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My parents are in their 80s. My dad is still doing well but my mother is memory impaired. I think my dad will need help with her but is too proud to allow me to help although I keep offering. The issue is that my youngest brother is 47 years old and has never worked. My parents have always paid his bills. He does not have a disability that I think would qualify for any social security or such. He just feels entitled to have them support him, he has a PhD in Philosophy and has an attitude that he is "above" the working world. His obnoxious personality has precluded him working in academia and that is all he is technically qualified for other than low level jobs he considers himself too good for.


My parents seem to see themselves as immortal. They haven't prepared a will or any provision for my brother after death. They seem to have the attitude that there is plenty of time for that but I don't think so.


Does anyone have advice on how to proceed with this? I'd like to get my parents to set things up so that my brother gets some kind of annuity so he doesn't get a big inheritance and blows it all fast leaving him homeless. Since this situation has gone one so long, I don't think they should plan on leaving money to anyone else.


Currently they own a home worth about 500k which they plan to sell for their own eldercare, other than that there isn't much.

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Having a difficult time understanding your logic. Your brother is a free loader, your parents are enablers, and, now you are concerned about your brother after they die? You want them to leave everything to him, because they have been supporting him for 47 years, somehow to me this thinking does not compute. How about they cut the ties now, and he get a job? All this worrying about your brother and enabling him has kept him stuck and is totally counter-productive, he will never become a responsible member of society. As for your question, there is nothing you can do if your parents do not want to draw up a will, or place the house in a trust, assuming that the home is in their name and if they still live there when they die, not being on Medicaid, the house will enter probate and be disposed of accordingly. Remaining funds to be distributed to the heirs of the estate.
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Ahmijoy Jul 2019
Totally agree.
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"think they are immortal", ha ha, yes, that must explain it. My parents are the same, 89 and 86 and have enabled my addict brother all his life. Their will, done 30 years ago, has the estate split 50/50. We've spoken to them, had their social worker speak to them, about setting up my brother's share in some kind of trust so he doesn't waste whatever he inherits. But they are just too old to think about it. I think just day to day living is an uphill battle at this point. They sometimes grasp the situation, but they say "we will think about it". They just are too old to tackle setting up a trust and they don't trust me enough to manage the money for my brother so in the end, he will inherit.
Maybe you could try to have another family member/close trusted friend speak with them?
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Other than getting them to an Elder Attorney sooner rather then later to make the necessary arrangements this will remain a financial minefield. A trust can set up to insure some of the assets to be protected.....but if they plan on using the 500k for their own eldercare, there might not be much left if they both need AL at some point. Since brother refuses to work will he be the caregiver? Why have your parents supported him all these years since he is perfectly capable of working? You say that this has been going on for so long that they should leave the money solely to him. Wrong. Your selfish, arrogant sibling has been enabled by your parents for all his life. I would think his sense of "entitlement" has run it's course. And to be honest.......I don't understand your complacency in all of this. Are you and your brother close? What is your relationship with your parents? And finally how can your parents justify (other than the fact he's a deadbeat) the blatant show of favoritism and you be okay with it? And for your brother...you don't need a PHD to figure out this family dynamic is dysfunctional.
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kft4502 Jul 2019
Thanks Abby, I'm not close with my brother I'm just thinking at 47 he is un-hireable. I had trouble with the favoritism issue for awhile. When I tried to get my parents to kick my bro in the ass at around age 30 to get him to grow up I was accused of being a "green eyed monster" OUCH!

My relationship with my parents is permanently broken due to the issues with my brother but with them in their 80s I'm trying to just get the mess of their lives sorted out and keep my brother away from me if possible.
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I know it’s not exactly your question but why on earth would you want to perpetuate the enabling your parents have done in allowing your brother to be a bum? Sorry if that sounds harsh, but having a hard time understanding that.
Meanwhile, if there is any way or anyone to convince your dad to see a lawyer to do a will hopefully he’ll go and plan for he and his wife, then treat both his adult children fairly
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rovana Jul 2019
I don't think OP wants to perpetuate enabling her brother - it sounds to me more like seeing the coming train wreck realistically and trying to figure out ahead of time how to mitigate it.
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Are you worried that you will have to pay his way when he blows through his inheritance, assuming there is one?

Because quite frankly, you should tell him to put his big boy pants on and quit sucking off his aged parents.

If he choses to continue with his attitude after they are gone you are in no way obligated to pay anything for him or provide him with a home. It is amazing how false pride goes by the wayside when you haven't eaten for a couple of days.

It is unfortunate that your parents are not willing to put things in writing, but not uncommon. My dad had to go through a crisis and almost die before he would appoint POAs, he has nothing left but SS so the rest didn't matter. But I am afraid that your mom is beyond appointing anyone and your dad may find himself up a creek without a paddle if he himself has any medical emergency.

Your brother, well, I believe that if you don't work, you don't eat and that can change things pretty quickly for a prideful, arrogant, entitled boy.
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Pepita48 Jul 2019
Spot on!
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@kft4502, I am sorry you must watch this. It must be a very stressful situation.

Does this brother live with your parents?

You called him your youngest brother. Do you have other siblings?
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They are leaving a big problem...yes, for HIM, not you. When he has to, he will get off his rear end and work or he will be homeless. My brother is not this bad, but he has not made any preparations for his old age and blows money fast as he gets it. His problem not mine and I will not own it. You have to take care of yourself. Good luck!
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Your dad seems to be "reasonable" still but I think wasting energy on trying to get him to go to a lawyer, financial planner, etc. when his is obviously resistant and in denial/fearful might be exhausting for all involved, but you can bring info to him. Find out prices of care local to him. Right now, what does it cost to have someone mow the yard? Plow the snow? Do repairs? What does it cost to have a daytime helper (from a service or an individual)? What does it cost monthly for assisted living and all other "helps" are a la carte expenses? Add it up annually and then over an extended period of time. How much care will his home sale cover for 2 people? (Answer: not much!) This will hopefully shock him. Do the math for your dad. Numbers don't lie. I've gone to nice facilities and taken my own pics of places (including the residents having fun) and shown them to my in-laws to clear up old notions of horrible asylum-type nursing homes of the past. Let him mull it over for a while. Download Durable Power of Attorney docs, will, Medical directive docs from LegalZoom.com and go over it with him but don't pressure him to sign anything. Explain what will most likely happen if he doesn't set it up now, when the county decides everything in the end and he won't like it (and neither will his shiftless son). The conversation is about him being in control of his future care and ensuring he gets the best he can for himself and his wife. That's all that is in your power to do for now.
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busymom Aug 2019
I agree that getting the financial information into your dad’s hands will be eye-opening! For some reason, we older people (and people like my deceased dad) understand the value of the hard-earned dollar. When something is on paper that explains real costs, it can be a great motivator for making future plans.

Not only should the parents plan for their possible nursing care costs, but also set up a Will/Trust, Living Will, pre-plan for funeral arrangements/expenses, and be sure they have at least 2 people (not just a spouse) who can be on the HIPPA and be their Medical POA.
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I too do not understand why you want to continue to enable your brother. It makes no sense at all.

I have met a few men who feel they are above mere mortals and cannot be an employee. They have started their own businesses.

If there is no money left after your parents die, then your brother will have to figure out what to do. It is not your circus.
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[mutters: it's news to me that an obnoxious personality is considered a drawback in academia...]

Given how airy-fairy about it your parents have been when you've questioned their estate planning, I'm just wondering how much you know for sure about your parents' money and how much is educated guesswork?

Do they understand your concerns, or do you think they might think you're asking with an element of self-interest about it?

It might, perhaps, be an idea to write your worries down in letter form. Nicely, but to the effect of "listen up, dumbo - if you get struck by lightning tomorrow dear little Friedrich is going to be up the creek without a paddle, and if you think I'll be hauling him out you've got another think coming. SORT YOUR MONEY OUT. Lots of love xxx"

If you can staple this to a document proposing suitable investments your father might consider, so much the better.

I must say you're remarkably equable about all this. Good for you! - but does not it not chafe at all?
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kft4502 Jul 2019
I get what you are saying Countrymouse about the estate plan. I made it clear I didn't want any money from them. I actually do have a lot of anger about this situation and I'm trying to get past that to try to get them to work on an Estate plan. Posting here and hearing from all of you is very therapeutic! Thanks
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Is your brother high functioning person with an Autism Spectrum Disorder?
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kft4502 Jul 2019
It is possible he is a high functioning with Autism but I'm not aware of a diagnosis. Could getting a diagnosis qualify him for Social Security Disability once the parents are gone?
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KT, why do you think your parents should continue to support your brother after they have died? Let me tell you, I’ve got one of “those” brothers too. Except mine is 35, has NO education past 9th grade and has worked ONE year in his life (working valet for a casino). My parents have enabled him for years. He is on anxiety meds and has suffered from alcoholism for years so his liver is damaged but he is arill able-bodied and sober. He has never lived on his own, other than when he was incarcerated various times. He doesn’t know how to manage money or anything. He had an abscessed tooth recently and MY MOM is the one who got him in to the dentist and paid the bill! He can’t even call and make his own appointments! So I understand what it’s like having a sibling who has been enabled their entire lives and isn’t a self-sufficient member of society. My parents had a living trust created last year and whatever is left, will be equally split between my brother I. I don’t think there will be any cash or retirement plans to cash in, just the house to sell. So when that day comes, my bum of a brother will get a check in the hundreds of thousands! So I understand you must feel knowing your brother will also inherit a large sum of money. As a sibling, I don’t feel it is my responsibility to take care of my brother when our parents are gone. It’s not my duty to pick up the torch of enablement. He’s not staying in the house, I’m selling it. It’s not like he would have money to pay the taxes, insurance and utilities. There’s a part of me that hates the fact that he will get that money and blow it. He’s not going to invest it or buy a place with it. He’s going to blow it. On a ton of material objects that he will have NO PLACE to keep when he has to vacate the house. I too, do not understand why he isn’t getting off his arse & getting his act together. Our parents are 71 and both have health issues including advanced COPD, high blood pressure and heart issues. My dads blood pressure has been so high that the doctors said he should be dead! Our parents know they aren’t immortal but my brother apparently thinks they are. Or perhaps he thinks he’s in for a large inheritance? He’s sadly mistake, I believe our monetary inheritance will come solely from the sale of the house after our parents debts have been paid. The house is currently worth $400k.

I think the annuity is a good idea. You’ve peaked my interest there. The only thing is, i don’t think it can be set up before they die. You have to make an initial investment and commit to a certain amount. As someone who again has a bum sibling, speaking for me personally, even though I will not enable him, it would give me PEACE OF MIND knowing that he receives a certain amount of money each month. It would be better than cutting him that huge check only to have him blow it within months and end up on the street. I would hope that with an annuity, he would at least use it to pay rent on an apartment. I am going to ask my parents what they think about an annuity, I bet they would be willing to call the lawyer & see if something can be written into the trust that authorizes me to take my brothers half & put it in an annuity for him. I would feel better knowing he has money to live off of.

I don’t think everything should be left to your brother, simply because your parents have taken care of him all this time. It’s ultimately our parents decision to decide how to split their estates. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to leave more to the children they helped out the LEAST but that’s just me.
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Isthisrealyreal Jul 2019
Cali, annuities are not what they are sold as. Encourage your parents to do a irrevocable trust that pays a certain percentage of the assets monthly.

They can set his inheritance up one way and yours completely different.

Please do plenty of research on annuities before you talk to them about one.

The old adage if it sounds to good to be true...yeah.

One benefit is that the house would have to be sold before he got any money, so he wouldn't be filling the house up with stuff.

I have to say, I was on my own at 16 and my formal education ended in the 9th grade, I refused to have my parents need to call if I was ill. So I personally don't think that is a good excuse. I learned every day how to improve my lot and learn my job. I became a full charge bookkeeper and then a successful business owner. No formal education is just an excuse, can't teach ambition.
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Without a will, Probate Court will determine final outcome. If your brother has no history of employment or bank accounts, loans or credit cards, leases or mortgages and simple things like utilities in his own name, it is pretty clear he is NOT capable of handling affairs for anyone - including himself. If it turns out to involve a lot of money - as determined by the court - the court might consider him incapable and in need of his inheritance being managed. If the court agreed he needs a manager siblings do not have to take on that responsibility.

To even be considered for work requires a paper trail of employment, legal status, credit, and health/drug fitness. It requires personal references. So if he's as bad as sister claims, he can not manage and is not employable under current laws and company policies.

You said he is your "youngest brother". Does this mean you have more than one brother?
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kft4502 Jul 2019
Yes, I have another brother. I am the oldest. My middle brother is a good man but not a financially successful as me so I think this mess with the youngest will fall on me. Thanks for the tip on the probate, I'll investigate that.
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I do not know if there is a diagnosis of mental illness. With that degree I kind of doubt it. Question here is "Are you your brother's keeper"? Because when your parents pass he will be, apparently, only too happy to have you take complete care of him until you are dead as well. Sorry to be so blunt. Am thrilled to hear your parents are planning to sell their home to use proceeds for elder care. That may give the bro the incentive to move out and move on with life. He sounds quite personality disordered. I am not certain if you want to give up your own life to dedicate yourself to his lifelong care, but it looks like you are faced with options. I think that with someone with this sort of degree being also someone who has never done a thing, even to manage his own bank account, something is not matching up. Your brother may be seriously mentally ill without your knowing it. Wishing you good luck, but haven't a clue as to what can be done about any of this. The streets of my town are absolutely FLOODED with homeless. I am afraid that not everything can be fixed.
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kft4502 Jul 2019
Thanks for your reply Alva. It might be easier if he lived with my parents but actually he lives elsewhere and they pay his rent. At 47 having never worked, I doubt he would be considered hire able by anyone for anything. Yes, it is quite a mess and I don't know how to solve it either but thinks for your supportive comments.
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Think your brother is a narcissist I wouldn’t worry because I doubt there will be anything left
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KFT, yes, a dx of autism might qualify your brother for benefits.

It might also reframe how you think about him.
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Reading all these answers and responses I have to say that you have the ability to tell him "No" it is a complete sentence.

He can find work, people are willing to give anyone a job to give them a chance. There are help wanted signs everywhere. No excuses for not working.

Do I remember a similar post and the deadbeat brother knew his free ride was over and actually stepped up and started working and doing what he needed to do to have a roof and food.

No matter what your brothers issues are he makes the choice every single day to mooch off your parents, as you have discovered you can't change that, but you don't have to pick up where they left off. He is a big boy and there are all kinds of jobs that he will be able to do. His education at this point is a piece of expensive paper, it will never serve him in life, he wasted that opportunity.

Please get your head wrapped around the reality that you are not responsible to pick up where your parents leave off. People can smell that stuff and he will eat you alive if he thinks you will waiver and support him. Practice, No, No, NO.
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TaylorUK Jul 2019
There are excuses for some people not to work - i am not suggesting brother is one, but these things need to be looked at to get a real picture of whether he is lazy or there is a reason he cannot work. If you have not come across clever people who cannot work I suggest you contact your local autism association who will be able to explain difficulties to you. If you have not been there or know someone close who is then you have no idea of the problems of sensory overload and changes in work / activity patterns etc.
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Firstly - I think you are wonderful to be thinking of the needs of your brother who is obviously either a wastrel or more likely on the autistic spectrum. If you would possibly get him adult assessed for aspergers or any other line on the spectrum it may help in getting him accepted for disability support.

Secondly - I think you need to take what you have told us and any supporting paperwork (including bank statements if you can get them) and go and see an elder lawyer and apply for all bits of paper he thinks necessary now and in the future that you can so that when something happens to your parents things are in place.

You cannot stop them leaving money how they like - and you don't sound as though you are bothered about them leaving it to you, only that they are all cared for, but getting advice from an Elder Lawyer or if he/she recommends a financial planner sounds like a good place to start.

Very best wishes to you in getting things at least underway xx
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worriedinCali Jul 2019
It makes no sense for the OP to go see a lawyer. It’s her parents that need to do it.
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Did your parents pay for for all of your brother's education, too?

You say you don't care about the money, but isn't your resentment of the favoritism rooted in money, because that is after all what they have in essence given him over the years? They have financially supported him.

With no will, their estate will be split three ways.

What happens if your parents need help in their home? You say you keep offering, but your father refuses. Are you offering to be the help? If so, why?
Sounds like something your brother should be doing! Why doesn't he move in with them and become their caregiver, in payment for all they have given him over the years?

You are going to be saddled with an awful lot within a few years. You will probably be expected to be directing their caregiving (if not expected to be doing it yourself). Why not back away now?
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Your parents made this problem and neither you or ur other brother are responsible for him when ur parents are gone. Please, don't feel you need to support him. Even if he is Autistic/Aspergergs he seems to be able to live on his own. He has a College education. He can fend for himself. I would make sure he realizes that when ur parents pass, you and ur other brother are not responsible to support him and u won't. The buck stops at Mom and Dad.

If no will, you can go to Probate and become an Administrator. They have the same responsibilities as an Executor but the court will decide how the estate will be split up. Since there r 3 of you, probably 3 ways. I don't see where its fair that it all should go to ur brother. What about the other brother, does he feel this way.
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Parents can set up a Special Needs Trust for family members who need it.
They do not necessarily share the information with their siblings, but someone will be in charge of the administration of the trust after the parents pass.

Sorry this issue has come between you and your family.

You are right to be standing by and offering to help your parents. However, unless they ask or allow you to help, try not to let this interfere with your relationship.
Maybe visit a little less often.

You need to have a life too.

I have seen family step in at the last minute when help was needed, unravel a mess, and the parents were cared for.
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A Special Needs Trust is just that, for a person with Special Needs. In my Nephews case, for physical and neurological challenges from birth. You have to prove that the persons needs warrant it. Its usually to protect money they already have. In nephews case, his Moms insurance policy. For some its an inheritance. Its usually set up so Social Security disability can be obtained. Social Services recommended the trust when nephew applied for SSD.

Her brother has never been diagnosed but it sounds like he has a personality disorder that probably should have been addressed at an early age. It doesn't mean he can't hold down a job. He probably feels his siblings should care for him when his parents pass. That thought needs to be squashed now. He is an emancipated adult responsible for himself.
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Maybe your parents already have everything in place & just don’t want to discuss it. Maybe not. Could be that it’s just too overwhelming now for your parents & they don’t have the energy to deal with it. I was pleasantly surprised to read they plan to sell their house for their own eldercare. Good for them!

If it were me in this situation, I’d be more concerned about making damn sure no one — brother, mom, dad — expects me & my family to be taking over the enabling when parents are gone. If you inherit any money, you can see an elder care lawyer yourself to use that money for a trust for your brother’s care.
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kdcm1011 Aug 2019
I realize this sounds contradictory and needs some explanation. IF you don’t want or need any inheritance, then you could use it to set up a trust to help brother out. Please do it for YOU & your family — too keep him away. But that sounds like it will only last for so long, doesn’t it?

My husband has a sister who is who is a lifelong moocher & can’t or won’t live on her own. She is also the mother’s favorite. When her last live-in relationship fell apart 11 years ago, she convinced her divorced sister to sell her condo & move in with her in a large house she wanted. A house that the parents put up the down payment for, with the agreement the parents would move in with them “when the time came”.

When she lost her excellent-paying job 5 years ago, she didn’t change her lifestyle; instead, going thru her small retirement savings. Meanwhile, most jobs available were beneath her (her words). Now she is working at one of those jobs and barely contributing at all to the shared household expenses.

Her motivation to take one of those jobs? Their needy mother moved in after father passed. Mother also not contributing to expenses (mother is also a lifelong moocher except when it comes to that 1 daughter). Sister making all the money & paying all the bills finally put her foot down, telling sister to either find a job or her job is catering to the mother. Working was much more preferable.

The other 3 siblings have made it clear moocher sibling isn’t welcome to live with any of them. One daughter is just like her mother; other daughter has already accepted she will have her mother living with her at some point in time.
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If your brother is not disabled I would say it would be about time he grew up, faced reality and got a job. What would he have to do if your parents had no money to leave him?
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At 47 he is not unhireable as you said earlier. This is his problem, not yours. The old adage applies...he made his bed and will have to lie in it applies. You said you don’t like your brother and don’t want to have to deal with him. Why are you making this your problem. Tough love is needed. If and when they die and leave a mess, it will be up to him to carry on and figure it out, not you. If you feel it’s your duty to worry about him and figure it out, then yes the hard truth is you too are enabling. Take this off your plate and leave it on his. Not easy but set that boundary as he obviously has none.
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worriedinCali Aug 2019
As someone with a brother and a brother-in-law who are not capable of being independent and have relied on parental support for far too long, I will tell you that the OP isn’t exactly making this his/her problem.
ive got the same kind of brother (except mine never even finished high school). When you’ve got a sibling who has been enabled for years like this, it really does become your problem in some ways.

case in point....my MIL enabled my BIL for years & supported every bad decision he made. He’s never had to pull up his boot straps and get himself out of the jam he created. My MIL never nipped the problem in the butt, she enabled until the end of her life. She died last year and now he’s become my SILs problem. As far as I can tell, she’s choosing to pick up where MIL left off. When she’s had enough, and I do believe that day will come, he’s going to start knocking on our door.

And my BIL blew through his inheritance from MIL in less than a year. Paid off one small debt and blew threw the rest.
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I understand the frustration and sense of injustice about a highly qualified 47 year old who appears to be disinclined rather than unable to work, but there needs to be some practicality and realism about it. "He must get a job" is only half an idea - the other half being "somebody must be persuaded to give him a job." Oh yeah? Like?

Chairman Mao believed in putting intellectuals to work in the rice paddies, too. Character-forming, was the idea, break down their bourgeois reactionary tendencies and all that.

But you can't use a scalpel as a hacksaw and expect it to go well, either for the scalpel or your woodworking project.

There must be *some* realisable value in the brother's abilities, all the same. KFT, are you on speaking terms with him at all or is he just too annoying to be borne?
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I have answered before, but why not just let your parents leave you and your brother their estate evenly, then, if you feel so inclined, you can dole out your portion to your brother as you want to. If they do not have a will, you will still get something.
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If you cannot persuade them to make a will, you are in for a long hard road. If there is another sibling that wants to take this on...I would let them have it!!
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Screwed your lazy, good for nothing brother! He sounds like a POS.
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TaylorUK Aug 2019
Yippee for support of the mentally disabled - lets label them all when no diagnosis has been made. This is the most ignorant post on this thread and helps the OP not a jot. Until there is a medical assessment of brother no one can know if he has problems leading to how he is or not - hope you never have a LO with mental issues to look after because clearly you will simply have them out on the street.
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Explain to them how much harder, and costly it will be for you and your siblings If they do not prepair now. My parents didn't want to see the goverment get any more then necessary. If possible have them pre- pay for their funeral. That's a hard one.
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