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I very much dislike visiting a parent in memory care. I visit mainly just to check in how they are being looked after and their physical health looks well, room looks nice and they are well dressed and to be seen by the staff.


My parents partner is in full health and visits a lot as well as there are other family members who visit.


I'm at a struggle as to what to do during this time when I visit because of the advanced stage of Alzheimer's. The parent has lost their verbal capabilities and cannot really speak in a sensical way. Im not sure that they really understand anything I say either. They have a very limited attention span so you cant really watch tv with them or sit with them as they will get up and start wandering within a couple of minutes. I used to bring food but I dont do that anymore as when you give it to them the parent drops it everywhere or takes a bit and then throws it away or just drops it on the ground and forgets about it. I can't really play any type of basic game with them as they have no mental capacity for it, I sometimes show them through picture books and make comments. But this gets a bit taxing and they also stop paying attention and walk off.


Bear in mind I have never had a good relationship with my parent and my childhood was messed up. So not a normal situation where I have a lot of motivation. So don't just try compare this to your usual cared for child and parent situation.


Are there any ideas as to making the visits more enjoyable for the both of us? My visits are reducing in frequency more and more as it is so unpleasant and I am also very busy.

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I think a lot of folks have a hard time visiting their LO in memory care, especially once they become nonverbal. I think it's still nice that you at least want to check on them to make sure that they're being well taken care of. That shows that even if you didn't have the best of relationships with them, that you at least still care.
You don't have to stay long, maybe just 30-45 minutes, and maybe you can try bringing along some of your LO's favorite music, as music has proven to be very powerful with those suffering from any of the dementias. There have been instances where a nonverbal person has started singing when they heard music that they were familiar with. Certainly worth giving it a try. Best wishes.
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Anyonymous1 Mar 2021
thanks. Music is a great idea. I need to invest in some sort of technology to ddo this, Im so tight with money so I get behind on technology due to not buying things
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You don't have to visit frequently and you don't have to stay long.

My granny didn't have a clue what was going on with reality, so we would walk to the dining room, share a coke, walk in the garden and play a little catch with a stuffed animal and change her baby dolls clothing. That all took less than a half hour because they have no attention span. Do what you are comfortable with.

Maybe bring treats for the staff, this will go a long ways in showing how much you appreciate the care they give even when you are not present frequently, walk a little bit with mom and head out.

My dads facility loved homemade goodies and fresh foods. Something that is easy to grab and go was popular. A dollar store card telling the staff that you appreciate them and all their hard work is a great addition to those homemade cupcakes or cookies, maybe a nice fruit platter with toothpicks in the fruit to grab and go.

You are doing a very nice thing by showing up. It is okay if it is on a schedule that works for you.
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Anyonymous1 Mar 2021
Great ideas, I like the teddybear catch game idea. Might try that.
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I used to allow about an hour for each visit for my mom in the NH; she had dementia.

I would bring a treat (a latte and something chocolate-y). I would come with about 45 minutes worth of "material"--stories about family, friends, pictures from Facebook, sometimes embellished anecdotes, work stuff. I would do her finger nails and shave her chin hair with a portable, battery operated thingie.

I did this every week for about 3 years (the NH she was in was about 2 hours away); at the end, I cut back to every two weeks. When the weather was good, we went outside and sat by the lake for my recitation of "material".

I was never good at this; it was heart-wrenching and uncomfortable.
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Anyonymous1 Mar 2021
The food and drinks are nice.. Unfortunately I dont feel I can do that anymore as the parent drops the food or drink all over the place and loses interest in food really fast.

The manicure things are nice. I havent tried those things. but not sure, the parent gets quite aggressive when trying to do any cares.
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All the previous posts are great ideas. Stuffed animals, baby dolls, family pictures, music, etc. Load some music apps on your phone and find music of her generation- 40s, 50s , big bands, Sinatra, etc. In my wife's late stages, I would always talk about family and reminisce. Always a monologue on my part but she knew I was there.
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I would advise to play calming music on your phone or songs with words that she will recognize from her younger days. It is amazing how people that no longer know most everything still remember music from the past and maybe even the words. There was a lady in my Moms memory home that did not speak but when some songs were played she started singing and was not only in tune but remembered the words.

My husband loves watching and hearing the Lawrence Welk show on PBS. I record the shows and play them at least every other day. He doesn’t even know if it’s a repeat from a prior day or a 1/2 hour before. The songs/words he remembers is amazing. I even see him tapping on his knee in time to the music and he doesn’t have any musical background. It gives him joy and gives me the same as well as time to catch my breath or get other things done.

There were years I was a volunteer clown for nursing homes and hospitals. I will never forget how well received I was as when I went to each resident in memory care, mostly non verbal, as we did what I called chair dancing. As the music played, I went to each one, taking their hands in mine and swayed back and forth to the music with each one of them. It brought so many smiles to folks that had not smiled or responded in sometime. Best is to get at their eye level. Sitting in a chair facing them saves your back.

Shorter visits can be fine. They have no concept of time. Holding their hand can be very comforting to many. Sitting quietly with no words said. Having a small soft lap blanket for the patient to touch, pet, cuddle is special.

Hope this is of help as we journey through this together.❤️💜
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I visited my Mom no more than 30 min. But, I was 5 min down the street. It was, like u say, more of a check in. I still did her laundry so I would hang it up. Bring her Depends and any other personal stuff she needed. No snacks, they get plenty of food there. Always a birthday party or holiday celebration.

My daughter worked NHs and ALs for 20 yrs. She says you don't have to visit all the time. With your history once a week would be fine.
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Anyonymous1 Mar 2021
I live an hour away so its a wee bit of a trek each time. You are right there always seems to be heaps of snacks there. The laundry sounds like a nice idea. Maybe I could do something like that.

I dont visit once a week. Its now more like once a month. But have been thinking of cutting it back a bit more even. Will see. Unless I can work out making it more enjoyable.

Reality is that because I didnt have a good relationship with the parent prior to alz I saw them say two or three times a year. So its been kind of ridiculous that in the last year and a half I have been seeing them at times daily, weekly and now around monthly, for some very low quality time. Kind of ironic really,
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Keep your visits short and responsive to the person. If it comes down to simply sitting next to the elder, allow that. Try stuffed animals. Often they like dolls to dress if they are women. Picture books and magazines are fine. Don't expect to get their attention. And as I said, short visits. And no need to make them very frequent when there is little knowledge, response, memory.
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Music from the time they were teenagers seems to hang on in the memory. Try playing music he/she liked. Try singing or dancing together. Shows photo album with pictures from his/her earlier years and name the people in the photos. Try rubbing scented lotion on hands and arms - dry skin is always a problem. Make the treats very small - a single mini muffin or cupcake, a snack size candy bar... Bring flowers for them to smell - even if you have to take the flowers back home. Basically, try stimulating all their senses: touch, smell, sight, and sound, taste. The oldest memories are the ones they hold onto the longest. He/She may not remember who you are but they will remember that you cared enough to visit.
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