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My father was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer 4 years ago. He is still monitored by his providers and has other health issues. I am missing out on time with my spouse staying here for my father but feel obligated. I am starting to become resentful towards my father.

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You have been four years away from your own husband? I am surprised that your marriage has survived that. I would say that it is time now that your father moves near you in some sort of condo or apartment if he wishes to still be in your care. Are you living with him? Do you wish this one on one care to continue? If so his choice is to move with you or do this alone. Sorry. There are priorities and your own immediate family, your husband, is the priority.
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What2do0 Aug 2019
Sorry miscommunication when giving history, my husband has been at his new job for two years this October. We were planning on putting our house up for sale this summer and then his spouse (my step mom) got ill and passed, now I feel obligated to stay. I miss my husband and being with him daily, only weekends is not enough anymore.
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Help you father set up in home care (his money) or move to an assisted living or hospice. You should no longer put your life on hold. You can visit and call - but you are a wife too.
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How ill is your father and how is he handling the death of his wife? Were you living with him and caring for him full time or just living in the same general area? Is he very dependent upon you?

I understand your wish to put being a wife first. But I’m not sure choosing this time to move over an hour away from your dad right now would be in his best interests. Have you spoken with him about your plans and wishes? I might suggest Assisted Living to him and wait until he is settled to move. But, if he is grieving the loss of his wife, he should be allowed time for this.
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worriedinCali Aug 2019
Of course its not in her dads best interest for OP to move. But what about the OP? What if it’s in her best interest to move and resume being a wife?
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Go to several local AL's. I would look for one that has a step up program, so he can be moved in the same home as his needs change. To me, this is the right thing to do, for him and you both. Good Luck!
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Go to your husband. Make the best arrangements that you can. Move dad closer to you if possible. this is not selfish.
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DizzyBritches Aug 2019
Yes. I was wondering what your husband’s opinion was. Talk to him. If you’re just doing weekends now, start making them longer. Dad is getting along without you on weekends now - is he alone? Can he safely manage on his own?
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Your "obligation" is to your Husband.
The Assisted Living facility where your dad is, do they have another close to where you are moving? If so ask if he would like to move as well. Or is there another that he would consider? You could bring him for a visit to your new place and do a tour of a nearby AL.
But..if he is doing well where he is and he does not want to consider a move then tell dad you are going to move. 90 minutes may seem like forever when there is an emergency but to travel once a week or so to visit it is not that far and funny as it sounds it seems the more often you drive it the shorter the distance becomes.
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kdcm1011 Aug 2019
That last sentence is so true! Mom’s final home was a NH 90 minutes away from me. I visited weekly & went the longest but most enjoyable drive. The shorter drive had too much stop & go traffic and was infuriating, whereas the longer drive was (for the most part) smoother & prettier. I used the time for a weekly chat with my brother who lived 600 miles away and singing along at the top of my lungs to music blasting on the radio.
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Move. Proceed with the plans you'd already discussed with your father. I appreciate that his life has been turned upside down, but more uncertainty now about what is happening with you is not going to help him - it's just going to be one more thing weighing on his mind, if anything. Your hanging around, missing your husband, unable to get on with your ordinary life, and worst of all beginning to resent it, can't possibly improve matters.

And anyway, wait? Wait for what? For your father to be fine? His life *will* gradually get better, God willing, but it will never be the same again. You'll wait 'til Doomsday for that.

90 minutes is not so far that you will not be able to visit him often and regularly. You also put in place a clear schedule of calls, and research beforehand what services and support groups might be helpful to him.

Should your father's health deteriorate, or should he be unable to recover from his grief (far too early for that) even with appropriate support, then you move *him* closer to you.
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Follow your heart. Discuss it with your husband but it sounds like you already know how you feel. You explained that you feel resentment which is understandable, so if you know he is being cared for ask yourself what is the benefit of not moving.

Write down a pros and cons list. Sometimes seeing it in black and white will help you see things more clearly and if the cons outweigh the pros, then push any guilt aside.

Best wishes for you and your family during this difficult time. Hugs!
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RayLinStephens Aug 2019
Very well said! I applaud your comment 👏👏
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NeedHelpWithMom covered all the bases - I always do a Pro-Con for big decisions.

Either move him or leave him - I moved my dad into my front yard in a new mobile home which he was able to pay with his pension. Dad was only 3 miles away from us but even that became a burden. He lived happily in my front yard for 5 years and I no longer had to worry about who was stopping at his house. He lived independently and when he had to do dialysis, I cooked for him because he was tired those 3 nights. It worked out great 👍
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NeedHelpWithMom Aug 2019
RayLin,

You sound so thoughtful and reasonable. I can tell how much you cared about your dad and your husband. They were blessed to have you in their lives. I always feel your love when you post a comment.

Just read your profile. You’re a southern lady like me. I’m not too far away. I’m in New Orleans. Hattiesburg isn’t that far of a drive.

My daughter’s friend just graduated from the university in Hattiesburg with her nursing degree. She loved their nursing program.

We are friends with a couple in Lumberton, Mississippi. That’s not too far from Hattiesburg. They have acres of land and love it! They actually moved there years ago when they got tired of city living. I haven’t seen them in years. I have been tied down with caring for mom. They are a sweet couple. I would tease them about the ‘country life’ when we would visit. They grew all sorts of produce, had all kinds of animals! Hahaha. I used to call it their Funny Farm, like the Chevy Chase movie. Love that movie!
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Sell your house and move to be with your husband. Make arrangements for a housekeeper to come clean and maybe cook for him. Come visit once a week and take care of groceries, etc.
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Be with your husband. He is your greatest family relationship priority. Next comes children. Then, parents.

Talk with your dad and his providers about ways to stay connected when your move. I use Skype and Facetime with my children. We use monthly phone calls with my MIL in Hawaii and her caregiver. Also talk with care providers about how they should contact you about critical changes in dad's health.

We're trying to keep a little money set aside in savings for the "last trip to Hawaii" when my MIL passes. You might want to consider something as well for last goodbyes.
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DrBenshir Aug 2019
I call mom daily. I do Facetime with grandchildren who live overseas at least once each week. Don't make the last trip when your MIL is dead. Go see her when she is alive (unless she no longer knows anyone). I flew my kids in when Dad was dying rather than wait for the funeral. It meant the world to him and Mom to see them, talk to them, hear them say "I love you" with a hug. We couldn't afford for them to come back for the funeral but that visit made him happier than you can imagine - he thought he might never see them again.
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Move your dad in with you.  Find a facility and place your dad there.  If you have other family members, utilize them in the care of your dad, especially if he is also their father.  I am always scratching my head with question marks coming out of it when someone seems to place their parent on the back burner.  Did the parent think about doing that to their children when they were growing up?  Placing their own needs ahead of their child?  I'm glad I'm on the downhill side of all of this.  Today's "children" don't seem to care what happens to their parents when they place their own needs ahead of the sacrifices that their parents made for them "back in the day".
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NeedHelpWithMom Aug 2019
debbie,

We do care, deeply. It’s not as simple as you are making it out to be.

For one thing, some people are living much longer. My mom will be 94 in November. She did not care for her mom or dad because they died at a much younger age.

There are many many more variables too. My mom was a full time homemaker as was my grandma. Women today are working! I have given up my job to care for mom. It’s harder not having a second income for our own expenses. Cost of living is high today.

Women got married and had children earlier in life years ago. Today, women focus on careers to be able to support themselves, not relying on men for all of our needs, when they marry and start families it is much later, so then you are dealing with the ‘sandwich generation’ too.

I could go on and on with other examples but I am sure you get the point.
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IMHO, I can't say to move because that's a highly personal decision. What if it doesn't work out? What if your finances are drained due to the move? Etc. Etc. Etc. Think on your choice.
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Last December, Mom Died in the Hospital of Stage 3 Cancer, It was Travling up hr Throat. Her lung had Collapsed while in the Care of the Hopsial, She oul dno longer Breathe Alone on her own. Your Dad has Stage 3, Is Holding his Own at Home. He will end up with Stage 4, If he gets thiss Chance, And being Resentful, I can Understand it, You wnt your Life Back. If you Feel the Need to Move Closer, I would.I wih to God Mom had Told me just how Sick she relly Was, For I was in theMidst back in August of Moving, Three Months later She had Died. I never Would have Moved if I had Known. God Bless you, Dear, You are An Angel.
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90 minutes isn’t really that far. Move on with your life and help/support your dad thru his remaining time. This is the cycle of life; one we all must accept.

A dear friend of mine just passed away from cancer. When she got her diagnosis a year ago, she knew it was dire. She let on to very few people; instead, preferring her time with them be spent focusing on the positives of life. Her sons + families lived 11 & 16 hours away. She was adamant they, too, focus on the positives in life & move forward with theirs. The only adjustment made was quick nightly calls from them, upbeat & always ending with I love you. Her joy during this time was them sharing with her on those calls the happenings in life — from the mundane to the extraordinary.

When she was put on hospice, she still insisted they focus on their lives. She wasn’t thrilled, but was grateful, when one of them cancelled a family vacation; instead, all of them came “home” to be with her during her last week. Truly, an angel I am honored to have called my friend.
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Don’t you wish we didn’t have to face these decisions ever in our lives? I’m just dreaming, I suppose. Will we have cures for medical conditions and not have to be caregivers?

Wonder what the future of medicine will be like? Better or worse? Insurance, better or worse? I wonder if we would be shocked if we had a crystal ball to look into the future with and see what future generations will be dealing with.

Look into the past. Look how many people just died before treatments were available. Ever wonder if they were better off?

I remember reading 1984 (Orwell) in high school and thinking it was so far fetched. Zoom ahead and I lived it. I did in vitro fertilization three times! None successfully, but many attempts have been successful for others. When I read about test tube babies I never ever thought that it was in my future. Strange, huh?
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