My friend who's father is also in memory care, told me that she tells her father whatever she thinks will make him feel better. When he asks where his wife (who is deceased) is, she tells him, she's at the store, or getting her hair fixed and doesn't remind him that she has died. He likes to give people money, so they gave him play money and he thinks its real. Is this ok? I just can't seem to bring myself to do that with my mother. I'm fearful she'll wonder why I am lying to her. I've been mulling this around in my mind for days and haven't come to a conclusion. Does anyone else do this for their loved one with dementia?
Anyway, my answer is yes. Sometimes the questions and queries are on a "tape loop". Best to answer, and distract: SQUIRREL.!! At times you have to divert their attention, even if it's just temporary... Perhaps, it will jar up another thought they had... Well, at least it may be different?
Maybe they know the answer, but don't really want to believe the truth.. If your LO past, do you really want to ask the same question? They are hoping for a happier or better answer.. Sometimes the right truthful answer is too hard to accept..
If this is a choice made WITH LOVE AND RESPECT, it is NOT LYING, it is COMPASSION.
My sister is reasonably good at fibbing (she developed that skill while growing up!), but FWIW (and not trying to come across as a "goody-goody-two-shoes"--I saw my sister get into trouble and wanted to avoid that myself) I was the "obedient" child who obeyed and told the truth. (Besides, I didn't want to go through the additional mental effort of remembering a lie or covering up for it!) Now at the nursing home, my sister will answer a question differently from the way I would, but fortunately our mother doesn't remember the answers that long.
I'm afraid that if I start fibbing, she'll catch on that I'm doing that. I'm not sure I could do it with a straight face or otherwise do it credibly. Personally, I hate getting insincere answers, and feel uncomfortable giving them--but maybe it will keep me from going insane from visiting my mother!
I'm also uncomfortable fibbing. It's just not how I am put together. I try redirecting. when I can. ie "How did we pay for the food in 1989?" " I don't remember, really, but it was different back then? We used to go to the grocery store after work on payday and then we'd always have 'breakfast for dinner' that night. I always looked forward to our Friday nights."
I try not to say "Remember that we used to...." because no, they probably don't remember.
I have sympathy, though. My dad was fixated on how much they sold the house for 20 years ago. (Not enough! He should have held out for more. ) He would not be redirected with any 'fun memories' I might have had. Occasionally, I could tell my chatter confused him enough that he stopped talking about it but he was still ruminating about it. Poor guy.
Its cruel to tell someone, when they ask, that their LO has died. It puts them thru the grieving process all over again. Some can except it others get upset and thats not fair to them.
My Mom would just start talking about anything that came into her head. I would answer and she look at me like I was nuts because she was already on to something else. So, you may not have to say anything because its forgotten and on to the next think. My daughter used to just let Mom talk. "Yes Mom Mom, Really Mom Mom, I agree"
Don't argue with them. They are in their own world. TV and dreams become part of their reality.
Sometimes they do remember - but I doubt she would recall that you’d said otherwise earlier. Can remember my gran wanting her husband to come in from the garden - having seen the gardener - on being told he was dead she snapped back - “well I know that - he died on 4 January 1965 - but tell him to come in for his tea before it gets cold!” My dad said something similar one time.
So the only answer I can give is do what seems right for you and your mum - everyone is different.
For a while, I was still envisioning things from my LO's normal state of mind, how she might think with her old self, but, what I learned to appreciate is that she was not thinking like her old self. It was a new way and she no longer had the ability for critical thinking, analyzing, reasoning, etc. I think my LO expected me to protect her, bring her comfort and to use my best judgment in her care. That's why she named me for that position. So, to me, I was doing what she wanted.
I think each situation is different. My LO only asked about her parents a few times, and the last time, I said that they would always live in our hearts. She seemed to like that and it made her smile. She never asked about them again.
There are times, not many perhaps, but this is one, when a simple falsehood is kinder and better for all involved. It has taken the medical community a while to realize this when dealing with Alzheimer patients. What she needs most of all is to feel that she, and those she loves, are safe.
The delusion of a romantic attraction between her and another patient or staff member is a different matter. You cannot encourage her belief, but DO expect her to resist whatever you say to the contrary. The art of distraction, directing her attention elsewhere, is sometimes the best you can do.
Good luck in dealing with such difficult situations. Just remember that with this disease, keeping her calm is more important than forcing her to accept the truth.
If a person wants to give money to people. there are 2 or really 3 choices.
Give him real money that will be given away or stolen at a facility OR give him play money that he thinks is real that he can give away.
Or your third option that really is not an option is to argue about it telling him that he can not have money to give away. You will learn quickly that an argument with a person that has dementia is futile it will get you nowhere it will leave you both frustrated and you angry.
Whatever happens in the verbal minute is solely in that minute. When that happens in the little world I visit when I go to see my LO, I’d most likely respond “Oh, you know (name). Always something going on with (her/him!)”.
Then I take my verbal lead from her next comment.
She has NEVER challenged something I’ve said to her as “truth” or “lie”. I DO NOT regard this as “lying”. I regard it as kindness. I expect MY LOs, if I ever succumb to the same wicked mental failure that has infected the older years of several of my Dearest, now gone, I want to be treated with the same loving conversations as I’m enjoying with my LO now!
I am doing that with my husband who has moderate to severe dementia. It was difficult to do at first, but I have become good at it. I often tell my husband I have a caregiver coming over because I need to buy groceries, but really just to walk in the park or see a movie to destress. He does not remember 15 mins later what I told him, much less a few hours later.
Tell your friend to try. She might be good at it too.
Besides your own emotional reaction. What do you see as the harm to your mother.
My Dad (who just recently passed away at 93) would talk about taking flying lessons, driving again....the list goes on & on.
Does absolutely no good, to correct them. It's not them, it's the disease!
Go with it!
My gram used to obsess about a family falling out that happened decades ago. I talked her through "forgiveness" and reminded her of the last time she saw the people she was mad at. Then I got to place where she would bring up "her mad", and I would remind her we already forgave and the last visit... which seemed to satisfy her.
When it comes to the topic dead people, I try to see what time period the person is reliving. I ask questions about that time period that included that "missing" person. Seems that helps to relieve the anxiety. When they ask where_____ is, I say that they are not here today (which is truth).
My mother has asked me to drop her off at her mother's, what her mother might be doing on X holiday, have I seen her recently, etc. Not today worked, but it was qualified with maybe tomorrow - that leaves the door open for her, otherwise she might become agitated and demand to know when! Shortly after she will likely forget it, but certainly before "tomorrow." It isn't to satisfy me and make me feel good, it is to assuage her needs. When I said her parents went to FL for the winter, she thought about it for a bit, and then was satisfied in her own mind that they did this in the past. Lie? Fib? Sure, but it kept her content and avoided any other more difficult questions she might come up with if I just said they are not here today. As it progresses, that "not here today" might be enough, but right now it isn't for my mother and likely wouldn't be for many others.
Whatever works for each of us and keeps the LOs calm and content, that is how it should be handled. It won't be the same for all of us. I was never one to rely on lies, they are wrong, but lies are mostly to cover your butt or hurt others. What we sometimes need to do is bend the truth or fib, so as to NOT hurt them and/or calm them! Bad enough they have this affliction, why make it worse for them?
As for "fibs", "lies", "bending the truth", whatever you want to call it, it is done to soothe the person, to keep them calm and not upset them. If telling your LO that a person they are looking for/asking about has died and it upsets them, yet forgets and asks again, what is the point in telling the truth? It upsets them, and most likely upsets you as a result.
Nine months after we moved our mother to MC, out of the blue she asked if I could drop her off at her mother's on my way home. Her mother has been gone 40+ years! Without any plan in place, I glanced at my watch, said it is kind of late in the day, not exactly on my way home, maybe tomorrow. THAT satisfied her (she said OK.) Immediately after she asked if I had a key to her place, referring to the house prior to the condo we moved her from (sold over 25 years ago!) I checked my lanyard and said no, maybe at home, I will check when I get there. Again she said ok, and then said she would go stay there tonight if she had a key!! Not sure how the current owners would react to that!
So, it will be a bit of a tightrope walk - respond with something plausible that doesn't upset your LO. It is difficult, sometimes, initially, but think of it this way:
LIES are told to hurt people.
FIBS to LO with dementia is to AVOID hurting them, esp since it will likely happen over and over.
My mother later continued to ask about her mother, such as asking what she's doing for a holiday, have I seen her lately, etc. Staff has told me she mentioned her father too, but she hasn't to me. Once when she asked about her mother, in the winter, I took a chance on saying they went to FL for the winter. She thought about it for a bit, then said they used to do that. I was worried she would be upset they didn't ask her to go (mom & dad had a place in FL and went there every winter.) I lucked out that she didn't!
Go with the flow. Don't argue. Don't correct. Do be kind, even if it means fibbing. Do try to redirect/refocus their attention onto something else.
When we're raised to tell the truth, it's hard to wrap your head around it. However, if the truth causes your LO pain, and you have to have the same conversation over and over, it's so hard on them ( and you) for the sake of "the truth "! You can try to redirect the conversation. When that doesn't work ask yourself if telling the truth for the 50th time is for their sake or for yours?
In my experience, fibbing was best for my Aunt.
Best wishes!