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I’m not a fan of medication, but because you write that your mom’s personality is different than it used to be, if she isn’t already taking an antidepressant, talk to her doctor.

I would also read her current medicine information for side effects and interactions. (Once my mom was severely over medicated and it affected her personality). (Don’t attempt weaning her off medication without the advice and supervision of a doctor because many medications may need to be tapered).

After my dad passed away, my mom became so low that she needed a geriatric psychiatrist. She was prescribed a low dose of an antidepressant, but I think it was her talks with the psychiatrist that helped her the most.

This is a very tough time for her.

This is also a very tough time for you.

Take care of yourself. It may have been your mom who always helped you when you were down and now she can’t and you may feel abandoned by that person (in her) that you miss. You may even feel a little resentful that the sweet mom seems to have vanished.

Look for those good days (and hours) and try to replicate them. What made her happy?

I used to find that music was powerful in improving my Mom’s moods. The music of her youth would get her singing and smiling. Old movies might have a similar effect. Going places (even on a drive) would take her out of a funk. Activities and crafts (like pottery painting) were therapeutic. She loved playing with her dog so a new toy or treat helped also.

Breaks from your mom will help you both (and she will appreciate you more). If your mom needs 24/7 care and your sister won’t step in, hire someone, if even for a few hours a week. When you are free, don’t do errands, do something for yourself that makes you feel better.

At least your sister is communicating with your mom- that is good. My siblings stopped and they made my mom sad also.

You mentioned you have a supportive partner. That is wonderful! Focus some time and attention on the people that are getting you through these hard days. .
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I would double check if she has a uti as this can dramatically change people and also make them angry etc. Most times this has happened with my mum it has been the case. I have a similar situation in that my brother does nothing also. He talks the talk but dosent walk the walk! Its sadly inevitable though that your mother daughter relationship will change. Shes her most comfortable with you, so al her anger, pain and frustration is let out on you. Not that it's fair but its very common. All you can do is take yourself away from it. Go outside for a cup of tea or in to another room. Perhaps get a routine in place with your sister for one day a week or every 2 weeks to re charge yourself. It is not easy. We are looking at putting mum into respite for 2 weeks as I feel like i am breaking, perhaps you have that option? I hope you can take some time for yourself x
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You must practice removing your feelings from who your mom has become. Based on the past you know it’s not really her. Yes it’s hard (I’m an only child and mom has always been the sweetest...until now). It takes much prayer, some crying when you’re alone...and more prayer. God bless and keep you. Be thankful you have a helpful partner. I’m divorced now because my husband wanted all the attention but offered no help.
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People often get nasty when they get older and I don't care why. It is unacceptable and must never be tolerated. You have to check them out medically and see if drugs can help. If not, you have to set very, very firm boundaries as to what you will and will not allow. Tell them if they do not adhere to the rules, they will be removed and placed and be prepared to do that. In the meantime, if you can, get a caretaker. My feeling is when these older people impact negatively the lives of those taking care of them, that is where the line must be drawn. No one should suffer abuse.
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Hi! I just wanted to say I totally know how you feel and I’m sorry you’re going through this too. I’m caring for my grandmother 24/7, also 94 she’s bed bound from a stroke and is suffering from dementia as well it seems to get worse and worse faster. It’s a constant battle. Almost to the point where I can’t even talk to her, nothing I say helps. No matter how I come across she tries to argue or says hurtful things and if I say anything, and I mean ANYTHING, to her weather it’s reassurance or telling her she hurt my feelings she goes into a frantic hurtful rant and tells my family I’m being mean to her and talks bad about me behind my back to my brother or my dad, pretty much everyone. They know I’d never say the things she says I say but it still hurts and stresses me out and makes me so depressed. It’s so so so hard. I wish I had some answers for you but just know you’re not alone. ❤️
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sounds like yes your sister should be helping or having your back, but people with dementia doesn't matter what you say to them.......they don't have any idea. now if you get to the point of burnout.....then time to either get help with her or put into nursing home. It is only going to get worse and demand more time and care, both mentally and physically. and it might even interfere with your personal relationship. I have been in your shoes.........but fortunately our mother does not have full blown dementia but in NH due to other health issues and a recent 6 days in hospital to almost full blown kidney failure. she realized that i could no longer do anymore to help her. in your case, your mother doesn't realize and her brain is no longer functioning the way it should.........if you have POA for mental/and regular check into NH and get in touch with elder attorney.........I wish you luck.
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Oh I sure can relate. Replace sister with a brother living in a different state and it could have been me writing your concern a couple of years ago. My mother passed away last year, but I was her caregiver for a good decade. She went from a sweet loving mom to someone hard to live with. She complained about me and my kids who also lived here for awhile to help since I also worked full time. Mom complained about all of us to other family members who in turn called APS on us. The worker who came to investigate laughed at them and told them she wished more seniors had it so good, that my mom had her own room, TV, had meals cooked for her, and plenty of family there to care for her and keep her company. From mom's perspective we were invaders in her home, messing it up and changing things. I was hurt that those family members thought any of us were capable of harming her in any way. Mom passed away not long after all of my kids moved away and I was her only caregiver, still working full time. I think she got more lonely after they left. She started talking a lot about heaven and stopped eating, sleeping a lot. I was devastated by her death, but friends have helped by reminding me I did my job. It sure wasn't easy and with no support from those family members who continue to judge me and my adult kids, who were such a great help to me. If you can find any family willing to step in and help to give you respite it helps so much. I also took time for me a couple of times a week outside of home, and that helped too. Good luck and try to remember your mom will be gone someday. Enjoy what you can from her while you can. My mom used to like to talk about her childhood and I'm glad I have those stories now.
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