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As a preface, I have been asked by my father to consider becoming a caregiver of my grandmother, which would also mean helping out with my 58 year old uncle who has had 2 strokes and lives with her. They live in Hawaii and I live in Texas.


After a few visits to the hospital for various problems, my grandmother's mental and physical health seems to be declining. According to my father, she repeats herself often and forgets about simple things like how her door locks work. I know that she has serious paranoia about gaining weight and has issues sleeping. In addition to this, she has a history of being abusive to caregivers that my dad has tried to hire or people who knew her and offered to help on their own. She refuses any kind of professional help, including the idea of going to an assisted living facility or in-home care.


None of this information includes my uncle, who cannot move half of his body has a speech impediment, OCD, hoards, and is verbally abusive.


I feel selfish for not wanting to do this, but I also feel like this responsibility shouldn't be placed on me. I don't know what to do or even what kind of solutions to offer my dad.

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No you should not do this and in my opinion you shouldn't have been asked. Why would you just uproot your life? If she refuses help then eventually she will have to be placed somewhere and adjust. You only have to visit this site to see how many lives have nearly been destroyed. It isn't even your parent and you are not at all near. I imagine there is more to the story but in my opinion you should not feel guilty moving forward. You may today but that can pass. I assume you have a life where you are that has some value to it. It shouldn't be destroyed for your own sake.
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I agree with Riverdale! This is a big decision that can affect your life for the next five to 20 yrs if not more. Most of us didn't have a choice or we thought we can do this!

Your dad had no right to ask you or except you to take care of your grandmother and what are you to do with your uncle? It is hard enough to take care of one person, but two would be horrific on your overall health. If you want a life than say no to this.
Prehaps grandmother and uncle need to be in a facility like it or not. In life we don't always have a choice what happens to us or where we live.
You should not have to pick up your life and put it on hold, because that is what will happen.
Like Riverdale, I think there might be more to the story, but don't be quilt into doing something you don't want to do.

Good Luck
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I agree with Riverdale, I can't imagine taking this on if they lived in the next town let alone half way around the world. I think your father was selfish to even ask you, it is his responsibility to shoulder this burden and come up with a workable solution and you are not it!
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Please don’t feel guilty for saying “no”, if that’s what you decide. Your father has “asked (you) to consider” becoming a caregiver. Here are some things to also consider:

1. Can they pay enough? You will need to purchase health insurance which will be over $100 or more a month. Also, will you make enough to put money aside for your retirement? Will you be able to afford a dinner out occasionally? Or will you be asked to do this gratis or for “room and board”? Will whatever job skills you have be outdated when (and if) you ever get back into the workforce? Uncle’s not that old. He could live for decades. Not to be unkind, but Grandma is rapidly losing her right to chose. She can stamp her feet and carry on all she wants, but if you don’t make sure she’s got the care she needs, as her next of kin, you could be charged with neglect at some point.

2. Scenario: both Grandma and Uncle have anger and verbal abuse issues. At any point and perhaps often, you could be subjected to meltdowns in stereo. You try to get to one of them and you take a flyer over some pile of dirty junk and rotten food Uncle has piled up. He screams at you for being so clumsy and disrupting his “treasures”. Uncle poops himself. Then, Grandma starts. Grandma screams that she’s hungry and where is her food. She doesn’t like what you made and throws it on the floor. Then it’s time for bed, but Grandma’s not cooperating. And Uncle needs washed but can’t do it himself. Both want immediate attention. This is a very real scenario. What’s wrong with Dad? If you can be expected to bathe your uncle, for sure he can bathe his mother.

Say no, dear. Don’t let him guilt you into it unless you are REALLY desperate. Tell Dad you will be more than happy to help him find placement for both or them. Home Caregivers obviously won’t work. If he hems and haws, go your own way and let him deal with it.
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Shell38314 Oct 2018
Well said....
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I agree with all that has been said. I think your Dad needs to consider other options. He probably feels guilty putting either in a NH so is grasping at straws. You will not have a life. And not fair asking you to care for two people, one person is hard and throw in Dementia...

Your Grandmom needs to be in an AL or LTC. Her Dementia will get worse. Your Uncle same thing. They both need more care than one person can give.
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Yok SHOULD be scared and you should say no.

Your dad is not thinking clearly. These are two people with untreated mental illness. There also seem to be physical impairments but the mental impairments must be addressed as primary.

Encouage you dad to get both of his relatives seen by geriatric psychiatry. Treatment may make it possible to allow them to stay home with hired caregivers.
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You should not feel guilty and you are right, you should have never been asked.

I'm sure your dad is at his wits end because of his mother's terrible behavior. He needs to step back and look at what needs to be done to ensure the safety of these 2 people. Now here is the kicker, unless they have been declared incompetent he can not make them do anything, good side of that is he also can not be held accountable or charged with negligence, bad side is they can do whatever they want.

Sometimes the only way for change to happen is that there is a serious injury, fall, medical condition resulting in hospitalization. That is the time for everyone to step away and say, no safe place for him/her to go. Period! No family can move in, no family can take them, period! Oh don't forget to say that it is because of the abuse verbal and physical. Request a psych evaluation to address the behaviors.

Is there substance abuse in the household? I ask because your uncle is very young to be in his condition and the behaviors seem like that might be an issue. If there is, this will need to be addressed as well, cold turkey is really unacceptable and dangerous.

Is your dad in Hawaii? He needs to gets APS involved so they can intervene, g'ma obviously can't take care of uncle or herself and he is obviously unable to care for her or himself. At this point someone else, that has authority needs to access the situation and deal with the needs of g'ma and uncle. That way they are the bad guy.

This is a rotten position to be in but you should not become the caregiver for these 2 and you should not feel guilty.

Best of luck getting them the care they need.
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So my uncle is 80% self functioning. He can do most things except find words sometimes, open jars, and needs a ride sometimes (he mostly takes the bus). He's been in this state for around 15 years.

There aren't issues with substance abuse, my uncle didn't take care of his body. Sodas and pizza every day for several years.

My dad is in hawaii. He lives about 2 miles from my grandma and uncle.
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Riverdale Oct 2018
Then why would you move there? Don't you have a reason to be where you are now?
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I think it is very appropriate of you to be scared of going into this situation. It sounds like professional help -an evaluation and a care plan for your grandma is needed. Some seniors are very reluctant to accept the help they need. It is not your problem and shouldn't become your problem. I am sorry that your dad has this to deal with, but I feel strongly that you should not have been asked. Your dad will have to figure it out. Don't be coerced into it.
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With a 58 year uncle I would guess you are in your 30's?

You are rightfully scared. Do NOT do this. Is living in Hawaii enticing you to think about it? What is going on in your life that dad would even ask you to do this. Remind him that you have a life and you enjoy it. Your dad is in Hawaii, he needs to do what grandma needs for care. It may not be pleasant for him, but he has to do something about it that does not include you.

Heck! Grandma may not know you either. When is the last time you saw her?
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YurchenkoTwist Oct 2018
I saw her a few years ago. Hawaii is just where my family is. And I'm 22
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Live your life in Texas. You are building your life as you should be at this time in your life. I can't imagine being asked at your age, by your father no less, to do this very difficult job and put your life on hold.
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anonymous815183 Oct 2018
From experience I can say that Yurchenko would have NO life of her own.

By her first name, I guess there is a cultural issue in play here. Her father perhaps expects her to do this --what will turn into slavery, because she's a female. Dad needs to re-think this. Others have given lots of good feedback already.
I can only add that if the cultural factor is in play, Yurchenko needs to think of her own future and follow earlier suggestions about keeping her relations safe, and Dad will just have to pull up his knickers and get used to modern life.
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Hi. You are my daughters age. I’m a little younger than your dad. Wow. I would never in a million years ask of her what’s being asked of you. It’s just wrong. Very wrong. Don’t feel guilty. I can’t believe a parent would put this on their 22 year old child. It’s not your responsibility.
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No. Just no.
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Maybe you can work along with a caregiver. I don't know if you could just tell them she is a friend with medical experience. At this stage it sounds like they would be open for some help. That way you would have a medical person there if you needed a break, but you have to pay her with their money somehow. I guess it depends on how bad off they are. The rest sounds great being in Hawaii.
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xt1958 Oct 2018
No point being in Hawaii if you are burdened with the care of 2 broken people. This young woman should stay far away from this horrible situation and make her father handle care for his bother and mother.
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Selfish?

Okay. How about: practical?

How much is your father thinking of paying you for taking on this challenging and complex management role? And what qualifications can you bring to it?
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While rereading this thread it occurred to me that your grandmother has taken on a very difficult role as caregiver to her son, her problems could be related to physical and emotional stress - I can't help but think about the statistics about caregivers dying before the person they care for. Perhaps finding a more appropriate placement for your uncle should be the #1 priority.
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anonymous815183 Oct 2018
Good call! Going to try to remember that in the future.
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" She refuses any kind of professional help, including the idea of going to an assisted living facility or in-home care.

None of this information includes my uncle, who cannot move half of his body has a speech impediment, OCD, hoards, and is verbally abusive."

PLEASE listen to the wise advice from previous posters. Do NOT do this.

You are NOT selfish! Your father is wrong to try to put their care on you. He is putting them above you. It is obvious that you will be placing yourself into an abusive situation if you do this. People on these boards have ruined their lives doing elder caregiving.

Please stay in Texas and go on with your life. You deserve it, you are worth it, and know we are all rooting for you to keep your life.
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MelanieC Oct 2018
Great advice!
Just a little something to add...seems to me that her dad is the selfish one, unless he has medical issues himself..
It's not her turn.
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You are 22. You have been asked to uproot your fledgling life and take on the responsibility for two tragically damaged people whom you have not seen in quite some time (almost 10% of your entire life span?).

By your writing, you appear to be a bright, kind, intelligent young person.

”Selfish” at the age of 22 is part of the process of growing into maturity, like blowing too much of your salary on a great, frivolous jacket and deciding not to let a friend borrow it.

”Selfish” is NOT taking on the management of a situation that is already desperate and can quickly descend to worse.

“Caregivers” for a woman in your grandmother’s condition require firm, structured handling by trained professionals who are fairly compensated for their difficult work, offered managed respite, and have the wherewithal to ignoreand/or channel
her I appropriate social interaction.

Then add the comparable but different management of her son.

I cannot begin to imagine what has possessed your father to even suggest that you might consider taking this on, much less actually assume responsibility for it, but as a parent who has raised two wonderful children, I cannot state strongly enough that you have NO REASON to consider your desire to refuse this burden a “selfish” act, and EVERY REASON to continue YOUR progress to maturity where you are.

If your father is in the position of serving as some sort of manager or overseer of the situation in Hawaii, it is HIS responsibility to find qualified, trained, appropriate help for the household you describe.

You are not selfish or bad. Instead, by assessing the negatives in this situation and correctly observing that it exceeds your capacity to successfully undertake it, you are assuming responsibility for your own welfare, independence, and self growth.

Do not take this on. DO NOT TAKE THIS ON.
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Run away immediately. You dad should never have asked you. At 22, you should be having fun and thinking about building a life for yourself. Dad will have to find another solution.
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anonymous815183 Oct 2018
Don't even get trapped into visiting Hawaii. Stay in Texas, no matter what.
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YurchenkoTwist,
Please do NOT do this! You could end up spending way too much of your life as a caregiver. Your uncle is 58 and could live another 20 or 30 years. Who would be expected to care for him after grandma passes or becomes too ill to care for him? Right. You!!
It sounds as if your grandmother has some dementia going on. Your dad should get her diagnosed, get POA for her and his brother, and have them both placed in a facility where they could be properly cared for.
This is the time for you to enjoy your life, and shame on dad for asking you to give up your youth to care for two people who need more help than one person could even provide!!
You are NOT selfish. In fact, that you are even considering it shows what an amazing young lady you are!!
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No.
I hope I can overcome the screaming in my head long enough to answer you.
No,
You have absolutely no idea how hard this is. None of us did.
No.
Whatever the situation is now, it will get worse, by an unimaginable amount.
No.
I'm 9 years into caring for my dad with dementia and I know what I'm talking about. Everyone here does. Please believe all of us who are trying to save you from this situation and don't agree to this. Not even for a trial period because I fear no one will come to relieve you.
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YT, you are getting excellent advice! Every fiber of your being knows it's wrong and too much to ask of you. Tell your father you've considered it carefully, and it's not something you feel you are equipped to do. Do NOT let anyone make you feel guilty.
I would never ask my children to care for their grandmother, uncle, or even ME!
Who is designated as POA for your grandmother and uncle? If no one, your father needs to step in and make these decisions for a very complex situation.
I wish you the best - don't go down this road. You know it's not for you. Live your life!
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Tell you father you don't want to burn out in case some day you have to care for him.

Remember, you are the only one who ultimately makes your decisions what you do with your life. One of the biggest lessons in life is learning to not feel guilty for doing the right thing for yourself first.
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Do not feel selfish, at 22 you are just beginning to live your life. Gram has probably burnt out and her health failed due to taking care of her hoarder son, creating a faster decline than normal. HER son (your father) is the one who needs to take control of the situation, clear out the hoarding mess, lay the ground rules and either move them to an adult facility or to hire home healthcare. Not only would you be taking on gram but also your uncle, caring for one person is hard enough, but 2 at the same time is too much. Do some homework for him long distance, research facilities and companies that could help. Their local united way or senior center may be able to give you a good direction to start. Dementia is only going to get worse as time goes by. I saw my great grandmother go from a caring loving person to accusing my grandparents of stealing and hiding her money, wandering the neighborhood lost and confused in her own yard,to becoming bed ridden and silent. Do not do this, not because of selfishness but out of love so they get the care they need. Your dad needs to man up and do what is needed if he doesn't want to or can't take care of them himself instead of passing the responsibility on to you.
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You are not being selfish. You’re entitled to your Own life and go say no. Your dad is actually the one being selfish. This is his problem. He is the one who needs to step up and move his relatives to care or hire full time help. This can’t be you. Say no now or face the consequences in the future.
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caregiving is a very soul-destroying process, long term that can last over a decade and you will destroy your life since it will impair your ability to make a living. Don't do it. Trust me you will regret it and by that time your life will be so destroyed.
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StevePlace Nov 2018
Destroyed? Hitler destroyed Poland. This is more of a Nuclear Holocaust and you get to be front and center if you take the Caregiver job. Why? You’ll be next.
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Im not sure how you can do this based on your age. I’m wondering if you have a job. Surely you are working and saving for your own life and retirement someday?
Guess what...your dad is trying to manipulate you and I’m curious why he chose you and not himself
but guess what again..NO is a complete sentence. And it is within your rights to have boundaries about what you can and cannot do and guilt has no part in it. Don’t let his lack of boundaries cause you to rethink your own. Just say No, I need to work and I can’t take this on. Add "sorry" if you feel like it.
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MelanieC Oct 2018
Perfect answer!
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You are not selfish! Caregivers need to be willing and want to do this job, family or not. Your father needs to just put your grandma in a care situation along with your uncle if he isn’t willing to do it himself.
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I imagine your dad is just desperately casting about for a solution but this is not a good idea at all. Just say no. He will think of another solution.
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HVsdaughter Oct 2018
Exactly! YT, are you struggling financially and this is a solution being offered by your dad? When my younger sister was in her 20s and struggling to find a job and a career, my dad tried to get her to move in with him and my mother to keep house and help take care of my mother with severe osteo- and rheumatoid arthritis, although they had the means to employ outside help. He also suggested that she could get a part-time job at the local neurological institute since she had CNA certification (it would provide health insurance and retirement benefits). That sounded miserable not only to her but also to us her siblings! We knew our sister might need some financial assistance due to a hearing impairment, among other disabilities, but my parents were capable of supplementing her income, although she desperately wanted to be financially independent . She said NO to my dad (with my mother's blessing!) and enrolled in sign language courses and ended up working as director of a church's children's ministry resource center and then moved 3 states away to work for a Deaf children's ministry, two jobs she dearly loved and was well suited for before she passed away of cancer 11yrs ago at the age of 47. Whatever the reason for which you're feeling pressured into this situation, DON'T DO IT. Listen to the experienced voices here. It would eat your life up.
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Do not feel selfish! I had the same thing happen to me when my grandmother begged me to take care of her the day before she was to go to a nursing home. I had a job I loved, had just bought a house, a boyfriend... I would have had to give up everything to move to take care of her. I called my parents in tears asking what I should do, and they said absolutely DO NOT give up your life for her. Plus I was not trained as a nurse and am not known for having a lot of patience.

My parents said don't let us do this to you when the time comes. However, now that they are in their mid-80s this advice has been forgotten as they struggle valiantly to remain at home and not go to a nursing home/assisted living. Thankfully I have two siblings so we divide up helping out (my brother has POA for finances and pays bills, etc. and I have medical POA and monitor doctors and medication management. My sister coordinates the home health nurse.) The home health care nurse comes to their home 4 hours a day to manage what the three of us cannot with our jobs.

Every family has to patch together assistance as they are best able emotionally, physically and financially. But DO NOT sacrifice your life!
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StevePlace Nov 2018
My sister told mom I was conspiring with mom’s doctor to “put her in the nut house”. Freaked mom completely out. Enough that she ran to sister’s to stay. Mom has Stage 4 or possibly 5 dementia. Sister has no idea the hell that just moved in with her.
DONT DO IT.
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