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My mom is only 76 years old and has dementia. I have been taking care of her for about 2 years now with no help from my siblings. I have been contemplating placing her in the home due to the fact that I myself have health issues and it's starting to complicate my marriage. I also have a 14 year old daughter. My 28 year old son moved in to help out but him and my Mom constantly butt heads because she hated him telling her what to do (even though he's right). I asked a question as to whether I should put her in a nursing home a few weeks back and got the process started but now she begs me not to do it. I hate having to do it but I know I'm not capable of taking care of her any longer. I have an autoimmune disease which mimics arthritis and I am in constant pain on a daily basis. this makes it extremely hard to be there for her and still be there for the rest of my household as well. I'm so torn and confused.

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Stay the course! You know you can no longer give her the care she requires...the responsible thing, the loving thing, is to place her in a facility that can meet her and your needs.
It is neither selfish nor unloving to admit someone is beyond your capacity to help. It is an act of love to get her the help she needs.
As many others have said before me, placing her in a home will not end all of your responsibilities, just those that you can no longer physically do.
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You WILL be hurt and torn and so will Mom. Not everything can be made nice. Not everything can be fixed. You have your own concerns, a marriage and a teenager; you plate is full.
You will grieve over this, but you are doing the best you can; be honest with your Mother that this is what you must do for your own family and yourself, and that you will be there to help her and visit with her as much as you are able.
You are going to have to accept reality as it is. We are human beings, not Saints. Were we Saints someone would already have filled us with arrows, killed us, and begun to pray to us to fix everything for everyone for eternity.
You owe this to yourself and to your husband and your child. I am sorry, but THEY COME FIRST. You owe to your Mom the love you bear her and as much protection as you can manage.
Don't expect not to mourn this. Only evil people don't feel the emotional pain of others. Let your Mom express her feelings. What she is going through is the long slow slide of loss after loss after loss. She has a right to mourn, as do you. But you do not have a right to sacrifice yourself, and worse, your family.
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You’re in a position where there are no good solutions so you must pick from the best of your choices. You know what’s going on now isn’t working, so it must change. Find the best place you can for your mother, don’t discuss it with her anymore, it’s upsetting to her and she’s not able to understand, and let her know about the move on the day it’s happening. Find a way to mover her things without her watching the process, have family help with both moving and distracting her with an activity. Assure her of your love and continued care. After she’s moved, you’ll still be her caregiver as her advocate in her new setting, this is a very important role.
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