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I was an accidental baby and I was never allowed to forget that when I was growing up. My 2 older sisters got all kinds of attention, caring, toys and clothes that I did not get. I left home within a few months of turning 18 and never went back. Nevertheless, when I was in my '60's and Mom started needing help and my sisters were overwhelmed I started thinking about it. I knew that the deep mother-daughter relationship that some have would not develop. (I think that if you don't have that by the age of about 12, it just isn't going to happen.) Mom has nothing worth inheriting, so financial gain was of no concern.


Ultimately, my husband and I sold our beach-side property in Delaware and moved to the farming community where Mom and my sisters live. We agreed that each of us would do only what we could do and that Mom would be able to stay at her home only as long as she could manage most of her affairs. We all draw different lines, but we have them. Sometimes there is some tension because I do less than the others do, but mostly it has been a good experience.


What did I gain? I have formed a kind of friendship with my Mom that I didn't have before. I have learned a lot about her life that explains--but does not excuse--her neglect of me in childhood. The fact is that I don't do a whole lot of work in the sense of cleaning or cooking, nor do I take her to doctor appointments (I am not on her HIPPA list and have no right to know about her medical conditions). What I did pre-COVID was take her to lunch or take lunch to her once or twice each week, take her to run errands, pick up her prescriptions, take her to the art store so she could buy felt-tip pens for her coloring books and look around at what else was there, and similar things. My only goal was to have a little fun with her. We both really enjoyed those little trips. We did, in fact, have fun together. My sisters took care of the other things at her home, I took care of shopping trips and going for drives to see the spring/summer/fall color or to look at waterfalls or lakes. We do not have the same bond she has with my older sisters, but we have developed a rather comfortable friendship. She has apologized for depriving me of some opportunities in childhood. That did not feel as good as I always thought it would. It turned out to make little difference. That was so long ago and this woman with whom I am now friends is not that woman of my childhood. Now, with COVID, I take her little things when I can, call her on the phone. I do not go into her home because I am not in her bubble but she enjoys getting little treats that I leave at her door. I move back 10 or 15 feet and we both keep our masks on and talk for a few minutes before I leave. We both look forward to getting the vaccine so we can go back to taking rides together and going for lunch.


This would not have worked if I had tried to do more than I felt that I could do for her. Sticking to a role that felt comfortable with has made an important difference. I wouldn't say that my childhood wounds have all healed, but they have been put in the past where they belong.


Another benefit of moving back into my home state has been getting reacquainted with my sisters. We were never really estranged, but I have formed much deeper understanding and friendships with my sisters. We sisters will grow old together and we share more than we used to think we shared. Among other things, we have talked about childhood events and learned how differently we experienced them. I do miss my home on the East coast, but I think that I have gained enough to make it worthwhile.


I wanted to share this and hear from others who are caring for mothers who did not care for them. What have you learned or gained from the experience? I have found that setting strict limits on my participation in her care made some measure of healing possible. Have you found similar things? Has your experience been different?

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Well, I truly understand ... that "what did you ever do for me" pain.
It is so very, very hard to not have those thoughts as front and center; every time my mother guilts and expects me to be at her beckon call; and every time that I answer that call.
I have been trying to distance myself.. I begged my sister (spoiled) for help (no way).
Yet, creating distance or saying 'no' causes me such guilt.
The more I try to not listen to her tirades about: how I am stupid, my own children hate me, I am a terrible mother, everyone wants me to disappear, why don't I go and just kill myself and put the world out of misery, I am a liar, thief, abuser, etc. etc. etc.
It goes on and on.
As a child, I was beaten almost daily.. for no reason. It was my mother's way of alleviating 'stress'. I still have permanent scars on my body from her abuse.
Yet, I was still trying to get her love - always want her to love me (and not hurt me) just a little bit.
She ends her tirades with; "you know I love you, but you are a fu*@Ing b***h", etc. etc.
I have been criticized all my life; was beaten as a child; ran away 6 times before I was 10. Yet, here we are; trying to care for the same woman who hated and still hates me!!!
So, yes, I get the pain. I don't have answers. I just wanted you to know that you are NOT alone.
I hope that we, women, can find some love, somewhere.
I have been trying my whole life. I would never intentionally hurt another human being because we know the cost of the destruction of our souls by their un-erasable damage.
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I would like to thank each of you that responded to this post. By sharing your heartfelt stories of life, we can each learn from others and so many thoughts and ideas that could be tried if we only open our hearts to forgive those who need it and to try, with our firm boundaries in place, to mend the injuries we have sustained in our childhoods. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t, but we have at least tried. Many blessings and much love to each one of you. I have enjoyed reading this whole thread more than once and doing some soul-searching of my own. Liz
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Hi There, I cared for my Mom for the 10 years after my Father died. I arranged her custodial care, supervised her medical care, transported her to medical appointments, did all her laundry, bills and took care of her home until it was sold after her death. I was not the first name on the POA, but I was the constant presence. My Mom and I did not get on and she essentially threw me out of the family home at age 18. I relied on a number of people who came into my life that kept me from making foolish mistakes. My college grades were less than I could have achieved due to working essentially full time and trying to manage my life. I took loans to pay for and to live at college. In time my Mom told me that she appreciated all that I did for her. She told me that she did not want me involved initially because she was afraid that I would do to her what she did to me. As I assumed the demands of what life normally provides, she became the woman that most other folks knew her to be, although it was never my reality. My Mom is long gone but I have no regrets and am grateful that we had those years to come to an understanding. My Mom had 4 children within 6 years and a limited education and income. She always wanted the best for us but she had a harsh manner. I am not close to my sibs as my Mom tended to pit us against each other and I was always the odd one out. As I look at my 70 year old self, I see how my Mom and I are very physically similar. It has left me wondering if she was unhappy with herself and since I looked like her, I was the recipient of that dislike. In any case, I am glad I made sure she was well cared for in her last decade and that I was able to lift some of life's stressors. I have one daughter who I raised totally differently than I was raised. I would lay down my life for my daughter and her two sons.
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LIttleOrchid - It's such a nice change to hear a story with a good ending. Very happy for you, Lesson learned: have good boundaries and keep them firmly in place.
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I’m happy for you. My mother left when I was little. Which left a deep scar that will probably never be healed. Even though she was abusive, it still left me with separation issues. (Abusive in the sense of putting my dog down for no other reason than she didn’t want it anymore. Hiding food and not feeding my sister and I, sleeping all day so that we had to get ourselves up and ready and walked to school ourselves).

I haven’t seen much of her since, although she did fight for joint custody because she said it made herself feel better (& yes I had to wait till I was 18 to get my license because she needed to co-sign and I couldn’t find her, also had difficulty leaving the country to go with extended family on vacation when I was young because I needed her permission). I’ve known for years she clearly has mental issues but she also told us she never wanted us. She never wanted children, yet she had 3... No mother Instincts what so ever. I’m completely different than her, thank God. My sister checks in on her now that she’s older and is her POA. My sister was out of house when my mother left, so technically she doesn’t have abandonment issues which makes it a little easier. She did ask me to send her toilet paper last year when stores were running out. I managed to do so, but I sent it through the mail so I wouldn’t have to see her. 😊

My mother-n-law was given away when she was little. Yet she managed to go back to her parents many years later and take care of them in their home till they passed. I admire her for doing so but I don’t think I could ever do it. Not sure how she did
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LittleOrchid Jan 2021
What a difficult time you had. It can hardly be called a childhood. I am glad to hear that you give yourself the right to not see your mother. At some point you may be able to face that, but it is perfectly alright if you choose to keep yourself to yourself. You must do whatever you can to keep yourself whole and improving. I wrote this post because I was interested in what others have faced and how they are finding their recovery in adulthood.

I think you handled the issue with the toilet paper very well. It is in small compromises like this where we can inch forward in our relationships. You took care of her needs, but put your own needs first in solving the problem. I salute you.

One of my tricks in dealing with Mom has been to take her out. This gives her a break from home (she was always a bit of a gad-about) which also relieved my sisters of running errands. On the other hand, I spent very little time in her house. Too many years of "as long as you are in my house..." has made me twitchy about being in her house for more than a few minutes. By taking Mom out in MY car, that somehow makes me the adult, the caretaker. We need to use all the tricks we can come up with to preserve our hard-earned dignity and self-respect.

I don't understand your mother-in-law either. I wish I could hear from her. It would be nice to know if she managed to become the adult in the home of her parents or if she submitted to self-sacrifice. I hope the former. It would be nice to know, perhaps she had some insight that would help us.

Take care of yourself and be proud of becoming your own person in spite of all you had to overcome. You didn't give up. That is a big thing.
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Littleorchid, WOW just WOW!! What a heart ❤️ Felt story. Thank you for telling your story. It will help so many people including myself. My mother was 96 when she passed away on Oct 31, 2020. We had a good relationship up until she turned 90. That’s when things turned bad between us. She always wanted me at her beck and call and always threaten me to get me to do something for her.

If you don’t do such and such for me, then I won’t come over to your house anymore, etc.

I finally had to back off seeing her as much. She lived in her house by herself, was a gambling addict, and a severe hoarder. She refused anybody’s help. She was competent in the eyes of the law and medical professionals. She wouldn’t bathe or wash her hair or change her clothes. She refused to let me help her.

It got to the point I only went to see her once a week and my son went over twice a week to bring in the mail and take out the garbags.

She suffered a stroke, I was at the hospital with her. I don’t even think she knew who I was but she reached up and I bent down and gave her a kiss, she kissed me back.

A couple days later she was in a coma and i told her how much I loved her and my brother came too. We stayed with her till she passed away a little after midnight on October 31.
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LittleOrchid Jan 2021
Thank you for your response. It is so sad that your mother changed as she did. My grandfather had a similar change in personality when he was in his 90's. In his case he had a heart attack and died but was revived. They should have let him go, there was some damage that was undiagnosed which turned a loving, kind man into a mean angry man who cussed at everyone. It wasn't really Grandpa.

You definitely did the right thing in caring for yourself first. It was good of you to take one day a week to check on her, and I am happy for you that you were able to have an appropriate goodbye to the mother you knew. I am sorry for your losses, first to the mother you loved, then to the person she became. I hope your final goodbye brings you peace.
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Hello LittleOrchid,
What a heart felt story and so beautiful. I am so sorry you had such a difficult childhood and reading your post made me cry. I am happy you and your mother made amends and you moved on. You seem like such a strong and loving person. I do not know if I could do what you do if it was reversed. I am fortunate to have such a great mother all my life and I thank God for her. I tell my mother all the time thank you for being a wonderful and caring mom. I feel sad for others that did not have a good upbringing. I think the caregivers on this site are extraordinary people who really do care for their parents and make sure they are well taken care of in a facility or at home. I am sure it is not an easy task. I always say caregiving is difficult even in the best of circumstances. I hope you can get back to those special trips with your mom.
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LittleOrchid Jan 2021
Thank you for your kind words. I, too, hope that by summer I can take Mom for drives again. One of the last times I was with her before COVID we picked up some takeout and drove to a park at the top of a hill. We ate our lunch looking at the valley below, listening to a radio station that features music of the '40's. It was a good day.

It is not the same thing to drop things off at her house and talk to each other for a minute or two from 15 feet away. I think one of the good things about going to a park or some other beautiful space is that we can be silent and enjoy what is around us. The fact that we are sharing a beautiful experience makes us both happier.

I think some people get so distracted by the physical aspects of care-giving that they lose sight of the healing that can come from simply sharing a beautiful place. I often think that one benefit of putting the elderly in residential care is that their family can then concentrate on the emotional well-being of the elders. I think peace and beauty rank higher priorities than physical niceties once the basics are taken care of. Unfortunately, the basics can take a lot of effort from a child who is 60 or 70. Most of us could use more sisters.
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One more thing I want to throw in (along with my first post) which I hope is helpful.  As I grew up, I do remember being asked along the way whether I was raised in an alcoholic home because I had all of the signs/symptoms of someone who had been.    This stopped me in my tracks.  I had never seen my mother drink - ever.   And she spoke with contempt of those who did drink.  I never saw my father drink routinely, but more like a shot of whiskey if he had a cold or something.  I do remember him taking me to the liquor store as a small child and mandating me to not tell my grandmother about it.   Odd.  However, just because I basically never *saw* them drink...  obviously doesn't mean they weren't.   I started looking into the issues that adult children of alcoholics end up having and it shocked me.  I had a book on the subject and could never finish it because it was all so real and hard to hear.    I should probably revisit it at some point, but I always seem to have too much on my plate as it is - being super responsible and judging oneself harshly are two of the signs & I'm always overwhelmed and deathly fearful of dropping the ball on even the smallest of things.    Self care goes by the wayside almost all the time.  I'm just mentioning this because it did give me a new angle on the situation I was raised in.    I'm still going to deny they are drinkers, but I think some of the dynamics somehow played out the same.    I can remember way back feeling like I had to protect my parents when they should have been protecting ME and basically were not.   Just another perspective that could add yet another layer to the thoughts and emotions brought forth in a caregiving situation.  I am grateful that someone pointed this out to me.    (I'm trying to remember exactly who it was - teacher, guidance counselor, someone like that who would have had qualifications to make such as assessment).
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LittleOrchid Jan 2021
That is an interesting point. Even if they were not secret drinkers, they somehow communicated to you that they needed your care.

One of the things my Mom has done in the last 2 years is edit her father's diaries and added memories of her own. My sisters helped her edit the texts and I edited the photo pages, fixing up the old photos as much as I could. One sister took the pages to a printer and had copies made of all the children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Some of the events Mom describes in the memoir surprised me a lot and helped me to understand some of Mom's reserve and semi-buried hostilities. It doesn't change much, but it helps to understand some of the why's.

I can understand why you have some difficulty plunging into your parents' secrets. It is a difficult thing to question the details of your childhood and have to readjust to all the past drama. I think that if you allow yourself to relax about it and put it off for a while longer you will be able to think about it more easily. It took me about 30 years of caring for myself before I could even think about re-evaluating my relationship with my mother.

I think that sometimes taking care of yourself is letting yourself NOT be to eager to push into the why's and the details. You may ultimately find those answers. You may decide that they don't matter anymore. Give yourself the space to do what you need and I am sure that you will carefully find your way. Good luck. These tender issues do take a long time to unravel in a way that heals instead of tearing us up even more.
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Setting strict limits/boundaries was necessary for me. It was still stressful, but doable. Mother cared for me in a physical sense but she was verbally and emotionally abusive. I had to back off all my life for self preservation. You are fortunate in that you are able to bond with your sisters. My sister is like our mother so I have cut contact.

I am 83 and mother passed only a couple of years ago aged 106 I was her POA financial and medical, and am her executrix since she died. I did it all from a distance. Therapy has been a godsend. I have gone off and on all my adult life. I don't know if full healing will ever happen.
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LittleOrchid Jan 2021
Wow. You really had some tough times. Congratulations on making the decisions to keep yourself safe.

You are right that my sisters have been real angels in my life. Like parents, siblings can be a blessing or a curse. It is a good thing that you had the strength to do what you needed to do.

I agree that therapy can be wonderful. I, too, have needed multiple courses of therapy. I definitely have a brighter life because of the insights and changes inspired by the therapy sessions.

Your answer is one that I sort of expected when I wrote my post. When an adult who was an uncared-for child is expected to care for the un-caring parent there really is no right answer or wrong answer. The adult must do whatever she/he can do to salvage themselves. If they can also give some level of care to their parent, that is a plus. I hope that others who read this will know that if they must make the choices you made that they are not alone.

I don't know if those of us who were deeply damaged as small children will ever have complete healing. I am thrilled to have a measure of peace and a new beginning with a family that is what I wish it could have been when I was a child. To those who grew up in happy families it may seem small. To me it is huge.

I do hope that you will find peace. Perhaps you will also find friends that will mean much more to your peace and contentment. Thank you for sharing.
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I was born when my mum was 15.....my grand parents bought me up until I was 5...mum was always jealous of any attention I had,either from relatives,or men as I grew into a young woman.our arguments when I was a teenager were ferocious...I left at 17 to start a career in nursing. I have a break now from working on the frontline, and mum has come back from Australia where my 2 younger sisters live. She now lives with us .
Mum was there in first lockdown and was very difficult,mum likes to dress up and go shopping and socialise... something she couldn't do in lockdown there ,and now here in the UK with very severe restrictions
...she turns 80 this year and fluctuates from really sweet to emotional bashing me.....
I did used to bite back,that I remember from my youth....her joy seems to be humiliating me in front of my husband which is very sad.
Im a calm , measured person like my dad who passed years ago,so this constant poking me for an argument makes me feel that maybe that's what she had with my dad, constant sparring..she was very spoilt by him....it annoys her that I don't the the bait as often as she wants.
Living with her has been mostly ok, I take her out with our dog daily,and take her to see seasonal changes in the car...
but it's becoming more difficult and absolutely more demanding. Is this covid isolation or something deeper.
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LittleOrchid Jan 2021
I am sooo familiar with the routine of humiliation before others. That was standard fare when I was young, probably part of the reason why I chose to leave the state at one point. It takes a long time to get over that.

I hope you can find a way to disarm this and other abuses. After years of non-engagement I found the strength to repudiate the malicious comments and leave. It took a couple of years, but Mom finally learned that I would no longer participate in her disparagement by passively accepting it.

One thing that I found that might help you was to respond in calm, unemotional tones immediately followed by threat of consequences. For instance, at a luncheon with her friends she started making up an "entertaining" false story about how I supposedly had let the dog clean up my 2 year old boys and the floor after their lunch. I responded, "That is not true, Mom. I took very good care of my kids and my house. If you are going to make things up like this perhaps I shouldn't bring you to these lunches with your friends. I think it is time we left." I then did not call her or speak to her for the rest of the week. The next time I took her to lunch it was just the 2 of us. I brought up the episode at the previous lunch and told her that she had hurt me and that I could not live with that kind of treatment. It was a rather short lunch, but very polite.

As I said, it took two or three years of this to cut the incidents to nearly nothing. She had always treated me as the butt of bad "jokes" so it was a difficult habit for her to break. One of my conditions in moving and helping care for Mom was that I would allow no abuse and would stop seeing her at all if she couldn't change.

At the end of our trial summer I saw significant improvement. The luncheons with her friends were very important to her and after this incident she never made up things about me to entertain her friends again. 2 of my sisters hated those luncheons and wouldn't take her to them and I actually liked her friends and could enjoy talking to them, but only if I were not subjected to poor treatment. Mom was old, no longer able to drive, but not stupid. She learned to speak of other things.

I guess that at some level she knew that stubborn runs strong in our family and that I would stand on what I said. That trial summer was 2013 and we are still working on family peace, but we have all learned some restraint. The pleasant times now predominate, but I wouldn't ever think of seeing Mom more than twice in one week. I think that too much time together would be too likely to bring back old habits.

Try to find times to just be with yourself. Do things that you like to do, things that make you happy. The COVID isolation is hard on everyone. I can't imagine being cooped up with my mom 7 days a week.

Does she have others that she can talk to on Zoom or FaceTime? Seeing the faces of others while talking is so much better than just talking. If you have a friend or relative who can use a cell phone to take a tour of their gardens or a park, it may help your Mom to feel less confined. Even moving the cell phone around the dining room or living room to show your Mom the seasonal decor would help her. A trick that my sisters use more than I do is to bring out old photograph albums and encourage Mom to talk about good times in the past. It takes the focus off the miserable present. It sometimes even works to rent a movie online that was filmed in the '50's to bring back the memories of those good years in her life. One sister gets the movie started then goes into the kitchen to "make tea." Mom watches the movie and the sister warms the water on medium and looks out the window in blissful silence.

You are in a difficult place. Protect yourself as well as you can. Remember that as much as you try to do what you can for your mother, she is the one who will choose to find the way to take pleasure in something.
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My mother was not my protector when I was abused by a family member. She kept in communication with the person until said person's demise. My first marriage ended as a direct result of the abuse and yet, my mother stood by and did nothing. Because of it, it was difficult when I had to move in with her to be her caregiver.
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My mother always had issues with me.  Of course, she can't be bothered to attempt to work through those so that we could have a relationship.  She would hold it over me that she wasn't even going to explain her actions/words.  That I was simply so awful that I should not have to be TOLD what it is about me that needed to change.    Sometimes, if I walked into a room and sat down, she would get up and go to a different room without saying a word.  I would beg her to tell me what I did wrong.  It was kind of like a carrot - like maybe if I'm good, she will talk to me nicely today.   I never really knew what I was doing wrong or why I was so "bad" and such an embarrassment to her.  In my younger days, I'd insist that she tell me why she was so upset and what did I ever do?  Then, once I was all riled up, she would point the finger at me that I was yelling at her and how awful I was.   I would never win, so I don't argue with her anymore.  She would like me to, because it's really her only way to make me the bad guy.   She criticizes up one side and down the other.  When I was 9 mos pregnant (and still working right up to my due date), she criticized my hair as I was leaving for work.   She will never approve of anything.  Constant ridicule, but she says she's "just funnin"  with me.  Typical line of an abuser.  She's got friends whose kids really are kind of "bad" but she really doesn't appreciate that I didn't bring her that kind of grief.  To date, I have not had to provide care to her.   I cringe at the thought of doing so.  Like Mary states, I cannot stand the thought of her touching me or of me touching her - even for a moment such as getting into a vehicle or handing her something.   I do not have that problem with others - just her (and my father as well).  My home environment was so toxic and my sister (who now lives a full day's drive away) was the perfect golden child and my parents did the divide and conquer between my sister and I to the point where my sister and I really don't have each other's backs - even in our old age.     My mom told me once that she felt like a failure when she looked at me.  Meanwhile, my "perfect" sister was doing all kinds of bad things that I'd never dream of.  My parents either overlooked it or never found out.    I truly have no idea what the future holds in terms of their aging and care needs.  I must say, however, they are not openly expecting anything from me.  I think that's a good start.  I'd be very limited in what I can emotionally/physically do for either of them.  I admire those who can come to terms with some of it. 
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LittleOrchid Jan 2021
There are a couple of things in your story that ring so true to my own experience. One, of course, is the idea that someone can say something deeply hurtful and excuse it as a "joke." Bullies use this con a lot. Nobody should let it stand. Nobody. Like the attempted rape in "Thelma and Louise" where the rescuer says something like "when a woman cries like that there is nothing funny." That is not the line, my mind has changed it. I am really enraged by the teachers, community leaders and family members that accept this nonsense and blame the victim for "not being able to take a joke." It's more than past time that we all stood up to this nonsense and refuse to passively let it go.

The other too familiar thing is the notion that the "golden" sister is so great. They never seem to be perfect to anyone but their adoring parents. When I started to talk to my older sisters about how our family life was not as good as it seemed to some it took a while for them to admit that they didn't really get the support they needed either. They were left trying to live up to the unreal standards imposed on them.

I think a good thing for you would be to make a list of limits and be sure your sister and mother both know them You seem to have several that are the same as some of mine: the no touching means that there will be no intimate care, personal hygiene must be within Mom's limits or she goes into residential care; No bad-mouthing--if I am not worthy of your attention, you are not worthy of mine; no cohabiting, when Mom can't manage her home and her personal affairs she goes into residential care.

For what may be the first time, you are in the driver's seat in your relationship with your mother. I think you will be fine if you define what is unacceptable, refuse what you cannot provide, then wait to see what happens.

I wish you luck. Perhaps you can get your sister on board at some point. One of the key parts of sharing the Mom-care for us was agreeing to not allow Mom to talk bad about us behind our backs. If you can't get her to agree and follow through, your choices are much more limited. Whatever you do, please stick to your limits. I firmly believe that perpetuating the abuse by putting up with does harm to both you and your Mom. Never let anyone guilt-trip you into doing anything that you can't do and keep your self-respect. If your mom and sister can't accept your limits that is their fault, not yours.

By the way, I also identify with the mystery of why the mistreatment. I wasted a lot of time in my first 10 years trying to figure out what I needed to do so my mother would love me. That still hurts when I think of it. I tried so hard and nothing was ever good enough. The best thing in my life was when I decided to quit trying and just do what was best for me. When I have had doubts in the last 7 years of caring for Mom--even on the limited basis I have chosen--the memory of those tormented years puts steel in my spine.

I asked the question at the top to see how others cope with their childhood demons relating to their parents, I am sure each of us has a slightly different answer. You seem to be able to make your decisions and stick with them. Trust yourself, I am sure you will make wise decisions.
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My mother did not care for me. She was emotionally abusive. When you grow up with the knowledge that you are ugly so you will just have to try to develop a good personality. When you are close to drowning and your mother just laughs and walks away. When you go hungry because there is only enough food for the men and boys in your family, or you are told over and over that no one loves you except her. Then she does something extremely hurtful, it leaves scars. After I grew up I couldn't stand for her to touch me and I could not touch her. I promised my dad before he died in 1974 that I would take care of her, I meant it. I tried having her live with me which helped break up my marriage. I finally ran away from home.

You asked what did I do.... I spent about 6 years in therapy. The best thing I did for myself. Towards the end before she died in 2004, I was finally able to touch her. I still wasn't able to let her touch me. Because of the therapy I was able to find out why she did a lot of things she did and also let her know how I felt. These conversations coupled with my therapy helped me understand that she just did not have it in her to care about me. Like someone born blind. My brother was the golden child and he was loved, even by me.

I felt nothing for her when she died. Her last words to me were scolding ones. That figures.
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LittleOrchid Jan 2021
Thank you for sharing. Therapy can be such a godsend. I, too, spent years in therapy. Several times. Each therapist helped me through some aspect of my past. I would be fine for a while, then something new would crop up. My guess is that you only thought that you were ugly because she said so, not because you actually were.

It is sad that she was so incapable of loving, she lost a lot in refusing her daughter's love. I hope you have found a good life for yourself and have found many things that you can love. I find that it is easier for me to be passionate about my home, my gardens, and similar things that to trust too much in the people around me. I do find great solace when I can find friends like my 2nd husband, my children, and a few others. Nevertheless, deep friendships are difficult for me. There is simply too much trust involved.

It is sad that your mother was so nasty, but at least you saved yourself from her poisonous tongue. I hope your own old age will be much happier and filled with loving thoughts. I hope you will find people you can love and trust.
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What a testimony of who you are! Thank you for sharing! This was inspirational! May God bless you and your family.
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LO,

If we had more people with your outlook, the world would be a better place.

You certainly had bumps in the road, as we all have, but you were able to find your way over those bumps without resentment or hatred. I find that so refreshing!

You do seem to have a strong support system, which definitely helps.

I am very happy to see an outcome such as yours. No doubt, you bring hope and joy to those near you. You are gracious and kind. I sense that you have found peace in your heart and soul.

Keep inspiring others.

I will never have what you have in your family due to my own individual circumstances and I have accepted it.

I so enjoy reading about those who can successfully achieve a healthy balance in their lives. It brings a smile to my face.
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What a nice story you’ve told, you are a very patient & understanding daughter... sounds like limits are are the best strategy for your situation. I have a similar situation where I was growing up as the black sheep/scapegoat to a “mother” who always pushed me away for reasons I still don’t understand.... please do some research about the coming vaccine before you submit to it- They are saying that it will not change the “rules” about masks , distancing, transmission, etc...I worked in oncology nursing for 10 years & the medical community is split over this issue due to allegiance to pharmaceutical companies. I also am skeptical of the safety of this shot since it is affecting RNA in your body- (seasonal flu shots don’t contain RNA). Be wary. Dr Shiva, Dr Battar & many others have videos explaining the real dangers, especially to the over 65 population & the recovery rates are still over 98%.. but the regular news channels will never tell you this it’s up to us all to get to the truth. Best of luck to you & your family!
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disgustedtoo Jan 2021
Total US population is roughly 328.2 Million
2% of the total is 6,564,000.
Who wants to be one of those more than 6.5 Million who don't recover?

Go to real sources of scientific information, if you're going to spread it. The CDC has a nice page on mRNA vaccines:

https://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/covid-19/hcp/mrna-vaccine-basics.html
An excerpt from that page:

"mRNA can most easily be described as instructions for the cell on how to make a piece of the “spike protein” that is unique to SARS-CoV-2. Since only part of the protein is made, it does not do any harm to the person vaccinated but it is antigenic. (*my addition - antigenic means it is an antigen which the body doesn't recognize, so it makes antibodies to combat it.)
After the piece of the spike protein is made, the cell breaks down the mRNA strand and disposes of them using enzymes in the cell. It is important to note that the mRNA strand never enters the cell’s nucleus or affects genetic material. This information helps counter misinformation about how mRNA vaccines alter or modify someone’s genetic makeup."

NOTE it says it does not alter or modify YOUR genetic makeup.
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This is a nice story. I am glad this has worked out for you as it has. I have some similarities in family history. Except my parent is needing care due to severe alzheimers. So there is no chance of connection with them now.
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LittleOrchid Jan 2021
You are probably right. Mom is not quite what she was 30 years ago mentally. She mostly is present and thinks logically with no signs of Alzheimers. She does have some problems with both long and short term memories. She frequently confuses the participants and locations of incidents in the 1950's and '60's. Even in the confusion, though, there are times when I think that she may be reforming her "memories" of those times to ones she may wish had happened rather than what actually happened. To be sure, those changes certainly make HER look better in her recreations, but it is nice to think that she would like to believe that she had treated my younger sister and me better than she did.

With the Alzheimers, your mom will continue to move away from you and any true memories and any connections that were true at that time.

I have gradually become convinced that more families are dysfunctional in some way than could be considered truly well-functioning. Sometimes the only way forward is to accept that there is no relationship to embrace. If there is no possibility of redeeming the damaged relationship it is a good decision to abandon it. Then you become your own parent of sorts, giving yourself what you need. Had my trial 3 months of living within 20 miles of my mother had shown no promise I would have happily returned to my Atlantic home and lived there with no regrets at all about leaving my childhood beyond.

I hope you find peace and satisfaction in embracing the life that you have made for yourself. You will be a much better parent to yourself than your parents were.
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Just goes to show that it's never too late. I'm glad you were able to reconnect with her on some level. No, it doesn't erase the past, but it did help you understand hers. She won't leave this earth with you never having some answers and her being able to have some sort of relationship.
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This is a beautiful story! I'm so happy for you that you have made peace with your mother and sisters and with your own feelings and feel that the time with them has been worthwhile. To spend happy time with our parents as they age is also important.
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Thank you for sharing your story. That was very inspirational and I hope it will encourage people to look at their own lives and perhaps take a step out and be able to place good boundaries that will enable them to help care for elderly parents who have not been kind or been there for them. My experience was not with my own parents but my in-laws. I have been married for 33 years and for the first 20+ I tried different things to be accepted answer approved of and valued by them. Even though I became the family planner and organizer for every get together and every gift, I realized I could never do enough or do it well enough to win their approval. They were also openly critical and would make unkind remarks to me and to my children. I got to the point that I dreaded being around them, sure that they would say/do hurtful things. When I had been married about 10 years and had young children a wonderful woman who was mentoring me gave me wonderful and timely advice. She said to lay down all my past hurts at the feet of Jesus-just to consciously put them down, and choose to forgive them because dredging them back up would never satisfy. When people are hurtful, thoughtless etc, they don’t remember the incident the way you do, because it didn’t bring them pain-but it did to you and it made an imprint on your soul. When it happens repeatedly it is like it picks the scab off the wound. She encouraged me just to lay them down, cover those wounds so they could heal but to GO FORWARD with good boundaries and with courage to deal with them in the moment when they happened again. She said right when they made a thoughtless or hurtful comment to look them in the eye and say “why would you say that? that is very unkind/hurtful” and let them own it. So I did. It rewired how we interacted with each other-they were a lot more careful with their words. Unfortunately it did nothing to help with a close relationship or wanting appreciation or validation. The last straw for me was in 2011 after I planned a 50th wedding anniversary party for them at their church 3 hrs away. It was a LOT of work and coordination. They made a bog deal to “thank their church” for all the effort to do that for them. 🤦🏼‍♀️🙇🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️ I was like “OK, I’m done. From now on they are YOUR PARENTS. You do all the gifting, even ting and etc and I’ll just show up, nod and smile. The following year after a health crisis they moved back to the area where we live. because it is NOT my husband or BIL’s gifting/ability to do the organizing, etc. I did all the behind the scenes work for their care. I found them senior living apartments in their budget, and then IL apartments, and finally AL and MC. I organized all their moves, all their care. BUT they never knew it. My husband and BIL told them it was all them, and that way it wasn’t fought against/pushed back. And I was OK with that. I wasn’t doing it FOR THEM, I was doing it for my husband and BIL. There was so much freedom in letting go of the need to please my inlaws and to get any sort of appreciation from them. I was able to use my strengths to benefit my husband and make his load lighter and care for them as a by-product.
BOTH of my inlaws passed away in the past 6 weeks-my FIL first on 12/16 and my MIL a week ago today. My husband and I talked about it and neither of us have any regrets in their care or that we could/should have done differently. If I had not had boundaries for the past 10 years and changed my focus I could have come to resent HIM and all the time/effort caring for them took. Instead I looked at it as honoring and caring for HIM.
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NobodyGetsIt Jan 2021
Dear "DILKimba,"

You handled your in-laws with maturity and from that you made wise decisions as well as heeding the advice from the woman who mentored you by laying your hurt and pain at the foot of the cross. Also, it was mature of you to let them think your husband and BIL were doing everything even though it was you working behind the scenes!

Because of that, the past 10 years you were able to see it as honoring and caring for your husband. It was a win-win for his parents, your marriage (and your BIL) and now that they are both gone, you've been able to look at it with no regrets. That will go a long way when it comes to processing your grief.

Well done and good advice to those who haven't come to that point yet.
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A parent is measured by caring and nurturing, not procreation. You are not under any circumstances obligated to take care of her; we all must use our own conscience to guide us through life and the decisions we make. I do not know how I would feel if I were forced to fend for myself the way you did, but I would most likely embrace the life I forged for myself and forget the rest. My mom always loved and cared for me all my life so when she developed Alzheimer's I absolutely centered my entire life on her for years and years that I never put her in a nursing home.

Mom was an insulin-dependent diabetic with kidney and liver diseases doctors were surprised she lived to be 90, and I never had to give her any psychotropics or narcotics because she always felt loved and secure with me taking care of her. She was on hospice for 2 years but I used them to renew her routine meds, and diaper supplies and ointments. I battled her Alzheimer's for 15 years, and ironically it was not Alzheimer's that killed her--it was her failing kidneys and liver due to years and years and years being dependent on insulin. Still, mom died very comfortably, and she was content even with advanced Alzheimer's. In the end I had to get a feeding tube because I did not want mom to die of dehydration. I could not bear to watch her die like that for weeks. So the feeding tube kept her comfortable and well nourished and hydrated. Controlling her sugars was easy but that feeding tube sure took a LOT of work to keep clean and patent. I never regretted it. I kept mom moving as long as I could she was only bedridden for 2-1/2 months but her Alzheimer's was so severe I had to keep her on a bowel schedule (Lactulose did great!) every Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays. Just like clockwork. I changed her diapers about 5-6 times a day. She had perfect skin to the end. LACTULOSE is ideal for kidney patients. Never give magnesium or phosphate based laxatives for kidney patients because they cannot get rid of those electrolytes. Lactulose is osmotic based laxative -- it's an indigestible sugar so it goes to the bowel and accumulates water making evacuation safe and effective. Sugarless candies are similar to lactulose, which is why they can cause diarrhea due to the osmotic effect on the bowels.

That was the seed mom sown when I was born--she loved me every single day-- and I cared for her back. The saying goes you reap what you sow.

So I do not know how I would feel in your situation. You are a much better person than I could ever be.
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This was a lovely story to hear! I am so happy you have been able to find some balance and make some connections. Thank you for this!

I will never have a nice lunch or drive with my mother. And I’m at peace with that. I “case manage” her affairs but have no contact. The past and ongoing negativity and abuse is too much.

I guess that even with my own strict minimal participation in my mother’s affairs, I have had a lot of healing because I learned that the past will never change, and I haven’t let it impact my present. I used to wonder “why” all the time, wanting some profound answer, but I have learned that doesn’t exist! I am doing the right thing in insuring she is safe and has proper care despite everything. I have also learned that what other people think of my choices doesn’t matter. And I have learned that saying no is the best medicine.

Once again thank you for sharing your story!
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LittleOrchid Jan 2021
I am so glad that you found a solution that works for you. So many of the details of the childhood pain are so important in figuring out what relationship can happen 50 or 60 years later. I think that the deeper the pain was, the less likely it is that it can be set aside.

I think that you were wise to move on from "why" to what is. The why is seldom profound. I found that some of the reasons that Mom was the way she was were disappointingly simple. It was much easier to meet her on basis of the present and put the past where it belonged.

I think that you made the right choice for you and that is the most important thing. Enjoy your peace, you deserve it.
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I love this glimpse into your relationship. My childhood was different but similar in the wounds. The never looked back statement yes, true. The difference is my only sister closet to my took her life, the husband died suddenly and here she came. There are many friendship moments I too drew some lines. For the most part, the past is in the past. She is living in AL after several falls and surgeries. We have a lingering distrust we try to get past, but it rears its head occasionally. Thank you for sharing your story. My part of her care is essential caregiver two hours a day but it has taken months. I feel guilty she’s had to go to AL, but I knew I would not been the best for her. She resents me for being there but doesn’t want to live with me anyway. Painful but real.
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LittleOrchid Jan 2021
I hope you can get past those feelings of guilt. The fault is not yours. AL sounds like exactly the right choice for your mother. If you had taken her into your home you would probably deeply hate each other. I hope you can let yourself pull back if that 2 hours every day becomes too much.

Knowing your limits and sticking to them is essential in caring for others. I have insisted that I spend no more that 2 days with Mom each week, and on those 2 days it is usually something between 2 and 4 hours, depending on what we do and how we feel. On the days when Mom didn't feel up to going anywhere I used to take her lunch. We would visit for a bit, I would clean up the lunch things and leave. That was usually just an hour or so, but it was enough for both of us.

I am lucky to have sisters who do much of the caregiving so that I was never confronted with the awesome task of trying to manage everything. "Helping" someone else can be so much easier because any little thing that can be done eases the total job. I can't be sure what I would have done if I had not had sisters to take on the majority of the work, but I sort of think I might have been overwhelmed and not taken on any of it. I have great respect for those who do take on the role of primary caregiver.
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You cannot change the past. Let it go and do what you believe to be right. You do not have to give up your life for your mom just make sure her needs are met and she has good care. Remember you can only control yourself and your reactions to situations. Live with no regrets. Try to find something in her you can respect and understand.
I too had and still have a emotionally distant relationship with my mother. She will not change at this point.
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As long as the abuse has stopped then, your situation will meet your goal of having pleasant time with her. Typically the abusive parent(s) continue their abuse often through deliberately ignoring the scapegoat, selective silent treatments, whispered insults and slandering you behind your back, which continually re-traumatizes original abuse victims/targets. Usually healing is difficult, since abusive parents only continue to target their scapegoat and the scapegoats children through out their lifetime. With that in mind, it sounds like you have psychologically grounded yourself by "giving only what you feel capable of giving," which means you won't be too surprised if the situation into a passive agressive abusive dynamic.

Cautiously, enjoy this kinder perspective and keep enjoying those little trips. Having fun together will show you that your mother has always been capable of being civil towards you, but instead she deliberately decided to abuse you and not your siblings during your lifetime. Your present-day "having fun together," likely matches the kinder childhood experiences of your siblings.

Be cautious, with understanding that, she still has that directed selective abuse within her. From a clinical perspective don't be surprised if she's complaining to your siblings about you, behind your back, since that's the modus operandi of that type of (neglecting/ignoring) passively abusive personality.

Props to you, because your approach and perspective is brilliantly insightful b/c, (as you wrote), "it has enforced needed boundaries, in a situation where limiting your participation in her care is needed for some measure of healing." Boundaries, as you understand are incredibly important again, Good on you for giving only what you feel capable of giving, on your terms.
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AT1234 Jan 2021
That is exactly what my mom does. She spins a poor pitiful me story to others. Most of the time it blind sides me, but I’m getting better at protecting myself.
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Many can take some good pointers from OP's post. The past is the past, we can't change what was. We can only deal with what IS.

Re-engaging with mother and sister's seems to have had a positive impact on the OP. No expectations of a grand welcome and forgiveness for what was. Just take what IS day to day. Being able to bring a little joy into the mother's life can bring joy to one's own life. Relish the "little" things and let the other things go.

You are a wonderful inspiration to others. Hopefully there are many who can take your lessons to heart and forge forward with their own "journeys."
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Screennamed Jan 2021
disgustedtoo,
Many abusive dynamics continue throughout adulthood, in ways undetectable to the victim, which keeps, the past in the present perpetually.
As an example, many manipulative abusive parents will interfere with their adult-children's lives, deliberately causing divorces, job losses, evictions, etc.

Which means that the PAST isn't always in the PAST. Hopefully assumptions that a person is stuck in the past, can be more cognizant of unknowns.

The OP, has presented a brilliant approach that has involved a serious level of detachment and research, which is a great inspiration, that is a great recipe for situations that are 100% disengaged.
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I find your story very heartwarming. Thanks for sharing it.

I admire your outlook in this situation.

I am curious to know more if you don’t mind sharing.

You say that you moved away at 18 and never looked back. Good for you! I like your independent spirit.

How did you find out about your mom’s needs? Did you maintain contact from afar?

What was your relationship like with your father?

You seem very stable and confident. Did that come from your dad? You don’t mention him.

I can’t imagine that your confidence stems from your mom or sisters. Did you figure it out on your own?

I think it is wonderful that you hold no bitterness in your heart.

I love that you aren’t trying to fulfill a childhood dream. You are a realist in every way.

I also love that you listened to your mom’s story of her life, as an adult.

Very often as adults we are able to comprehend things that were far beyond our reach as children.

I love that you are open to having a relationship with them without depending on them for your self worth.

You seem to have a strong sense of who you are.

You are the exact type of person that I would enjoy sharing a cup of coffee with or perhaps a glass of wine.

If you wrote a book I would be first in line to buy it. Do you write or journal?

Outlooks such as yours are rare these days, very rare.

I sense a calmness in your words, a person with peace in your heart and I would love to know how you achieved this after experiencing deep pain in your childhood.

You are an inspiration and I feel that you could teach many of us quite a few lessons.

You have truly expressed to us that in some situations lemonade can be made out of lemons.

I see genuine caring in your words.

You chose this reconnection with your family.

You didn’t have to be involved in their lives and no one would judge you for checking out completely.

You are loving and forgiving and don’t waste time dwelling on the past.

It is impossible to excuse everything and hand out free passes to everyone, clearly you don’t hold grudges, nor do I. Nor are you looking for perfection. There is no utopia.

Anyway, I really enjoyed reading your posting.

Take care and may you always live with the peace in your heart that you seem to have.
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LittleOrchid Jan 2021
Thank you for your response. My relationship to my father was quite distant. He, too, saw my existence as a threat to the family he was struggling to support. He was a good man, but I was not within his vision of what he expected. I was a bright, curious child who never wanted to do anything wrong, but ended up doing things that turned out to be wrong. I was a trial to them.

The biggest change in my life came in my early teen years when I finally accepted the fact that my parents were not the people who could help me in my life. Recently the school district had made arrangements for special tutoring for me to accommodate my interests in math, but my mother refused to allow it. If my older sisters did not get it, I couldn't either. I quit trying to please and engage them and started looking out for myself and my own best interests. I found out what I needed to get scholarships and started working toward them in the 8th grade. I took part in the sports that interested me without asking for any input from my parents. The family doctor gave me the sports "physical" gratis and I forged the necessary papers for the school. In truth my parents didn't care if I stayed at school until 5pm every day and didn't care if I was doing track or debate club.

We did not have open hostilities. It was more a matter of all of us ignoring each other much of the time. In a way that was very good because the relationships could morph into different things.

At 17 an entirely unsuitable man asked me to marry him. I said yes. We married when I was 18, then divorced a decade later. I made my way through college and grad school with scholarships, grants, loans, work study. I was always self-supporting. I did maintain contact with my family. In fact, I always took my 2 kids to their Grandma's house for Christmas. I thought there was no reason why my distance from my mother should deprive either my sons of their grandparents nor my parents of their grandchildren. Having spent a lifetime with no closeness, no nurturing, no love, I wanted my children to know that they were surrounded by love and wanted by all their family. They never knew how distant the relationship was between my parents and me. In fact, once I was no longer part of their household, I think they thought more of me than they ever had when I was living with them.

A year after my divorce I moved East to pursue a Ph.D. program. My children went with me. I sent them to my mother's every year for Christmas and for a month during summer break. We exchanged letters and I called my sisters several times each year. I had a close budget, so I had to severely limit phone calls. During the 30+ years in which we saw little of each other, old tensions eased. Each of my sisters came to visit me at least once in the time I lived in the East. Gradually old tensions eased, though we weren't really close.

It wasn't until we were older and my 2nd husband I I were semi-retired in our beach house that Mom started to have a few difficulties. At first I just ignored the conversational bits from my older sister who was the only care-giver. My husband and I talked about the advantages of moving to the small town in Oregon where we now live--climate, lower cost of living, etc. When we decided to make the move my sisters went out of their way to ease the transition and helped in many ways.

I was always clear on the limited ways I would help in taking care of Mom. My sisters were ok with my limits, because it still took some of the load off their hands.

I wrote this post in the hopes that others might see that even a small effort, given without grudges about the past, and in hope, might give some nice rewards. I think it is key that caregivers give only what they feel capable of giving. Only in that way can both the aging parent and the adult child enjoy a relationship that is based on the present, not on the failures in the past. There is hope for peace.
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Not all dysfunctional stories have the happy endings like yours has. I'm happy for you, that you were able to figure out what would work for you in this situation. You set your boundaries early on, and didn't veer from them. You also didn't have any false expectations as to how this was all going to play out. I'm sure that's what made the difference.

I want to end with this quote from Rick Warren's book, The Purpose Driven Life. In it he says, "You are not an accident. Your birth was no mistake or mishap, and your life is no fluke of nature. Your parents may not have planned you, but God did. He was not at all surprised by your birth. In fact, He expected it. You are alive, because God wanted to create you!"

I hope you will always remember that, and take comfort in knowing that the most High God chose you for such a time as this. May God continue to heal and bless you.
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I would love to see your "question" go to discussions, where things seem to live forever. It is such a great experience. I would say a whole lot of the outcome is due to your exceptional willingness to act for someone who had not been good with your own life situation. Your willingness to accept your place in a family and to see the positives. Really appreciated reading this, as I am often the first to tell someone that I would not spare a pea out of my own life for a parent who had not been there for me, as a good and kind parent. You did this, and your outcome was good for yourself, for your growth, for your spirit.
Thanks for writing this. I think your experience is great for others to see and weigh.
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LittleOrchid Jan 2021
Thanks for your input. I think that the biggest mistakes that we, as humans, tend to make is to focus on our hurt and to see things only from our own perspective. It is so easy to blame parents for their mistakes--all of us make so many! However, a long-ago friend, also estranged from her family once told me that she had come to realize that parents are people who can't help it if they don't like the child who is unlike them. I had never thought of that before. She had begun seeing her mother after a 20 year hiatus, not expecting much to change, but to accept their differences. It worked as much as one could hope for. Since then I have had a much easier time accepting that part of the reason my parents didn't like me was that my instincts, curiosity, and approach to life simply wasn't within their frame of reference.

I certainly agree with you that adult children owe their parents nothing, especially when nothing was given to them. My own children have viewed their stepdad as their real dad and the other as "bio-dad". When their bio-dad asked them for money when he retired with no savings I told them "add up all the money he gave you for college, double it, and send him that every month." Silence. Then "but Mom, he never sent us anything." Precisely. That is what was owed.

When they were growing up I required them to send bio-dad a card for Christmas and one for his birthday. Had he responded in a friendly way there was a path to establish a real relationship. He never bothered. The boys (identical twins) continue a rather formal relationship with bio-dad, but give him no money and do not invite him to their home. There simply is nothing there. I was very careful to give them the space to develop a relationship with bio-dad, but they seemed to see it as a lost cause. After all, they enjoyed very close relationships with their extended family on my side, and our home was open and loving when they were growing up.

It is their bio-dad's loss that he did not form a relationship with his sons. It is both my loss and my mother's loss that we did not share a loving relationship for the first 65 years of my life. However, it is well worth putting in some effort to have a new relationship in our late years.

To be fair, I must admit that we did a "trial run" of sorts. A year before we sold our house we rented it for the summer and went to Oregon to live in a small apartment for 3 months to see what it might be like living near my family after so long apart. We didn't just sell our house and move blindly. Everything pointed to a good change. One brother-in-law played golf with my husband, another took him fishing and crabbing. We had some family potlucks, and took a couple of camping trips together. I did what I continued to do after the move: I took my mother to lunch every week, took her to her swimming class, and took her shopping and sight-seeing. It was a very good summer. I could see that it could work.

I would like to think that others might like to try something like this. My sisters are very different from me, and so are their husbands. In some ways we have a lot of shared history, in other ways we were almost strangers when we started this change. In some ways the unexpected has happened, I feel as though I really am part of a large, extended family. It is not the same as if we had grown up that way, but it still counts.
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