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Hello,
I have gone through what was the most difficult two years of my entire life of 58 years, giving care to my parents here in my home. I now sit in the aftermath and I am overcome with grief, deep sadness and guilt.
My father took a bad fall back in September of 2015 and his overall strength and cognition would take a sharp decline over the 18 months to follow. Two years ago, I had to step in and move my parents to my home out of state, to provide 24/7 care to my father. And so it began...
From day one, care-giving my dad was incredibly demanding - beyond anything I’d imagined. My beloved dad had developed an irrational bathroom obsession and I could not take him enough times on any given day. My father was 175 pounds, and he could not support his own bodyweight. I had to lift him from either laying down in bed or sitting from the sofa using a transfer belt, 10-12 round-trips to the bathroom a day - plus in and out of bed, into / out of the sitting room. I was also charged with ALL other care-giving tasks with no relief or assistance.
As difficult as my father’s care-giving was, it paled in comparison to living with and tending to my mother in tandem, as she was completely “off of the rails” emotionally. My dear mother was unable to process the dramatic, woeful changes in her life and she was mad at God, my father and oft times me. I won’t go into too many details, but my mother became combative and lashed out at my father and me numerous times.
After roughly 18 months here, my father passed from his declining condition and my mother and I remained. Not two weeks to the day that my father passed, my mother took a big fall in the bathroom – shattering her elbow and breaking her wrist. She was in and out of 2 hospitals and short term rehabs – returning home in a 100% dependant condition. I now had to care-give my mother to the same extent as my late, beloved father.
To be clear, my mother was a beautiful soul, but she had a nervous / behavioral condition (heightened immensely when my father fell ill) and she was extremely difficult to live with or even be around. The relentless pressure I was under for roughly two years 24/7 without reprieve or aid wore my nerves to a nub. I felt depressed, hopeless - sometimes suicidal and most of all far too easily angered. In the late days of this situation, I found myself having a “hair-trigger” whereby I would start yelling and becoming very upset and agitated when my mother would push my buttons (care-giver’s syndrome?).
Early last month, I had overslept a bit and didn’t feel too well. I had to get my mother ready for the PT who was en route to the house, and I was pressured and rushed. While I was trying to get mom ready, she was driving me up the wall with rapid-fire requests and demands while I was performing individual tasks. I became triggered and in short order I was yelling, stern and rushing in a huff. My mother was trying to sit up from her adjustable bed and she reached for my hand. I refused, telling her to stop being weak and sit up on her own. She then said she felt faint and asked me to get her into the office chair in the room. I scooped her up and transferred her to the chair – she went limp and stared blankly into space. I thought she was undergoing one of her countless nervous “tizzies” and I barked at her to stop it. I had no idea that she was in her last moments here with me. When she didn’t respond, I called 911 but they were unable to resuscitate her; she passed that afternoon.
I am devastated having lost both of my parents within 4 months. I am further ravaged by the sudden unexpected passing of my beloved mother that afternoon, feeling overwhelming guilt for getting triggered and not being kinder and gentler. I never would have believed our last moments together would be as they were. I really loved my mother and I can never forgive myself.
I don’t know where to find some counseling for this and I currently have no insurance. Any ideas are appreciated greatly.

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Morty, I am so sorry for the pain that you are in.

Let me do some research about the counseling and I'll get back to you. Do you belong to a church? Would you consider pastoral counseling?

Here is a list of low cost, sliding scale clinics:
https://www.needymeds.org/mental_clinics.taf?_function=state&state=PA
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If you are thinking even for a moment, that you are standing alone as the only caregiver who has ever “triggered” a health emergency in a loved one by expressing intense and uncomfortable emotions in the LO’s presence, you may feel free to disabuse yourself of that thought.

I did that, possibly more than once, before my sweet mother’s total inability to understand her limitations while living in my home made me realize that both my welfare and CERTAINLY HERS were being compromised by attempting to care for her there forced me to decide to place her in a very good local residence, and visit her there once or twice a day for the 5 1/2 years she spent there, until her comfortable and well cared for passing at 95.

During her “visit” with me, I slept on an air mattress on the floor beside her bed, because NO restraint was equal to keeping her safe.

The “rushing for the PT visit”? I had dressed her beautifully on a Sunday afternoon, and seated her on the couch minutes before the visit was expected. When the door bell rang, I pulled her into her walker, and at that moment, realized to my horror that she had soiled herself just after I’d seated her.

WHAT was I to do? Suffice to say, I moved faster than I’d ever thought I could move (or SHE could!) and by some super human capacity I’d never experienced before or since, got EVERYTHING including the upholstery, back to business before the doorbell rang for a 3rd time.

You have done NOTHING that hasn’t already been done and survived in other circumstances and other households.

You are a human being, and stress in caregiving is like a bank account, it accumulates WITH INTEREST.

You might try a google search for ”caregiver groups”. I went to a therapist for almost the whole period of time that I took care of my mother, but ultimately I realized that the talk part of going wasn’t worth all that much, because the “work” of resigning myself to my issues was really mostly for me to work through myself.

I did take an antidepressant and a sleep medicine (my sleep was severely disrupted and I was working 35 hours a week) and I needed to go to the therapist pretty much for my prescriptions.

Forgive yourself, and be confident that you deserve to be forgiven. It will take time, but if you work your thoughts toward that goal, you’ll do it.
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Hi Barb,

Thank you so much for your kind words and efforts. I am not of a Christian background and unfortunately church counseling would not suit me. It seems the only groups in my area are church based, but again, that route won't work well for me.

Thanks again. :)
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Tothill Jan 2020
Do you have a local Hospice organization? In our community they provide grief counseling at no cost. Mum has been going since step dad died in November 2018.

Respectively, I found support through a Faith Based divorce recovery group called Divorce Care. I am not a religious person and I did not use the scriptures etc in the program, but I did find support for what I was going through. I also made a new friend.

I have found free or low cost counseling through other organizations, local Mental health agencies, a dug and alcohol counseling centre, WAVA, Men's Trauma Centre.

You can ask Mum's doctor for a list of resources too.
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https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.esasd.net/cms/lib/PA01001915/Centricity/Domain/577/2013%2520PMC%2520Behavioral%2520Health%2520Care%2520Referral%2520List.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwiCw7f0mZLnAhXGY98KHeQNDi8QFjANegQIAhAB&usg=AOvVaw3nMSKBYlzlsCclNyGnC5Fe

Here's another list!

Was Hospice involved with either parent? They offer counseling. Many funeral homes sponsor grief groups facilitated by a social worker.
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Morty, I have not walked in your shoes but I do care for my 90 yr old mom who, even though I love her, has a "prickly" personality. Sharing your story and your raw emotions has already become a good deed, as this has heightened my determination to recognize the triggers from my mom and to not allow it to get out of hand. I'm so sorry for your experiences these past years. My heart aches and breaks for you. But please, think on all the thousands of other poignant times you had with your parents and don't dwell on the last ones. They wouldn't want you to dwell on them, would they? Also, if you live near a synagogue I would imagine they'd offer counseling services. May you receive peace in your heart and be comforted by all the many, many loving memories of your dear parents. Bless you!
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"She felt faint" It wasn't your impatience with her that caused her passing, she probably had a heart attack. Happened to a friend, he felt odd at the dinner table and went to sit in the living room. When his wife checked on him, he was gone. 70 yrs old.

I think any of us that have or are now taken care of someone, loses it. Even though we realize with LOs suffering from dementia they can't help it, we lose it. It takes a very special person who can care for anyone. They have the patience of a saint. Me, I don't have patience at all. And get overwhelmed easily. My Mom acted like a child at times. Her face and speech would become childlike. One day we were sitting at a table and she kept trying to play with, lets say, the salt shaker. I moved it out of her way but she kept trying and I'd no, the last time she went for it, I smacked her hand, not hard just a smack u'd give a small child. I could not believe I had done that. Her face was like she couldn't believe I had done that. Yes, I felt guilty and do about my impatience. Believe me, my Mom lacked patience with us kids. But at 70 I refuse to feel guilty the rest of my life. I actually wonder who would have cared for my Mom if I hadn't been there. Because, my brothers really never did much for Mom even before her illness. Maybe because I was around. I cared for her the best I could. She never did without.

Let yourself grieve but know you did your very best for ur parents. Get out, walk. Push yourself a little everyday. Try to pick up friendships. Facebook is great for this.
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Your story brought tears to my eyes.  I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Mother and Dad and I want you to listen to me.  You have given of yourself in ways that many wouldn't even consider.  You are a generous, loving person and the stress and frustrations of caregiving have left you emotionally exhausted.  Caregiving for just one loved one is a challenge, but you cared for both of them - and experienced very demanding circumstances.  Please, allow yourself time to grieve and as soon as you're able, get out of the house.  Spend time with friends or whatever it takes to get you out and among others.  You WILL heal in time, but that is the key - time.  Bless you for caring for your parents in their time of need.  Sending lots of hugs, cause right now you need them.  💙

PS  What you experienced is called "burn-out," and most all care-givers feel it, at times.  What happened with your Mother was very unfortunate, but you were in no way responsible for her death - don't even go there.  It was just her time. 
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Morty, you couldn't possibly and realistically handle all that you've done w/o pushing yourself close to a breaking point, mentally or physically, or both.

What you're experiencing isn't unusual, especially since it accelerated toward the end. Please  consider that, and know that the standards we often set in caring for our parents can't possibly be carried out by us alone.

IMHO, it's very, very difficult to forgive ourselves for what we did or didn't do, as we tend to set impossible goals when it comes to caring for others, especially our parents.    The fact that you're experiencing what you are is testament to your conscientiousness and love for your parents.

Caregiving challenges us in ways we've probably never before been challenged.   Each situation is different, yet there are also comparable factors.    The issue is that we can never be all that we want to be when caring for parents; it's just impossible.    And we're not invulnerable and may at some point find fault with ourselves.

Remember and repeatedly remind yourself that the caregiving required isn't something a single daughter or son can do alone.    Those of us who try recognize that, but often not until later b/c when we're trying, we're overwhelmed with what we're trying to accomplish.

After death, I think the blame meter rises to the max for the surviving son, daughter, or other caregiver.  And it sticks there, sometimes for months.   It often takes a lot of diversion to bring it back to normal, starting with recognizing what you did do for them, what was positive, and how much you sacrificed.   And recognize that ALL that you wanted, or thought you should do, more than likely couldn't possibly be realistically undertaken.

It also requires recognition that we're not SuperDaughter or SuperSon and can't perform James Bond or Superman feats, even though that seems to be what's often required.  

I think that recognition is perhaps the most important aspect of caregiving self analysis.   Acceptance of limitations, and that we did the best we could are the next steps.

I've thought often and believe this more strongly that there's a caregiving PTST/PTSS that manifests itself not only during but after life ends for those we care for.    I don't think it'll be recognized and incorporated into the DSM for sometime; but it's real.   

A good friend shared some wisdom which I've often thought about:   we did the BEST we could for our parents.   

What's helped me is to think through the situations, let the emotions come and rear their ugly memories, analyze what I could have done better, and recognize that there were also insurmountable objects in existence.    Those factors prevented more effort as I would have preferred, and probably would have more seriously affected my own life. 

Consider that as well:   had you pushed yourself more, your own health would have been affected, diminishing what you could share for your parents.    Then the situation would have been worse, much, much worse.

What are your interests?   Are you working?   Hobbies?   Start with setting aside some time for any of these, to refocus, and do something that restores your self esteem.    But remember, this doesn't happen quickly.    Give it time.   

If you're in a position to travel, just take a day trip or a few days to get away and clear your mind.     And remember:  you weren't the only factor in the triad:  your parents' health and demeanors affected your actions, so it wasn't as if your actions were the only factor, and therefore, you can't blame yourself.
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Morrison, you brought me to tears. I am so sorry. I am going through the same thing with my 95 year old mother so thank you for sharing. Please don’t feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing wrong!! It is so hard being a caregiver. I yell and snap at my mother too. You had no idea that this last time you would never see or speak to her again. Don’t beat yourself up over it. If you can find a counselor even if it is on a sliding scale, please talk to one to get you through it. Omg, I need tissues. I am so very very sorry.
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First of all, I want to offer condolences for your loss. Sending you a million hugs.

I was in your shoes for the longest time. I cared for both of my parents and at one time my oldest brother too. Unless a person goes through this they don’t have a clue. I had no clue myself what I was in for being a full time caregiver.

Let me assure you that your burnout is not uncommon. I burned out too. I was cracking up. There were so many times my nerves were completely frayed. I cried to this forum all of the time. I was short with mom too at times.

Trust me, anyone in our situation was running on empty and did our very best. You know that you did all that you could. I believe when our number is up, that’s it! That was her time to leave this world and you could not have prevented it. You know that. You are sad about how it ended. Your last moments with her. I understand that. Like you said, you did not know it was her last moments.

Gosh, I am crying thinking about how sad it must have been for you. I am so sorry you experienced this.

I ended up in therapy dealing with issues too. If a person doesn’t have insurance or a good income it is beyond their financial capacity to pay. I get that.

Do you have NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) in your area?

I also understand if you are not a Christian that you would not want a Christian therapist but there are people who are not believers that participate in faith based programs all the time.

I am sure that you are aware of twelve step programs for those who struggle with addiction. The way it is handled is you can choose anything as your ‘higher power.’ A higher power does not necessarily have to be God. Do you follow me? The principles are what is most important.

People can be good, decent, kind, loving and moral people without having God in their lives. I personally feel like YOU are a perfect example of that. You do not need to explain to anyone why you have chosen not to believe.

There are Christians who are downright hateful and use their religion to harm others which is despicable to me.

There are non believers who are hateful too. This is why we should not generalize. I am pretty much a ‘live and let live’ person as long as no harm is done.

I am sure that you are aware there are many loving Christians that will not force their religious beliefs down your throat. Christians should not judge. Some do. Some secular people judge others too. Actually, some people are not judging other people but rather their actions. Their is a difference. We can love someone but not their actions.

I respect all people, believers and non believers. We have free will to choose our path in life.

I truly feel your pain. I ache for you. I feared everyday that I would experience what you did. I had mom for 15 years in my home. It got pretty tense at the end. I had to ask her to leave. I was more than burned out. I was fried to a crisp! Mom is now with my brother and sister in-law. I did more than my share.

Once, I thought mom was exaggerating. I would get tired of the ER trips. Mom has many legitimate things to complain about and yes, I love her in spite of the pain, just like you loved your mom. Somehow, I sensed something was different. I could feel it and see it. I took her to the ER. Her blood pressure had dropped really low. The hospitalist took her off of her blood pressure meds. Parkinson’s patients tend to run lower blood pressure.

But what happened to you could and does happen to stressed out caregivers. You did the very best that you could in the most trying of times with no help at all! Sometimes we miss things if we are stressed out and we are not nurses or doctors. Sometimes they even miss things.

I am sorry my message is so long. Your post hit me like a ton of bricks. Promise me that you will update us. We care. I wish you the very best. Better days are ahead. You are grieving and in shock. It takes time to heal.

Take care.
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Hello everyone,

 My gosh, what a wonderful group of people you are. I can’t thank you all enough for your kind words, empathy, genuine compassion and sharing of your own life experiences and wisdom. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Your kind words have really helped me through another day. I will assuredly refer back to this thread many times as the days pass to keep me going.

Just for the record, my account name is a bit confusing and I do apologize. As I was unable to add an apostrophe to the name, I just went with the run-on phrase, which should read Morty’s son (in honor of my beloved father).

I will try and address some of your questions in a separate post.
Thank you all so very much!
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