Tired of being tired. How do I handle this?

Oh I sure can relate. Replace sister with a brother living in a different state and it could have been me writing your concern a couple of years ago. My mother passed away last year, but I was her caregiver for a good decade. She went from a sweet loving mom to someone hard to live with. She complained about me and my kids who also lived here for awhile to help since I also worked full time. Mom complained about all of us to other family members who in turn called APS on us. The worker who came to investigate laughed at them and told them she wished more seniors had it so good, that my mom had her own room, TV, had meals cooked for her, and plenty of family there to care for her and keep her company. From mom's perspective we were invaders in her home, messing it up and changing things. I was hurt that those family members thought any of us were capable of harming her in any way. Mom passed away not long after all of my kids moved away and I was her only caregiver, still working full time. I think she got more lonely after they left. She started talking a lot about heaven and stopped eating, sleeping a lot. I was devastated by her death, but friends have helped by reminding me I did my job. It sure wasn't easy and with no support from those family members who continue to judge me and my adult kids, who were such a great help to me. If you can find any family willing to step in and help to give you respite it helps so much. I also took time for me a couple of times a week outside of home, and that helped too. Good luck and try to remember your mom will be gone someday. Enjoy what you can from her while you can. My mom used to like to talk about her childhood and I'm glad I have those stories now.

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sounds like yes your sister should be helping or having your back, but people with dementia doesn't matter what you say to them.......they don't have any idea. now if you get to the point of burnout.....then time to either get help with her or put into nursing home. It is only going to get worse and demand more time and care, both mentally and physically. and it might even interfere with your personal relationship. I have been in your shoes.........but fortunately our mother does not have full blown dementia but in NH due to other health issues and a recent 6 days in hospital to almost full blown kidney failure. she realized that i could no longer do anymore to help her. in your case, your mother doesn't realize and her brain is no longer functioning the way it should.........if you have POA for mental/and regular check into NH and get in touch with elder attorney.........I wish you luck.

Hi! I just wanted to say I totally know how you feel and I’m sorry you’re going through this too. I’m caring for my grandmother 24/7, also 94 she’s bed bound from a stroke and is suffering from dementia as well it seems to get worse and worse faster. It’s a constant battle. Almost to the point where I can’t even talk to her, nothing I say helps. No matter how I come across she tries to argue or says hurtful things and if I say anything, and I mean ANYTHING, to her weather it’s reassurance or telling her she hurt my feelings she goes into a frantic hurtful rant and tells my family I’m being mean to her and talks bad about me behind my back to my brother or my dad, pretty much everyone. They know I’d never say the things she says I say but it still hurts and stresses me out and makes me so depressed. It’s so so so hard. I wish I had some answers for you but just know you’re not alone. ❤️

People often get nasty when they get older and I don't care why. It is unacceptable and must never be tolerated. You have to check them out medically and see if drugs can help. If not, you have to set very, very firm boundaries as to what you will and will not allow. Tell them if they do not adhere to the rules, they will be removed and placed and be prepared to do that. In the meantime, if you can, get a caretaker. My feeling is when these older people impact negatively the lives of those taking care of them, that is where the line must be drawn. No one should suffer abuse.

You must practice removing your feelings from who your mom has become. Based on the past you know it’s not really her. Yes it’s hard (I’m an only child and mom has always been the sweetest...until now). It takes much prayer, some crying when you’re alone...and more prayer. God bless and keep you. Be thankful you have a helpful partner. I’m divorced now because my husband wanted all the attention but offered no help.

I would double check if she has a uti as this can dramatically change people and also make them angry etc. Most times this has happened with my mum it has been the case. I have a similar situation in that my brother does nothing also. He talks the talk but dosent walk the walk! Its sadly inevitable though that your mother daughter relationship will change. Shes her most comfortable with you, so al her anger, pain and frustration is let out on you. Not that it's fair but its very common. All you can do is take yourself away from it. Go outside for a cup of tea or in to another room. Perhaps get a routine in place with your sister for one day a week or every 2 weeks to re charge yourself. It is not easy. We are looking at putting mum into respite for 2 weeks as I feel like i am breaking, perhaps you have that option? I hope you can take some time for yourself x

I’m not a fan of medication, but because you write that your mom’s personality is different than it used to be, if she isn’t already taking an antidepressant, talk to her doctor.

I would also read her current medicine information for side effects and interactions. (Once my mom was severely over medicated and it affected her personality). (Don’t attempt weaning her off medication without the advice and supervision of a doctor because many medications may need to be tapered).

After my dad passed away, my mom became so low that she needed a geriatric psychiatrist. She was prescribed a low dose of an antidepressant, but I think it was her talks with the psychiatrist that helped her the most.

This is a very tough time for her.

This is also a very tough time for you.

Take care of yourself. It may have been your mom who always helped you when you were down and now she can’t and you may feel abandoned by that person (in her) that you miss. You may even feel a little resentful that the sweet mom seems to have vanished.

Look for those good days (and hours) and try to replicate them. What made her happy?

I used to find that music was powerful in improving my Mom’s moods. The music of her youth would get her singing and smiling. Old movies might have a similar effect. Going places (even on a drive) would take her out of a funk. Activities and crafts (like pottery painting) were therapeutic. She loved playing with her dog so a new toy or treat helped also.

Breaks from your mom will help you both (and she will appreciate you more). If your mom needs 24/7 care and your sister won’t step in, hire someone, if even for a few hours a week. When you are free, don’t do errands, do something for yourself that makes you feel better.

At least your sister is communicating with your mom- that is good. My siblings stopped and they made my mom sad also.

You mentioned you have a supportive partner. That is wonderful! Focus some time and attention on the people that are getting you through these hard days. .

thank you all for this thread
I read them everyday...you guys are what makes me not jump off a bridge...wow, other people feeling and fighting the same thing, what is better than that? A support group.
how many times I want to bang my head or his ...how many times I cry in a towel or whatever is near. How many times I wish I could change his life.
threw away my life in Connecticut to come to Midwest to help brother with Parkinson’s. That was 17 years ago... thought I’d be long gone by now, but still here, with him living with me and is 24/7 care.
He’s not grateful for anything, which is my biggest thing...find something every time you wake up to be thankful for. He resents, regrets, blames, and is a narcissist, and a typical Polish male from the 50’s.
he never stops to think that I changed my life to help him, can’t contribute as much anymore to SS, can’t even get any any kind of job because he is my focus. I owned my own biz, and before that worked for a huge department store like Macy’s.
He always likes to remind me that ‘it is my job’, that’s what women do.
ok, enough, just want to thank
it’s not the work that it takes every day, it’s the attitude towards life that drains me. Let’s not even get to the sibling who does nothing gives nothing.
so thank you ‘disgusted too’ for your posting, right on target
love to you all
this ain’t no disco....
christine

I agree with all the advice posted. Some mentioned something extremely important. YOU need to care for YOU. We all feel some sense of obligation for our ill loved ones or make the best of the situation and help where we can.

But the problem lies with we neglect ourselves. Find someone you trust to take care of her for an afternoon or evening. Do something YOU want to do (alone or with your partner/friends). Read a good book. Workout. Go outside and breathe the fresh air. Have a spa date(get a couple’s package. Hint hint hint :) ). But whatever you do do it for YOU. Because as we all know (and don’t like to admit) is if we can’t take care of ourselves and meet our needs than how can we care for others?

Bottom line? Nurture your mind and body but also FILL YOUR SOUL WITH LOVE!!!!. And don’t forget you are worth it.

Best of Luck! :)
~ Mares

Am in the same situation that you are in. I can feel your hurt. You should very clearly say to your sister that its her turn to look after mum, and give your self a complete break from your mum and sister. Do not go over to visit or call up to find out whats happening because if you do either you will not be able to stop getting involved again. Easier said than done - but this is the only way to keep your sanity. If not soon you will loose your head and say or do something in frustration or anger and your sister and mother will blame you for everything real and imagined, completely forgetting how much you have sacrificed and done - and you will be left wondering where you went wrong. I wish I could rewrite the past.

Thank you for all of your experience and input. It helps to hear/read and know others are managing and have managed. My mother has been living with me for over 1 year originally because of falling out with her sister (whom she lived with) and my aunt's respective and unsavory family, then COVID. As others have noted, my mother's declining memory has contributed to her constant blaming and responding to everything with "No" as well as pushing back on all things good for her. We have home-aides, however, she is no easier with them.

Imho, you require respite through any means possible, else you fall ill and are good to no one.

Personalities can change with dementia. People can be accusatory, selfish, even violent. Don't take anything she says personally. Her mind is not right. You have to accept your mother for what she is now. You also have to accept your sister. Not everyone can dedicate their lives to an aging parent. She's not the same person she was. If she seems stressed, mention this to her doctor. Her doctor may have medications that can calm her. You've taken on a lot (and your partner). If her condition gets worse, will you still be able to handle it? What are you able to take on? Get connected with local senior groups who can support and advise you and your mother. Make sure all of her paperwork is in order and that she has assigned power of attorney to you or someone, and you know her medical directives and know how she wants to live if she is in a postition where she can't care for herself at all. Financial organizations often have their own POA forms, and you also have to be set up with Medicare and Social Security so that you can speake with them on her behalf.

Being the primary and/or only care-giver is tiring. Putting up with negative feedback is also tiring. Think of it like a toddler crossed with a belligerent teen! Either one can be VERY tiring, especially when it becomes all day every day! Very often I was able to deflect teen angst with humor. We all need to be able to laugh at times, so perhaps you can learn to laugh off some of her barbs. I once told my angry preteen that she probably hates me and wishes I'd dry up and blow away. She was horrified and told me no, she thought I was nice! Long story short, I ended up saying if I am accused of being the Wicked Mother of the East, then I would at least act like one! Explaining helped in her case.

Although it doesn't take any of it away, at the very least it is sometimes helpful to know you aren't alone.

* Many are either only children or have absent siblings.
* Often the absent siblings can make matters worse.
* Dementia does odd things to people, often changing their personality.
* Very often the dementia nasties are directed AT the caregiver.

None of these are rational, but dementia isn't known for being rational!

Feeling anger towards absent siblings is debilitating for YOU. It does nothing to change the situation or make them more responsive. You can't change your mother's behavior and you can't make your sibling help, but you can work towards more acceptance and try to lose the anger. It does help. I had to work my way through that, as I have 2 brothers who were mostly absent, but also unsupportive and sometimes downright nasty (physically and emotionally.) THEY were more of the problem than my mother was!

"I am blamed for everything."

Common. The best method is to laugh it off and agree. You know what you do for her and what dementia says/does is irrelevant.

"She talks smack about me behind my back to my sister."

Also very common. Again, you know the truth and that it's all made up. At the least, have you talked with your sister about it? Is she believing the crap she is told or does she just dismiss it? You likely won't be able to stop mom from saying these things, but if sister is at least supportive and not buying what she is told, then you try to let it all go. If your sister does believe it all and isn't supportive, keep contact with her to a bare minimum, but still know that what YOU are doing is good and right!

"I also resent my sister for not sticking up for me & for not being more involved with the care of my mom. She could easily share the responsibility, but won't."

Unfortunately, as noted above, the lack of support from siblings is common. It doesn't make it any better knowing that, but if you can realize 1) you can't change this and 2) your anger and resentment only hurts you, perhaps you can work on letting this go.

As for her "sticking up for" you, there really isn't a whole lot she can do. Dementia builds its own life and memories and can't be argued with, reasoned with or stopped. Sometimes it can be redirected, giving some temporary respite from the onslaught. Think of it as the Terminator. It has a one track mind and nothing will deter it. The difference is that weapons won't stop it, but her words are not going to physically destroy you, unless you let them.

"If I stand up for myself & say something like “ you hurt my feelings when you talk about me like that” she will go into hysterics & say I am causing her to feel ill or will lock her door & then blame it all on me to my sister."

This is proof of the statement I made about being unable to reason with or argue with dementia. It's all set in concrete, so trying to reason or argue is only going to backfire and potentially make you feel worse. We have to understand none of what is said is true and try to let it roll off, or laugh it off, agree with her and try to change the subject, redirect onto something more pleasant (not always possible.)

The rest of my response will be to your additional comment made Apr 21.

I know how you feel, I am going through this same thing as well. The only difference is your mother WAS sweet, my mother wasn't as negative about me as this, but she still was and this makes me only think this is how she really is and how she feels and is just more of the same.. So you are in a little bit better boat then I. All I know is,,,this makes me so angry to read because I know how you feel and it is just plain not right. I can't offer advice, but I can identify with you.

I am in a situation of helping to take care of my dad... he was not always very nice to me so sadly, in some ways it makes it easier as the change is not there.
I think you should respect what your mum would want.. not the person you are taking care of now, but your sweet loving mum. I am guessing she would tell you that she doesn't want this for you and to find her a good place to go. I have a sister like you and I have come to terms with the fact this will all be on me with our parents, it i just easier. But yes, you know what your mum would want for you.. Don't feel guilt, feel pride for being there for her when others wouldn't and save yourself.

You will get the complaints and the "blame" for things just b/c you are the one there. You are doing all the good things to take care of her, but when she feels ill or disoriented or in pain, you are the person in sight while she is feeling that way so she may associate you with her discomfort even though you are not causing it. What is she "blaming" you for?
When she is negative, maybe you can say things like, "Yes this is a bad day," or "You are angry that Dad isn't here to take care of you . . " whatever is relevant to her complaint.

Adjust your thinking from what "was" to what "is." As you have noticed, your mom has memory issues and in her forgetting she makes up stories to "fill in the blanks". That is why you, the person who primarily cares for her, is blamed since you are the one interacting with her.

Reality. Your mom is having serious problems with dementia and anxiety. Please get her evaluated by her physician. Do not be surprised if the doctor makes referral to a neurologist (for dementia evaluation and treatment) and/or a geriatric psychiatrist (for anxiety evaluation and treatment). Expect that your mom will be placed on new medication. Expect anti-anxiety medication to make her a little sleepier.

Reality. Your tiredness is a sign of burn out. You need more people helping with caregiving. Ask family, friends, members of faith community, and paid help to pitch in so you get some time off - and away from mom. Use your time off to meet your own health care needs and your "soul" needs (doing things you enjoy with people you value).

Reality. If medication and more help do not change your situation, it may be time for mom to move into a facility for professional care. Coming to this place of understanding is not an admission of weakness on your part. It is understanding that she needs round the clock care (something 1 person can not possible do). Eventually, most people with advancing dementia reach this stage.

Bless you for doing what you've done for as long as you've done it!!! Now (as other's have said)...it's time to look for an alternate living arrangement for mom. My mom is 91 now and her mind went years ago - she wanted me to quit working and move in with me - I already knew from our previous history that her idea simply would not work - under any circumstances. Her personality has changed, she dislikes everyone (that's been a constant for years)...and I could go on - but what's the point. I support her from a distance and it's best for all parties. My mother can be so judgmental, critical and unkind to everyone around her - including me - and then she wonders why people don't like her -...

Please, please, please start searching for a place for mom - get her moved out of your home or you from hers as soon as possible. It's not too late to save yourself...and certainly not too late for mom - her nastiness won't change one way or the other based on your decision. She will cope with it and so will your sister.

She doesn't know what she is saying due to dementia. Respond with ok. Is she on the right medication to keep her calm. Give her tasks to keep her busy. Fold towels napkins. Have her put silverware in right places

Until you find a permanent solution ask your sister to come in for an afternoon to allow you to take care of your personal needs. I like what was said about keeping a photo of her in her "happy" life. I am looking for pictures I can frame that show a smiley face or the words smile. I am doing this for myself so I don't get wrapped up in so much negativity.

The advice I've read - go for a doctor's visit. No doubt there is some medication, with fewer side effects - that can help immensely. As our days continue, I trust that I will remember all this good advice so I'll be able to handle those difficult encounters.

Take care of yourself and get some help and spend time with your significant other. Letting this be all consuming - won't help. Sending you hugs and support.

when her personality changed, she was not your mother. This is the dementia and try to distance your self emotionally from her words. I use sarcasm, "ohh having a bad day? " responses to get me through . Seek counseling or some books on the verbal abuse and how not to own it and break yourself down.
Anything to get her care from others or in a place herself. She has medical issues and you are not capable of addressing her needs, do not feel guilt about that. I appreciate all you did and your heart to do it.

Sounds like you’re on the right track. Getting someone to help in the home first might really be the way to go for you. My father has many mobility and incontinence issues, and ended up needing memory care. We tried having him in my home, but he was very difficult for everyone - not just me. He did independent living for a while, but was falling too much, so we had to move him. Assisted Living has its pros and cons. You’ll still find yourself very busy with her even if you go this route. I think the nice thing about the assisted-living is that you don’t have to be a caretaker in the same fashion that you are right now. The negative is due to Covid. Most places are still restricting visits, and it’s very stressful to have them be so isolated and without contact from loved ones. Another suggestion, watch Teepa Snow videos. She is the guru of dementia care. I’ve learned more from watching a few of her videos than I ever did from any dementia books I read. Good luck, I hope you can get mom and yourself the help you need!

Sounds like she sent into a deep depression when she lost her life's partner. Has she had a stroke, strokes , dementia,and depression does. Make them mean. You can put her into NH, or assisted living.you can also hire home care to come in and help with bathing dressing her they can even take to app.. this will give you rest.

Dear Ms American Pi - - The Day The Music Died has LONG PASSED, hasn't it ???

YOU did everything you could so far, honorably, to fulfill what you felt were your loving obligations.

YOU will not get any help or agreement from your mother or your sister. It is what it is. Please enlist the help of your "very supportive partner" to find a facility where you can place your mom and GET HER OUT OF "YOUR" HOME.

Once your mom is placed, there will still be plenty for YOU to do, as her advocate and overseer, if SHE either "lets" you do it, or doesn't kick up a fuss. Memory Care places are usually quite astute about unjustified complaints by dementia patients however, once outside your home, if she goes off the deep end and continually complains bitterly, facilities are mandated reporters, and they may have to take action that could cause your mom to become a ward of the state.

So, after your mom is not in your home, if she doesn't settle in, and she still has enough of her brain wits about her, you can try to explain this to her in order to encourage her to stop, and "try" to explain the eventual consequences. It's usually a slippery downhill slope once they get into Memory Care, and you can only hope that she begins to forget her meanness and bitterness when she's not face-to-face with you and her living situation every day.

If you and your partner end up being the only supportive visitors she has, and without the daily grind of caretaker tension, she could even come around to looking forward to seeing you.

So, dont let Don's words come true:

"Oh, and there we were
All in one place
A generation lost in space
With no time left to start again"

Instead, maybe your sister will hear you through this (MY other Don favorite):

Now, I understand,
What you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen,
They did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now

Now, I think I know what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they're not listening still
Perhaps they never will

(...smiles...)

I keep 2 old pictures of my Mom, (when my mom was my mom), on my dresser that I look at before readying her for the day...this is a reminder to me of who I’m really caring for.
My Mom no longer recognizes me as her daughter but as her caregiver. I no longer hurt by this reminding myself that my mom is NOT a well person. Separate the 2 moms, the real mom is gone, otherwise you will hurt yourself emotionally & she will drain the life force right out of you if you let her and she won’t think twice about it they’re that selfish & self centered!
What would hurt is if your sister believed the things your Mom tells her about you.
It is hard to separate the old mom from the now mom but try because believe you me it does get worse!
My Mom also lives with me in my home & has for 4 yrs now. I don’t have a partner that helps or is there for support. That’s a major plus!

I felt the same way when my mother with Alzheimers moved in with me. None of us are qualified to handle someone with mental illness, but yet, here we all are struggling for the sake of family. Things do change. Over the past 6 months, I have seen my mother go through several stages, some good, some bad. Once I got her meds right, her anxiety got much better and she became more bearable. She is on Antidepressants and Trazadone 3 times a day. Trazadone is used for sleep, but I give it to her during the day to keep her calm. Another thing I've learned is that drugs can work differently on dementia patients. The drugs my mother takes would put me right to sleep. But, not her! I also got outside help. I have an aid come 8 hours a day every day. Medicaid pays for it. Your mother may not be mean forever. Pray for change. I received changes and blessings that I never even imagined. Take deep breaths when she is mean. Try to redirect her attention to something else, like a tv show, food, etc. Get counseling for yourself. You need someone outside the family to talk to. My deepest sympathy for your situation.

In addition to looking for facility options, PLEASE get your mom seen by a geriatric psychiatrist.

Your mother sounds very unhappy and possibly depressed and anxious. There are meds that can help with that.

Why would you allow someone that treats you like that to live in your home?

Sounds like it's time for her to move.