Follow
Share

I found out my whole life was half a lie. My mom had an affair on my "dad". My Dad was some guy named Steve. Long story shorter. I found "Steve" and we've talked-texted but never met. I'm 99% he's my Dad. He also believes I’m his daughter. Well, One day I couldn’t get ahold of him so I did a welfare check. Btw he's in Illinois and I in Seattle. Well the cop said his house is HORRIBLE and probably uninhabitable. They took Steve to the hospital and a few days later to a rehab facility where he is now.
I don't know what to do about ANYTHING? He has no friends or family there. He says he wants to give me his house or sell the house and give me the money but I have no clue what I am supposed to do? Some lady representing the rehab place said we need to sell it to get him Medicaid, but someone else said he had both Medicaids. I'm so so lost what to do? It doesn’t help I have no money to fly there and meet my “Dad”.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
I think your birth father is exactly where he needs to be right now; in rehab where he can get the help he needs. I'm sure he's already got Medicaid and if not, the social workers will help him figure it all out without you needing to do anything.

You don't have the funds to fly out to IL and even if you did, Steve is a stranger. If he's the man who sired you, that doesnt make him a "dad". A dad is someone who raises you and loves you from when you're a baby and who you can count on always.

My suggestion is to keep things on a texting basis for now. Don't feel the need to swoop in and save the day or the man. It's a very stressful thing to meet a birth parent or family member for the first time, especially alone. I know. I did it at 43 years old and it was not the experience I was hoping for. It tore me apart, actually.

Steve is living a lifestyle you are probably not accustomed to, in a "horrible" and uninhabitable home. You'll be in way over your head, and then what?? You can't be responsible for choices or decisions this man has made over the course of his life that have landed him where he's at right now.

See how things play out with rehab and if he winds up staying there long term. You can keep your friendship on a casual basis w/o taking on a lot of stress or putting yourself in a caregiving position. It's the best thing you can do right now for your OWN emotional wellbeing. I say that with good intentions for you, dear one.
Helpful Answer (16)
Report

You have no proof this is your Dad. DNA is the only way to prove it. Of course he thinks ur his daughter, he needs someone to care for him. This also sounds like there maybe some mental illness involved,

It is not easy getting someone help. You go to one agency, they send you to another and it goes on. Let the State he is in take over his care. They will assign a guardian. That person will work with the agencies to find him what he needs. If its 24/7 care in a facility, then thats were he needs to be. If Medicaid will be involved, any assets he has will be used to pay for his care. His home will need to be sold to pay for care. He cannot promise u anything.

"You have no clue what to do and your lost what to do." Because of this, you do nothing. I so hope u did not tell anyone ur his daughter. You have no proof and believe me you do not want to get involved if you do not understand the system. You will be told there is help out there. Once you walk thru those Rehab doors with him, you will be on your own. There is help but you need to know where to find it and it does not happen overnight and can't be done from 6 states away. Do not consider bringing him to ur state. Medicaid does not go over state lines.

He has Medicaid? Health and maybe "in home"? Longterm care is a different thing with different criteria. If he has home care, it maybe be an easy transition to LTC. The criteria is similar. With "in home" care he has no assets other than his home and SS. Because he is on any type of Medicaid, his home is really not his. Upon his death, Medicaid will place a lien on the home and it will have to be sold to satisfy the lean. And I would bet he has not paid taxes, so he will lose the house for non-payment of taxes. Do not get yourself into a situation you can't get out of. You do not really know this man or his history. If you can't afford a plane ticket, you can't afford taking on caring for this man.

I was told in my early 20s that the man who raised me was not my Dad. He had met Mom when I was 1 and married her when I was 2 and then adopted me. My real father knew of me and chose not to be involved in my life. If I owed anything to anyone, it was the "Dad" who raised me. Not a man ur not sure is your father. Steve is literally a stranger and you need to make that clear to the people who are there who can help him. Who can get thru the red tape. There is a reason he has no family or friends. You will never have a "daughter/father" relationship with him because there is no foundation. You can be a friend. You can allow people who know what they are doing help him. (He can get Medicaid without selling the house. The house is an exempt asset until death.) Even people at a Rehab facility do not know the ins and outs of Medicaid. I always talked to my Moms caseworker.

Please, put your emotions aside and allow urself to think logically, you cannot help this man.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
waytomisery Jan 3, 2024
DNA,
True story. My daughter in law only found out who her “ potential “ father was through ancestry . Only to find out the man had an identical twin . At first they both denied being her father . Then a few years went by and the one finally admitted he had had a relationship with the mother .
(3)
Report
See 3 more replies
WOW I’m truly grateful and blessed with ALL the great advice! I have prayed and prayed for answers and I was led to this page THANK YOU.
I believe the best thing for Steve is to let the state take care of him. I still do plan on trying to talk to him and send him gifts, like slippers etc. Unfortunately there's no phones in their rooms, and he lost his in his home. As for me, some questioned…I was fired from my job for trying to do the right thing and stop a shoplifter. Tho shall not steal. It’s okay though when one door shuts I go out a window. My next blessing will be I will meet this man Steve and get a DNA test so I will have my answer. Again, Thank you EVERYONE for your time and GREAT advice!
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
lealonnie1 Jan 3, 2024
Sending you a big hug today and a "bravo" for doing the right thing in spite of lawlessness being "okay" in our society these days. Stealing is still wrong, regardless. Good luck to you.
(5)
Report
AYMD; welcome!

I think you need to leave "dad" to the care of the state he's in. You don't sound like you have the wherewithal to take on the care of an elder

Take care of you, please!
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

I think it’s too late in this man’s life for you to feel obligated to come in and help with this mess .

He can’t give you the house or the money from the sale of the house anyway. The money would have to be used for his care . If he were to gift you that money , Medicaid would ask for it back .

There is really nothing you can do for this man. Let the social worker and the state agencies help him maneuver setting up his care .
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

The person who told you that Steve needs to sell his home is wrong.
This is what can happen when you take the advice of someone you don't know, who isn't an expert, and you can get the same sort of faulty advice from folks on a Forum. Hee hee, that's ME.
But here goes.

This sweet gentleman MAY HAVE supplied the sperm to create you.
But no one can know that at this point; there has been no testing.
Even if testing shows that he DID supply said sperm, he is not legally your father.
You have no obligation here.

Your best foot forward is to call the rehab and ask for a Social Worker.
You can tell the social worker that to the best of your knowledge, Steve has no living family. Whether or not you share with her what you did with us is up to you but it makes no legal difference in the scheme of things.
Tell the social worker that Steve told you his home is just about uninhabitable and that he is a "senior at risk" and needs an APS case opened.

This gives a head's up to the social worker, who likely already DOES KNOW some of this.
She can make Steve, if he needs it, a ward of the state who will look after him. It is then up to the Fiduciary appointed by the courts to manage for Steve as regards the house.

You have no rights here.
You have no obligations here.
You can only interfere and muddy things by getting bad info you already got (you can get medicaid and keep one home).

What you CAN do, if you should so wish, is assume that Steve is a sweet guy and was/is your dad by genetic accident. And communicate, send lovely cards, buy him a pair of comfy slippers and sweat pants, whatever. You may never KNOW the truth if you aren't able to travel and no DNA testing is done. But you can be a blessing in the end of this man's life if you wish.

Wishing you the very best, and Steve as well.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
cover9339 Jan 3, 2024
👍🏾
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Be scam wary. Do not send Steve money. Do not give him any more personal information. You really don't know this guy! He was a sperm donor, nothing more, and maybe not even that. He's not going to give you his house, and as others have pointed out, it may not be available to give. But it's a lure for him to get you to help him now.

I wish you luck, but I hope you'll leave Steve behind and create a life for yourself on your own.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I’ve read several stories of adoptees who have searched for and found a birth parent. It rarely results in a great new relationship - you both have very separate lives. Usually it can settle some questions that may have haunted the 'child' for many years. At worst it’s very unpleasant – you can hear things about the past that you would prefer not to have known, the ‘parent’ can try to beg or borrow money, or be demanding and then hard to shake off. If nothing else, old people rarely seem as attractive as they were in middle age. You may regret the whole thing.

If you decide to go ahead with a meeting, keep your expectations low, the timing brief, and your ‘help’ offers well under control. Go away and think about it before getting too involved. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I feel for you! My Dad died when I was young. At 21 years old I found out I had a "father" only because I look like him and other's made the connection that soon made its way to me.
DNA test concluded 99.99% chance he WAS my father. But, he always denied me to his "real" family. I met him once. Only to look at him to see if I really looked so much like him. It was like a mirror where I'd turned into an older man!
I didn't like him but he did not deny me to my face. I left and never met or spoke with him again.
He died last year. I have no regrets.
My Dad loved me, my Dad who I lost as a child will always be my Dad. The "father" is basically a sperm donor.
With all this said, I'd advise you NOT to get tangled in this persons issues. If you meet try not to have expectations that you will instantly have a connection. Like others have stated, he is a stranger to you. You do not know him, and may not even like him when/if you meet.
In time, after you have lived with this knowledge a while, it will just become something that is, but does not have to be something that takes over your life.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

First, get a positive DNA test in hand.

Then, if he really is your biological father, and if it truly is a hoarded house, RUN, RUN, RUN away from taking on this responsibility and stay out of his personal business! Turn it all over to his social worker and become JUST a loving friend. Complete businesses are built on cleaning hoards. Getting involved with a person with dementia is difficult. Dealing with that AND a hoard is overwhelming agony.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Areyoumydad Jan 4, 2024
Your right. The social worker for the rehab place is trying to tell me to be his POA. I’m thinking everyone is telling me NO. So run I probably will do.
(5)
Report
See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter