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It's been two long months watching him slowly decline.


So, I live locally and have watched my 89 year old dad decline since my mom passed a few years ago from Alzheimer's.


He is now at the end stage of hospice and I don't think I can be at his home to watch him pass away. It has been a slow gradual process, painful to watch, especially since I watched my mom lose her battle with Alzheimer's over several years and one terribly long year in a memory care home.


My dilemma is that I really don't want to be here when he passes, which could be in a day or two, especially since my older sister is flying in tomorrow who I don't get along with at all. I feel that she can be here when he passes away. Plus she has POA and is a control freak and is bipolar, so I have a difficult time being around her. Suggestions?

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What's the dilemma?

You have been caring for your father for a long, long time and this final ordeal is too much. You don't want to be there.

Your sister is arriving tomorrow, you don't get on with her, and you don't want to be there.

So that's two good reasons to make yourself scarce. Is there any reason you might want to stay?
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coloradoproud Dec 2019
Well....don't really have any reason ...
I.ve had enough of it all. Every visit i would hear how lonely and bored he was. He read 4 different newspapers every day, did his word puzzles, played black jack on his ipad, watched lots of tv and would tell me things about ending his life. I would visit even though he would find a way to demean and criticize me.
Most of the time i would cry all the way home.
Yup i.ve had way more than enough! Thank you for helping me acknowledge it!
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Find a way so you won't be there. When sis shows up high tail it out of there. Is there a friend that you could stay with? Hospice provides respite care paid by Medicare. Ask hospice to get that lined up. Tell them you can't and won't do this. They will find a solution. It won't be the first time they have heard this.
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coloradoproud Dec 2019
Thank you very much for your suggestions. Grateful for you sharing. I feel very lost right now and miss my mom very much but i.m sure when the holidays are over, i will be fine. Thx again
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When your sister arrives, fly the coop! You have done enough. It’s so hard watching someone decline.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Hugs!
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coloradoproud Dec 2019
Thank you very much!! Really appreciate your feedback!
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I don't blame you for not wanting to be present at the end. I was the 24/7 person for several years for my wife (married very happily for 45 + years) and it was a horrible experience as I stayed with her no matter where we were. Hospice was very helpful. Total time as the 24/7 person was four years plus. I do not recommend caregivers be there at the end, but I would not have had it any other way. To be sure, no one is at fault for not wanting to be there at the end.
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coloradoproud Dec 2019
Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts. Wow four years is a very long time...i hope you are finding peace, love and joy in new things after your profound loss.
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You answered ur own question, Sister is a control freak. So as such, allow her to take over and make an excuse. Like " So glad ur here. I need to go home for a bit". Before she gets there talk to Dad. Tell him he will be missed and you love him. Make sure you say goodbye. Not I will see u later but goodbye. Then he knows ur OKing him to go and you will be alright.

POA stops at death. Hopefully u and sister can plan his funeral together. If not. and she takes over, let her. After that, the Executor will be in charge once they have Probated the Will. To handle money and creditors, Executor will need a short certificate. Telling u this in case sister is Executor and tries to "take over" before she is allowed. No will, then someone needs to go to Probate and become Administrator.
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coloradoproud Dec 2019
Thank you very much for your answer and suggestions. Very helpful. I told her i.m not feeling well and cannot be there tomorrow but she keeps pushing it. But i know myself and simply cannot be around her or my dad in his condition, for my mental and emotional health. The last few days i have had a pain in the middle of my back, nausea, pain in my right arm and jaw and a feeling of indigestion. I.m only 61 and in excellent health so i.m guessing it is panic attack symptoms. If i am around her, i will go downhill fast bc she pushes my buttons, so i need to steer clear and taken care of myself! I give give give to my dad and i have to detach now.
The funeral is already arranged bc my dad had it all set up with the burial place etc. And his parents and my mom are there. He even has details of everything in ghe condo he wants donated or given away.
She is executor and has financial poa so with her manipulation, egocentric and other self serving manners, i have no doubt she will try to do something out of line. She has a twin sister that she is estranged from and has had no contact with since before my mom passed. Twisted family dynamics. I.m on okay terms with her twin but hurt that she didnt ask me to join her family for cmas day at least....
The sister with f. Poa wont tell us who the local attorney is, she is such a brat. So who knows how it will all work out. I.m just ready for it to all be over. I don't mean for that to sound brash but it has been exhausting since my mom passed.
Thx again
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This is a very personal decision.

You've already been through this with your mother, so you know end of life is rarely as depicted on TV. So, if you decide you just can't be there to watch your father die, then say your goodbyes now, and let your sister and hospice nurse(s) be there physically. Just because you may be out of the room doesn't mean you are not "there." That being said, please do not let your relationship with your sister influence your decision. Make up your own mind and let your sister know.

It's o.k. if your emotional journey ends before your father's physical journey.

All the best to you and your family!
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Pasa18 Dec 2019
Yes: "It's o.k. if your emotional journey ends before your father's physical journey."
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My question for you is Is your Dad at all aware of who is there?
If your father is aware and would miss you, I believe you should rethink this, as it is you who would be left with feeling sad about being unable to be there.
If your father is not aware much at all who is there, and is quite medicated, then I think that it is safe to say that you were there for him when you needed to be, and can rest easy about not attending if you wish not to.
The answer to being around Sis is to go grey rock. Be kind, be slow, be simple, be repetitive, be as seldom beside her as you are able politely to be. Take the high road. You will not regret it.
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coloradoproud Dec 2019
Hi alvadeer, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and suggestions. He is aware who is there at times and other times is totally out of it, confused, mumbling, making no sense. He isnt heavily medicated, he is only on a fentanyl patch and oxycodone for pain and alprazolam for anxiety. Last night he was doing the gurgling sound and it seems to me that without food for several days now, it would be soon. It has been an exhausting thing to watch and hear about from the hospice and caregivers but most difficult of all has been my sister who somehow finds fault with every good thjng i do and say. So i agree with you about going grey. She keeps asking me to be there tomorrow for cmas with the caregiver but i just cant do it bc i know how it will end. She will find something to criticize me about and it will escalate bc i cant take her bullying me anymore. I just want peace and compassion and understanding in my life. It's hard enough watching this let alone with a psycho di sister lol
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coloradoproud, there are times when a parent may not want anyone in the room when they pass. They want to pass quietly without an audience.

Say your final good-byes to Dad and let him know it is ok to go, that you will be fine. I did that with my Dad, he was in a coma state, and he passed in the wee hours of the morning. His caregiver was with him, and she had called me. For me, I believe my Dad didn't want me to witness his transition.
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coloradoproud Dec 2019
Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts. It helps to hear how others deal with this type of life event.
Sorry to hear about your loss and thks again for sharing. Peace, light and love to you
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Hi Colorado. I’m concerned about your health/symptoms you described. Please get yourself checked out ASAP. Could be more than anxiety. Sorry about your Dad. I hope he passes peacefully. Sending you a hug.
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coloradoproud Dec 2019
Thank you so much for your thoughts. I.m Trying to stay calm and composed so if symptoms continue, will get checked. Thx again
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I didn't think I wanted to be there when my dad passed, but I am glad that I was although not in the room. Just a thought!

I am truly sorry about your dad and this situation you find yourself in. Please do what you feel comfortable with. Flyer has some very good advice.


Much hugs!
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Frqflyr is right. Say your goodbyes, and Thank him, and tell him how much you love him. Just know that death is okay. It is better for the people who are going than the loved ones who are here left to live on for another moment in time.


Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
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coloradoproud Dec 2019
Thank you mayday. I really Appreciate your feedback.
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My father, and I’ve heard others as well, passed away soon after I left. My stepfather didn’t but basically he just left out a deep breath and was gone. My mother was right there and didn’t even realize he was gone.
I have a difficult sister as well. Let her be there and you leave. Sounds like you’ve done the lion’s share. She might throw a fit but tough for her.

As far as the estate, at least in Ohio by law they HAVE to notify all parties involved so you will be able to find out who the attorney is etc. but she can be a jerk and wait. My idiot step sister waited 3 years, I think hoping her sick brother and or my mother would die in the meantime.
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My Dad passed very quickly from heart failure so I was not there. My mother passed away in February from Dementia. I went on night shift at work the night before she passed as I didnt know how long she had left and her stats were ok. I arrived at Nursing home at 9am and she had passed. I was devastated I wasnt with her. I cant seem to get over not being with her. I wanted to be there to hold her so she felt calm and loved. It's up to you what feels right for you but for me it has left me broken hearted. Sending hugs
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I always remember the episode of Designing Women when Charlene was waiting for her daughter to be born and was visited by angel Dolly Parton and she says, "In a few minutes you are going to meet the person who will hold your hand and be there when it's your time to die." I am caring for my 94 year old mother and her 96 year old companion while working full time on the night shift. These 2 people have done e everything for me in my life and there is nothing I wouldn't do for them. I basically live here because I don't want me Mom to be here alone if he passes because she went through that with my father. When my father died in 1980, her companion stepped in and took care of her like a queen for 40 years.I was there when my dog took his last breath telling him how much i love him and what a wonderful fur friend he has been and I plan to do the same for my mother and her companion when their time comes. I want them to know how much they mean to me, how much I love them and they are passing from loving arms of home to the loving arms awaiting them in heaven. I consider it to be an honor and a sad pleasure.
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If you don't put a feeding tube in them they forget how to eat and drink; it can take 2 to 3 weeks to die of dehydration. Even with morphine is a very slow, agonizing process. Sorry it's the truth.
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theguardian Dec 2019
Seriously is that "truth" necessary? I'm certain coloradoproud has all the medical details of his/her dads condition without you inflicting more pain.
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I had planned on being there when my dad passed...I had been by his hospital bed non stop for two weeks.  Sleeping on a cot on the floor.  I decided to leave to get a bite to eat and he passed 30 minutes after I had left.  I was so upset and felt so guilty for leaving him.  It's not like we were close or anything...we had been estranged because of his alcoholism, but it bothered me a lot that I wasn't there when my dad left this earth.  

I wouldn't let your sisters presence be a deciding factor of anything.  If you want to be there, then be there.  If you don't really want to see it, then don't.  Only you know what you can live with.
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Hospice services are required to have volunteers, and some try to have a volunteer present to sit vigil when death is imminent.. Sometimes, often, the hospice nurse is able to say that death is likely to occur in the next few hours. Ask your hospice service, or even family friends, if they can visit to sit vigil when the time comes. But you may find that you want to be there, it's a great privilege and gift, I believe, to be with your parent at this time, if you're able. You don't need to say a word, just be there.
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Zelda53 Dec 2019
Hospice was no help in this respect with my mom. And me. Unfortunately.
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You don’t have to be there. I wasn’t. But I wish I could have been. Work and distance kept me from my dad’s death; my mom passed away in the hospital in the predawn hours while her three daughters were getting a little sleep. Both of my parents died in the hospital where they were on heavy doses of antianxiety and pain meds. They were blessedly out of it.

I’m not tormented by the fact that I wasn’t there, but I wish I had been there when they passed.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
They knew you loved them. That is what matters the most.
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I am so very sorry about your Dad, I know that is going to be rough. However, With a Sister Coming tomorrow, To help Share this Sorrow, You would be Surprised how much Bondding can happen dduring the Death of aLoved One. Pull Together, Don't let animosity Get in the Way, Dad is the One to Focus on now.
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I can't express just how thankful I was to be able to witness my Mother's passing, my Father's passing and my DH's passing.

I was there when Mom took her last breath - and her pacemaker made her take a deep breath. The nurse was so upset because she was unable to turn it off in time.

I was there when my Father saw my mother before he passed - I shall never forget the joy on his face! He had outlived Mom by 7.5 years.

I was there when my DH stared at the ceiling, all over the ceiling - his family was large and they must have all come for him - he was enthralled by what he was seeing! And I witnessed his first wife coming for him as well. He outlived wife #1 by 33.5 years.

I wouldn't trade a single moment of what I was blessed to witness.
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theguardian Dec 2019
Thank you for helping to restore my faltering faith. My husband passed suddenly without warning while getting into bed. One moment we're planning the next day and he looked deep into my eyes and in a blink he was gone. No amount of CPR I did or paramedics did could bring my beautiful husband back. I've been so angry at God for taking him. I declared to myself for God to be so cruel I wanted no part of Him. The holidays have been brutal...we had no children so it's just me. I lost my dad Sept 2016 and my mom 9 months later. My husband was my world my safe haven. My sister was with my mom when she passed (Alzheimer's)and swears she saw my dad reach his hand out to my mom and say "come on honey lets go" I wanted to believe her with all my being cause the alternative is just too painful. I truly hope when I leave this earthly body my beloved husband will be the one to help me cross over.
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Everyone is different. If you don't want to be there, don't let people guilt you into thinking you should. I was not present when either of my parents died, and in fact, never saw either one's corpse. I did not want to remember them lying in a coffin so I never viewed the body and both had closed coffin funerals. It is more important how you treated them when they were alive than to be there as they draw their last breath.
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Health4him Dec 2019
Kathy, I handled my parents passing the very same way as you did with both your parents when they passed. I was able to get through the events and carry on with the grieving.
I reminded myself that even a rose doesn’t last forever.
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It’s been studied and I’ve witnessed this myself- sometimes the dying actually wait for you to leave before passing alone OR they sometimes prolong their own lives waiting for certain people to be near them before they pass. Take comfort knowing that not everything is up to us to decide.
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cat8person Dec 2019
This happened to me. While my dad was dying, I sat with him all day, stayed in his room overnight, and was with him all the next day until the hospice nurse came late in the afternoon. While I was out of the room taking a shower, he passed away. I think he somehow waited until I wasn't around. I would have wanted to be there, as I had been for my mom, but I think it was how he wanted it.
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Wow....how this fits with what i just went through. However, the sibling part was not the same. We had both poa and worked together. But i can say that everyone is different when it comes to that kind of situation. You do what is best for you!...my heart goes out to you and your family.
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coloradoproud Dec 2019
Thank you for your feedback.
sorry to hear you had a similar situation. You are fortunate the two of you could work together. We can't believe he is still hanging on bc he hasnt had any solid food for two months and it's been two weeks without milk shakes and several days now without any fluids. Considering he used to say things like if he had a gun he would shoot himself or put a plastic bag over his head, he sure is hanging on. I cant bear to see him wither away any longer so i wont be there when he passes.
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If you don't want or can't handle, to see their last breath....then don't. It sounds like you've done all you can, as he slowly declined.

They call this, the 'slow death'. Watching your parent, decline mentally & physically is brutal.

Someone said it here, that your parent will wait until family is not present, to pass.

Our family watched, as my Dad hung on for 6 days w/o food, water or medicine (he lived in an Adult Family Home, who took exceptional care of him). Family was there every day. He passed at 5am, when only staff was there. He passed away 2 weeks ago.

Do what's best for you. Your sibling dynamic sounds brutal too.

When your sister get there.....split. You've done all can.

My best to you, my friend.
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I would let the sister do it especially since she has POA and probably hasn't been there to help much. Your father knows you love him so don't worry about that. My mom past away I was there for part of the time but couldn't stay. I told her I'd be alright & I love her and she can transition. The next morning she passed away. I used to feel guilty about not staying but I know she understood and knew I loved her as I was not only her daughter but caregiver.
I do not have any regrets.
I'm now taking care of my father who is 95 I haven't decided how to handle that yet but I know I will seek out my minister and church family for help. My brother is his POA & finally gets it after years of trying to see how my father is so I will probably let him stay as soon as he gets in town for the final moments.
Do know your father loves you and he will understand and that's all that matters.
I'm a Deacon and am praying for you and your family.
Please reach out to me as I feel your pain!, if you like. ahenley787@gmail.com.
As people have said they do wait for you to leave. My dad was with his brother all day and when he left to go to the store my Uncle passed. When you get home play some music, do something you both enjoyed., get a massage just don't mope around the house he wouldn't want that for you.
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Zelda53 Dec 2019
I am in the semi-moping phase, but I am also tying up the ends as I was my mom's legal guardian. Today is two weeks since she left. I wore her necklace for the last six months. It's a silver chain with a silver cursive T, for "Teddy". For two days before she died I asked myself if I should remove the chain. Why? Maybe my wearing that chain was prolonging her stay here on earth? I don't know. What I do know, is that she would want me to get on with my life right now. I definitely need a massage...
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I chose to be present as my mom took her last breathe.Family and friends will try to persuade you what you should do but only you know what is best for you.Life is about choices.Tell your dad you love him and how much you appreciate all that he did for you.

Let him know it's ok for him to go be with your mom and that you'll be ok.Prayers to you and your family.
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I was there for the last breath of both my parents. Dad was almost six years ago, and Mom was just last month. It might be difficult, but I wouldn’t have missed holding their hand and stroking their hair and telling them how much I love them, and that it’s okay during their last moments. I know that they knew I was there.
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He may be hanging on because you have been there. It's OK to leave and let him go. Any medical clinician will tell you the sick and dying hang on when their loved ones are there and sometimes it's best to go home, shower and rest and let them go. Don't feel bad. I know some of the other people here feel it's important to be there as they slip away, but that is not for everyone.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
I agree. There are too many instances where as soon as a person leaves the room their loved one dies. It happened to me. I was the last person with my brother before he died.

The second I walked out of the room my brother died. I have seen the opposite happen too. They will hang on to see someone before going. My brother waited for his children to arrive before he died.

People know who have loved and cared for them. They don’t have to have someone there to die. If they are very independent they may rather be alone.

I spoke to the social worker about this in my brother’s hospice facility. She told me that my brother was not afraid to die. She said that her grandma was afraid to die and didn’t have any faith so her grandma asked her to remain with her and she did. So it depends on the circumstances.
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Just do what feels right for you. It is intensely personal. Just because something is right for others doesn’t necessarily mean it’s right for you. So do not feel guilty if it isn’t right for you.

I visited my dad constantly in the hospital but he died in the wee hours of the morning when I wasn’t there. He knew that I loved him. He didn’t need me there.

I hate to compare animals to humans but I stayed with my cat and my schnauzer because I wanted to be with them. I absolutely couldn’t be there with my greyhound. It would have destroyed me. I don’t feel guilty. I adored that dog and he was well aware that I loved him. All of my animals knew that I loved them.

So as I said, do what you need for yourself and if anyone criticizes you they are heartless.
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Zelda53 Dec 2019
I held hospice for two of my cats at different times. That experience taught me lots about death, so many years ago. They were both 13 years old at death. The second one dragged herself to my bed in the morning. I had placed her on the couch the night before, with a rolled towel under her neck and a blanket. She was in my bed the night before, moving around uncomfortably. I knew I would not get any sleep so I moved her to the couch. Well, she made her way to my bed the next morning, talking to me from the floor. I brought her to my bed where she died next to me. I stroked her back and she raised her head and hissed. I interrupted her transition.

We can learn from animals. Death is death.
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You’ve already gotten some good advice. You can’t really predict the time. However, as others have said, your dad may be hanging on because of you. So go take that shower, do some things that remind you of “normal,” and live life. I don’t know that o would just bolt out of there when your sister got there. But if you’ve been there most of the time, she may appreciate some time alone with your dad.

i would suggest making your words as you leave each time words of affirmation. Anyone who has been a long-term caregiver knows there’sa certain sense of feeling like your life is on a really long “pause.” And you are more than ready to think about living and health and all those things that truly are important. But I also know that when that time When your dad is gone, and you think back comes about what you said when you left, you want to know in your heart that you said words that you would want said to you by those who care for you.
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