My husband of 36 years was diagnosed with Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus. I’m 70 and he’s 73. He was walking strangely and seemed forgetful. The neurologist prescribed some cognitive testing and a spinal tap to see if removing a large amount of spinal fluid would temporarily improve his walking. If it did, it might indicate a shunt would be a way to treat this. In addition they would look for other types of dementia using the spinal fluid. He absolutely refused any further doctor visits or testing. He now tells me it’s normal aging, that the doctor told him that when I wasn’t paying attention.
A year later and he can barely get around, taking little tiny steps, leaning forward with his legs shaking. He has fallen several times and fortunately has not been hurt, but it’s just a matter of time. He can still take care of dressing, hygiene, eating and getting cereal, making a sandwich. He is still driving (we have tried to put a stop to that but he’s hidden the keys). He gets lost sometimes; one time going 5 miles to the bank, he ended up 90 minutes away. He seems okay sometimes and he in fact was able to renew his real estate broker’s license (although he went to the office so many times they probably just gave in to get rid of him). Then he will tell me someone took apart his computer (it’s just the two of us and I didn’t do it). He thinks there’s money missing from the bank account. He is angry all the time and often verbally abusive to me and other people. His face gets so red and he’s spitting when he’s yelling and he can get like that in a second. He often doesn’t remember words and struggles with his phone (he’s always having to get it fixed). Yesterday he told me someone was changing the TV. Not just our TV but the whole system.
He was always a type A, aggressive, successful businessman. He is very controlling — and it didn’t bother me that he had to do everything. I never worried about our finances or his real estate business but I got a huge wake-up call when I saw a notice that they were turning off our electric due to nonpayment. With that I discovered that he couldn’t figure out how to get on the computer to pay the bills and most everything was delinquent. And, he still won’t admit there’s a problem. I’ve been sneaking around paying things behind his back because he gets so angry if I suggest I take care of the finances.
We have 2 kids (31 and 36) and they have tried to get it through his head that something serious is wrong. He just laughs and says we don’t know what we are talking about. I’ve consulted a few different attorneys and none would recommend trying to get a conservatorship because the outcome is very uncertain and the cost is very high. I’m seriously considering filing for divorce so at least 50% of our retirement $ would be safe.
We have a living trust which I think may include power of attorneys but I can’t find it and I can’t remember the attorneys name. He said we don’t have one but I think he’s hidden it somewhere. And I’m not sure that would help since I think you have to get a letter from a doctor and he just won’t go.
I don’t know what to do.
This is a very common issue brought up here on the Forum. I didnt even know the term until recently. My dad totally has this phenomenon.
A year ago, he recognized that he could no longer pay his bills well, and drew up POA for me and my sibling. Now, a year later, he claims to be "better" and wants to get involved in doing his finances again.! (he is way worse! totally anosognosia). Despite multiple attempts to get him to realize that he has this, he cannot comprehend and still denies it.
Do look carefully at the wording of your POA. If it is a durable POA, it could well be that he is now significantly impaired that it would automatically take effect now, as you mention you just need a letter from a doctor (it could be his PCP that he is currently incapable of making decisions). As others have mentioned, you could email, write a letter ,or call the doctor ahead of time asking for this assessment and for such a letter. Then, you can bring him in even if for some other reason and hopefully the doctor wil complete the letter. You could say its for "annual physical" or a checkup wtih PCP for whatever complaint he may have physically that he is willing to go in for. Others have given great ideas how to do this....
If you don't know where the important paperwork is kept and what lawyer did it, you probably shouldn't be the one to petition for conservatorship over your husband. One of your kids (or both) should petition the court for it.
Getting divorced may be a good idea because it would protect your financial future.
Your husband has dementia. The times he seems okay is called 'showtiming'. Showtiming is when a person with dementia can keep it together for small periods of time in front of certain people and seem totally lucid. They aren't though. A trained professional sees through it. He will not believe that anything is wrong and no one, not even his doctors, are going to convince him. So stop trying to. You and your kids will have to make a plan on how to move forward with him.
If his anger is such that he spitting when he screams and turns red with rage and it's a regular thing, it will not be limited to verbal abuse with you. He may be weak and feeble physically but he still has access to a car and money. An abusive, raging person with dementia that has access to cars and money are very dangerous people.
Park his truck at one of your kids' homes and tell him someone stole it. Speak to the police ahead of time that you're doing this.
When he is raging and being verbally abusive to you call the police. Tell them that he is threatening to do harm to you and himself. They will take him to the ER. Call your kids and meet them there. Tell the triage nurse in the ER that he needs a psych evaluation and dementia testing. He will not pass either if they're done in the hospital. This will make it easier for someone (you or your kids) to get conservatorship/guardianship. With that in place, plans and arrangements can be made for him.
I'm sorry you have such a hard situation. One step at a time. Step one is call the cops the next time he starts raging and verbally abusing you.
I wonder if it’s too late for treatment if you can get him to the ER?
I really did think that I could convince him that something is wrong with him and it’s kind of a relief that I can let that go.
Have any of you put cameras around the house? I worry that he could fall and I might not find him right away.
I am so glad I found this site.
My guy gave up the banking when he started having trouble with his signature and was unable to balance his checkbook. I offered to set up online banking and he wouldn’t have to write checks anymore. That quickly evolved into me paying all the bills since he could no longer use the computer. He was suspicious and accusatory at first and would ask to see all transactions but after a while he stopped asking and I stopped offering. The only thing he ever hid from me was a large chunk of cash. After he forgot where he had hidden it, I found it (thank goodness)! It freaked him out so much that he had lost it that he didn’t argue (much) when I put it in the bank. Take heart that something that doesn’t work on Monday may work on Thursday.
Of course, If your husband is ever physically abusive you know you need to call 911 and get out of there immediately. But regarding verbal abuse, in many of the posts I’ve read on this forum and as it was in our case, that behavior can be a ‘stage’ of dementia that may pass with time. When all else fails, know that things are bound to change sooner rather than later. If you feel safe and can afford to be patient, maybe you can wait him out??? In the meantime, can he understand an ultimatum? Again, I know nothing about you or NPH.
By all means, find those trust documents or look back on old calendars for the attorney’s name. If you have to, get an elder law attorney for yourself, explain your situation and take charge of your own future.
My (admittedly rookie) advice: quit asking, explaining, cajoling, suggesting. Do what you need to do to protect yourself including snooping out his hidey-holes for the keys, the paperwork, the cash, and let him divorce YOU if he wants to. Your kids will support you.
Plus, if he gets lost again he could die. It happens all day every day around the country.
When he loses control or falls, don’t ask him if he wants you to, just go in another room and discreetly call 911. You need to get him to the hospital by any means.
Like others have mentioned, part of his disease is that he truly doesn’t know he is impaired. It’s part of it. He isn’t in denial. He is unable to comprehend that he is not well. He doesn’t know he isn’t well. Nothing you or your kids say to him will persuade him— he has lost that part of brain function.
Definitely disable the car. Or sell it, have one of the kids take it, or have it towed, or tell the police of your fears and have them impound it. If he gets in an accident you could be sued for every penny including the house.
Get over any hope that he will ever understand or admit that he has anything wrong. Anosognosia affects the majority of people with dementia. My father had zero reaction when the neurologist told him his brain was atrophying and it was irreversible and progressive. He was still trying to do things he had always done with no understanding that he no longer had the capacity to do them until a few days before he died. Like walking when he had lost almost 50% of his (thin to start) body weight and had become truly skeletal. He fell many times but could not be convinced or remember that he could no longer walk.
good luck— this is really hard.
Disabled the car, then have a possible kind of intervention so you are not alone. He could get very angry. I'm not sure if you have grandkids but someones grandkids are walking on the roads your husband is driving on.
I'm so sorry your family is going through this.
Many people with dementia don't know they have it, that's all part of the deasses. So I'm not sure trying to get him to understand it is something he can even do at this point.
Re Medical.
You do have the results from the Neurologist - from a year ago?
It does appear this issue has progressed, making his symptoms worse.
A year ago your Husband declined any treatment. (Due to who knows..? Disbelief, denial, fear or just not wanting medical intervention). Now, despite not being aware of the confusion, maybe he CAN feel some of the physical changes to his health? Eg His unsteadiness? I would focus on what is REAL to HIM & ask him to come with you to see his primary Doctor to discuss THAT.
Myself, I would go see the primary Doctor alone first. To discuss the wider view.
With a different way to ask a question, sometimes a person says yes. Eg There is a procedure that could help your balance. I'd recommend it for you. I'd like to refer you to my colleague to arrange it. Maybe you'll get a Ok yes Doc..?
If not, this IS hard. Your Husband has his right to choose his health treatments. BUT choices have consequences. By refusing treatment & declining in health, he may not be safe on your home & may find himself in a nursing home sooner rather than later.
Re Financial.
Yes to sneak behind his back & pay bills. That must be done if he cannot & you want the power to stay on.
Re Legal.
Seek advice. Wait on costly takeovers eg conserverships or guardianship until you have all the options. For financial protection now you may be able to split bank accounts & assests so to protect your share (or even be able to protect all legally by transferring into your name, trusts or freezing accounts).
He's suffering from anosognosia which is not denial, but the inability to recognize he has a deficit. Anosognosia is very common with dementia my mother insisted she was fine with advanced dementia and everyone else in her Memory Care Assisted Living facility was "nuts".
Sit down with a Certified Elder Care attorney to discuss how to proceed with a divorce, or splitting your assets, or what to do in general.
The next time he gets spitting mad and verbally abusive, call 911 and have him transported to the ER for a psych evaluation. If he refuses to go, call the police next time and tell them he's being abusive and needs a psych evaluation.
I'm sorry you're going through such a thing. Best of luck to you.