am 68 and can't imagine all that you are going through. My mom is 96 and lives with us, the other part of us being my youngest, the 39-yr. old. And I love them both dearly, but cannot wait to live alone !! I also am not a social person, but already have lots of ideas planned for when I'm alone, including possibly going back to work, volunteering somewhere, walking around my neighborhood, visiting with other neighbors who are retired, etc.

I do have one thought, though.... would she accept therapy, maybe going together with her a couple of times while you are there and then hopefully she would continue ?
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You talk with an eldercare attorney for a POA or other means so that YOU can make decisions for her, whether she likes it or not. YOU MUST NOT TAKE HER INTO YOUR HOME - IT WOULD BE DISASTER. There is help to find placement for her and you need to research that at once. You have equal responsibility as a daughter as well as all of her sons - don't be the fool - either get their help or you make all the decisions.
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BOUNDARIES! I have learned SO much from this thread in such a short amount of time. I cannot thank you all enough for your willingness to share. I copy & paste & reread many of your responses. I would never not attend an important Memorial Service, bc of her?? Also, I wouldn't be staying with her....ever? She reminds me of my Mom. My Stepdad passed last month. My Mom has brought up few times, that in time she would live with me or vice versa. I tell her I love her & will be there to support her (I drive up-back 2 hr drive every 5-6 days/10 hr day in total)...BUTTTT that we will not be living together. Better for all of us. I could never. I would be destroyed physically & in emotionally & in spirit. I have a career, grown Kids, no Grandkids yet... AND my Mom has NPD & either Borderline or Bipolar...Unfiltered...Angry...Mean Spirited... Former Alcoholic-10 years when I was in MS & HS. I have slept horribly this week as learning to compartmentalize is the toughest. Helping her but releasing the guilt I feel. I can never spend the night there or would set up a pattern of expectations. I had to dig my heels in this Holiday season to spend days around (5 in December) the actual Holiday with her. She would expect year to year and I just can't. *Seems you need to strengthen your boundaries. I can tell this is what you want for yourself. Start with today! <3
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You see an eldercare attorney and seek appropriate options. No matter what happens, nothing, DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN WITH YOU. Stand firm on this. Also talk to the soil worker in the hospital. They may be able to advise you. Your brothers and you ALL SHARE EQUALREPONSIBILITY. Do not fall in to that trap.
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Treecrout: Firstly, I am sorry for the loss of your mother's husband, your step father, I presume and send condolences. Understandably, your mother is grieving her loss, but it is not your "responsibility to figure out her life." It is IMPERATIVE that you inform your mother that living with you WILL NOT HAPPEN/NOT AN OPTION. Also, you posed a similar question on January 13, 2022 and receive some great responses that you should peruse.
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Insist on your brothers to be involved in her care. If not, it will all fall upon you. Don’t sign up for total responsibilities!! 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
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Beatty Feb 2022
Insist is an interesting word. Whether someone gently hints, asks directly or bossily demands - the brothers (or other sisters) can decline.

My husband will hear a request & then be direct with Yes, sure or No, not doing that.

Others in the wider family have varied responses - deflecting but without a clean no: I'll think about it (but mean no..) I'll get back to you (but don't..) let me know if you need help (um I just did!)

Insisting a conversation gets started about who can honestly do what can certainly be worthwhile.
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i so feel this. I have no life anymore. I love my mom without end but since my dad died, my life has basically been turned upside down and deprioritized. My two sisters refuse to help but like to talk about how hard it is to deal with mom’s increasing needs and failing memory. I’m exhausted, I have no time for a personal life, my health is starting to suffer and when she has bad days I am told how awful I am, that everyone hates me and thinks that I am disgusting and that her life would be so much better without me. She mocks my professional success, tells people that I steal from her and refuses to recognize or appreciate any of the things I do. When I say I am too tired after a ten hour work day to go over to her house then I am called lazy or she manufactures an emergency so that I have to come over. When I hire companion care, she stalker calls all day because she believes they are stealing from her and so of course, she has to call and remind me that I am not a good daughter or person for sending people to steal from her. When I reach out for social services help to get her resources they either never call me back or spend one visit with her and never return. I am beyond exhausted, I have no self esteem any more and I have no personal space or life. I can’t remember the last time I got a hair cut or was able to sleep in or spend a lazy day at home. Im so tired all the time but she is my mom and how can I walk away when there is no one else who will help? She has enough cognitive decline to impact ability to remember to take life saving medication for diabetes and high blood pressure but not enough decline for me to be able to make decisions about living arrangements. This is not sustainable and at this point, I will go before she does because I am living on about three hours of sleep a night but I love my mom and if my sisters refuse to help and the system won’t step in, what do I do? I have found her unconscious and had to perform CPR on her until first responders arrived because she decided which meds not to take and forgot to take the others, yet she was released to her home from the hospital instead of to a care facility I called APS on her to try and force help but again the first call was never returned and the second call prompted one visit and even though her doctor engaged and advised she could not make medication decisions, they never returned (like they said they would)
But, she is my mom and on the rare good days, when she is pleasant and will hand me crumbs of affection, I forget the lack of sleep and the degradation and I am a little girl again spending the day with my favorite person, my mama
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Maryjann Mar 2022
I hope you can make a few minutes to seek counseling. You need to prioritize yourself or you will not live long enough to see her through her final years. I'm exhausted reading your story.
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Treecrout -- I can only reiterate everything that's already been said: Stay strong and make it clear, "This will not work for me." Together, you can figure out other options. But living together is not one of them. If it's not good for you, it won't be good for her. I am telling myself this every day, so when the day comes, I can say it, too.
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You don't mention if she lives in a house or apartment. It's not sensible that she wants to move in with you and yet she's unwilling to share her financial information with you. First of all, make sure all of her paperwork is in order. As responsible adult, she needs to have a living will (advance medical directives) so that you know what her wishes are for medical care if she becomes incapacitated, she needs to set up POA for medical and financial matters, also needed if she becomes unable to make her own decisions. She needs a will, if she has assets (house, car, financial accounts). This is going to be a difficult conversation, as she seems to be unwilling to disclose her financial situation. But you'll need it if you are the one most responsible for helping her, and if she is depending on you. Hopefully she'll make you her POA. If she has credit cards, ask her to make you a second person on her credit card, so that you can purchase things for her. You also need to be on file with Medicare and Social Security to be able to speak on her behalf. You can do that with a phone call and have her sit next to you to consent. From the way you talk about it, I would not recommend having her move in with you. Just be firm that between your job and family and a small house, you couldn't handle it, especially as she gets older, if her health declines (which is usually what happens). Get connected with a local social worker who can advise you on your mother's options (and yours). Eventually, you may have talk to the social worker with your mother, if she's not sharing her financial details with you. If your mother truly has nothing, she should be on Medicaid. Help her get it set up. Look for a few senior facilities near you (so that you can visit her often, take her out, and make sure everything is going well with her), and take her to visit them. The advantage of a facility is that she won't be alone. She'll have people her own age to talk to, activities, facilities such as shuttle buses to take her shopping and to doctor's appointments, etc. With my mother, I looked for a continuous care facility so that I wouldn't have to move her to a different place as her condition declined (she was 89 when she moved to independent living and showing early signs of dementia). You support her by helping her get settled in a place where she'll have the facilities and care she needs. It's up to you to draw your own boundaries. All the best to you, your family and your mother!
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