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I don't understand why my mom, 82, widowed, refuses to make changes that would help her stay in her home and be more comfortable and a little bit safer. She has plenty of money, and even if she didn't, I could help her financially.



Her mattress is more than 50 years old (but my late father slept there, and so it must stay, shrine-like). She won't let us move her washer and dryer out of the basement or convert the den into a first-floor bedroom (her house has 10 rooms and she lives alone). She won't use a cane...just grabs onto the backs of chairs and walls to steady herself. She often doesn't wear her hearing aids. She hates the chair she sits in every night and b*****s about it (my sister bought it for her and has offered to replace it, but Mom won't let her).



Why? I don't get it! She is so uncomfortable in her own skin and house. She refuses to move but also hates that the house needs work (it'll be a total tear down after she dies…poor construction and a money pit). In a nutshell, she won't do anything intelligent to stave off a disaster. My guess is she'll die at the bottom of the stairs because she didn't want to admit she shouldn't be using them.



I just hope and pray (and plan!) not to follow in her footsteps. She is my second job, and I HAVE a fulltime job! I would never torture my kids with worry and stupid choices the way she has to my sister and me. It's totally degraded our relationship to the point where I want to scream. I know it's awful, but I hope she passes away sooner rather than later, because every day, there's some flailing on her part that could be avoided with just a teeny bit of common sense or acknowledgement that she's not 40 anymore. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH GETTING OLDER! But why be so STUPID about it???



Okay, venting is over. Thanks, forum.

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I think it is sheer terror. The terror of knowing you are not what you used to be 5 or 10 years ago begets the "don't change anything, don't get anything new." The reality is the fear that you may not be able to cope with or understand anything new (yeah.... even the chair). And the generation that is now hitting 90 saw the tail end of the great depression; they remember their parents talking about how they lost everything so this group is not throwing anything away.... even if they can't remember what they used it for.
I know that some parents feel like their children should lay down their lives for them but I'm not sure if that is true for others who just may be locked so tightly in their own little world of fear, they no longer see or care what it is doing to their children.
Doesn't really give you an answer to the problem but it's just my thoughts of having observed residents and family members for over 10 years as an Administrator and reflecting on my own activities as I age. Getting old takes more courage than I ever imagined. Gives me new and additional respect for my Mom and others in their 90s.
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Msblcb Jun 2023
I could not agree more. I spend my day planning the future, solving the present and referring to my past (carefully!). My 93 year old mom was fearful naturally. She could not plan for the future, her present was aches, pains and meds so the past was the only comfort. That was her memories, her material things, her home…..she tried her best to hold on to those things. They brought stability and gave her something that was “hers”. As they age, they lose control of everything….their independence, their ability to make their own decisions and unfortunately, sometimes, where they will live. I completely understand her desire to keep things that are familiar even if they are worn out or unsafe.

I am not minimizing your frustration but sympathize with her behavior.
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omg it was like I wrote this “vent” myself! I live this daily, too, but my mom is now in assisted living and voicing that she hates everything and no longer wants to live. I continually try to make her more comfortable and learned to only supply/purchase/provide what SHE expresses would help; just to have her complain and not want or use them. I get it’s her choice and I express I’ll support her in any decision but DAMN it’s exhausting when she determined to be miserable no matter what!
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southernwave Jun 2023
What I don’t get is how are they not exhausted from their exhausting behaviors? Energizer bunnies
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My mother is 90. Last year we put her in AL with the understanding she could leave in a month if she didn’t want to stay. The AL agreement permitted this. My mother had anxiety and control issues all her life. When I was young she was 5’7” and weighed 109 pounds because she forgot to eat.
She was as diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depression Disorder in the AL. She told her neighbors in AL “ I lived in a 3 bedroom house and I controlled everything “.
Treating emotional issues is very difficult. Members of my mother’s generation chose to be strong and not be labeled as crazy.
Now with the help inAL (both medication and counseling) she is making friends and seems much happier.
People are living a lot longer with a lot more physical and emotional needs. As has been said before, “I’m not doing this to my kids.” I pray we are able to do this.
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My soon to be 95 year old mother who is falling apart physically, uses a walker, has a pacemaker and is using oxygen periodically during the day is complaining about having to have the free aide that hospice is supplying for 3 hours in the afternoon, 5 days a week, she says she does not need her.

My sister and the nurse told her she does not have a choice. She has to stay. She is in absolute denial about her dire situation. And no she does not have dementia.

I really hope I will have the grace to realize my limitations if I get to the point where she is.
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bundleofjoy Jun 2023
of course there are exceptions ---
but it seems to be (worldwide) much more common for women, than for men, to refuse help from hired caregivers.

it's not that they refuse help - it's that they (there are exceptions, i'm not saying everyone is like that) want to enslave, especially their daughters.

there are so many stories of mothers refusing hired help, and fathers glad to accept hired help.
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I totally understand I’m in the same boat. Electric wiring shorting out.
mum refuse’s everything.
proud and defiant.
fridge broke refuse to replace it had to get her out of the house for two hours so we could get a new one it.
I’m not her fairy godmother to wave a magic wand . She refuse’s everything
i desperately need her to go into a nursing home. I’m leaving with her 27/7 because she needs help with everything. Refuse’s shower clothing needs changing and bedding .
why I don’t get it either .
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Way2tired Jun 2023
Sounds like dementia .
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Can relate to so much of this. My mom refuses to admit, at 84, there'll likely come a time soon she'll need nursing care. She saved not one dollar for retirement and just had to sell her house - my guess is she'll make a poor decision on where to live just like a million other poor decisions. But it's like others here say. You can't make them do things. I'm just planning myself on what to do since I can't get Mom to talk to me about any of it. It'll probably Medicaid at some point which could have been avoided if Mom had let go of some control... it's exhausting.
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TeethGrinder65: There is no reason or rational thinking to some elders, i.e. 'the use of a cane makes the person look old.' Pshaw!!
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Way2tired Jun 2023
Falling makes them look old too . 🤔
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Maybe she can not help it ! She my be sliding down the slippery slope of dementia. If that is the case, it won’t get any better… I know what it feels like when you want the best for a loved one and they refuse. Six years ago I was ready for him to fall off the face of the earth . .. I took everything that happened as personal . The way I was treating him led me to a caregivers meeting and the first thing I learned was . “ His BRAIN was BROKEN “ . So my significant other of 33 years is dealing with dementia that is aggravated with something called Anosagnosia.. He is 80 years old . We are together these last 5 years 24/7. He was a man with a masters degree who taught high school over 30 years . He was a wrestling coach and referee for years , had a landscape business and much more .. His passion was golf and he was pretty good at it …He lives in a different reality now and because of the Anosagnosia he believes there is nothing wrong with him. It’s no denial , it’s a real thing .. Things he used to be able to do, he can no longer do.. It is not because he WON’T do those things , It is because CAN’T.. He is resistant to change. His cognitive abilities are gone and he does not believe he needs help. I get the “LOOK” when I tell he shouldn’t be raking because he might fall . I am after him all the time to use a walker ( we have 2) and get the “Look” again . He has fallen 4 times in the last month . He is 256# and not easy to get up .
He is resistant to any suggestion I give him. In his reality , I am always wrong , I am the one with a problem .Your mom might also be dealing with some cognitive issue. What has helped me a lot has been attending caregivers meetings. There is so much to think about . The second most important thing I learned was to take care of myself .. I am doing the best I can with what I have to work with and that is all anyone can expect of me . Prayers are with you .
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Way2tired Jun 2023
I thought it could be dementia too. OP profile says her Mom “ has passed all dementia screenings , but I know she has at least some deficits”.

How long ago was the screenings? If Mom is not willing to get screened again ( as mine wasn’t at all ) , the next time she ends up in the hospital ask them to do a screening . That’s how I got my mother’s dementia diagnosis .
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I can relate to your experience. However, sometimes changing could make someone feel unsafe and uncomfortable , even though you think it's for better. My dad didn't like using a walker. He said when pushing it harder, it moved too fast or stuck. He didn't like hearing aid either, because it amplified the noise as well.
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You are 100% correct, nothing wrong with getting older.
Realizing comfort is important and safety should come first above anything else.
But, as many can attest, nobody or anything can prevent some events.
Perhaps if not you then maybe somebody else like professional can convince your Mom some changes and adjustments are necessary.
My GF goes thru that struggle right now, Mom with dementia, Dad stubborn etc.
And they need ramp and rails and so on, they just don’t want to spend any money. She is going to engage Social Worker and occupational therapist to explain to them and adresses those needs.
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Maybe the Acorn stairlift will help?
Get repairs needed done so house can be sold. Get someone to help declutter & clean . Hugs 🤗
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Sigh... it is so sad that this happens all too often. I feel your pain and frustration. I BEGGED my mother to take her high blood pressure and diabetes medications. I implored her to monitor her blood sugar. She wouldn't do it. I had diabetes before her (runs rampant in Dad's family). I explained ad nauseum what would happen if she kept eating the way she was especially without proper medication. She didn't listen. Now she has vascular dementia. It was ENTIRELY due to her being medically non-compliant.

She wouldn't heed my warnings to professionally clear out her level 4 hoarded apartment. She wouldn't do any estate planning, including a Durable Power of Attorney. Her excuse? "You and your brother will get all my money when I die!" I asked "What if you get ill and can't take care of your affairs?" She wouldn't have a clear response. Just kept deflecting.

This will be on many a Silent Generation, Boomer and even my fellow GenXers tombstones: "I will die in service to my ego." And "Pride goeth before Destruction."

IT. IS. ENTIRELY. ABOUT. CONTROL. Along with a healthy dose of denial.

My advice? Pick your battles. Like someone else said, just move the damn washing machine and dryer. If she doesn't like it... TOUGH. You're tasked with helping her, and that would make your very difficult life simpler.

The other stuff? Just expect to feel like the Greek Goddess Casandra and know that though you KNOW what is going to happen and you can back it up with facts, she will not listen. Many parents cannot STAND the idea that the roles are reversing.

And what is the most ironic part of it is, that by not listening to the advice and heeding the warnings, the very thing they did NOT want - loss of control, is what they wind up bringing on themselves.

Now some people had a good laugh saying that many parents said they would NEVER do what their parents did (i.e. not use the hearing aid), but wound up doing it anyway. And that there's a good chance we could do the same.

I think there is one possible way to prevent this...maybe.

PLAN EARLY. PLAN WHILE YOU'RE HEALTHY AND HAVE A SHARP MIND.

Get long term care plans in place. Exactly what you'd like to happen. That is what I'm going to be working on this year. Of course, the success or breadth of this depends on your financial and personal situation. But find a plan that works for you in terms of where you'll live, what kind of help you'll get. Get all your estate planning done with a good elder care attorney. My husband is now on at-home hospice, but we got our estate planning done beforehand. Just to make sure, we did a consultation with my mom's lawyer to make sure we or the other law firm didn't miss anything. We were 90% there. I have to make a slight change to my will. And we made sure that there are designated beneficiaries on ALL of my husbands insurance, investments, etc. This is to avoid any of his creditors trying to go after an estate. With the will and the beneficiaries in place, we'll most likely avoid having to probate anything. Hence, no estate, and nowhere for some creditors to put their grubby, greedy little fingers.

Despite my mom's bad decisions, we were able to come up with a halfway decent situation for her at home, while protecting her assets. My brother and I would NEVER have been able to know or figure any of that out without our elder care attorney.
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Clesslyn4 Jun 2023
On my grave it will say my mother did this.
it is so exhausting .
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Yes mine made incredibly stupid choices too which have caused undue stress to me and my sisters. I frankly am very angry about it all and doubt I will ever get past it to think well of them after they are gone. I am beyond disgusted.

I can only hope to not make the same mistakes. Hope I don’t live as long as they are and it is a moot point.
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It is very tough. The best thing to do is to have the "favored child" be the one who pitches the idea to them. If there is no "favored child", then try to soften your approach.

The issue is one of pride, independence, loneliness and confidence.

To use a walker or a cane, means that they are getting old. I'd suggest that a condition of leaving the house is to use the walker or a cane. Regarding walkers, one cannot have rugs on the floor with a walker (that can be an issue). Using a cane with walkers, runs the risk of the cane slipping. If your Mom doesn't have the strength to be able to get off the floor, that is another reason why she doesn't want to use a cane or walker inside the house. If that is the issue, have her get some help from PT to strengthen her abs. She can do exercises that will help her be more confident in her ability to walk and stand.

There are also rollators, walkers with wheels. The key though is that your Mom has to have the strength to squeeze the hand brakes. There are some that come with seats. Walking at least a mile several times a week, will help build and keep up the abs. There are some rollators that flex side-to-side so that it can be used in narrow spaces, like between tables in a restaurant.

Not wearing hearing aids? Well, that is something that many of us who have hearing aids understand. Hearing aids can be ill-fitted, run out of battery, blocked with ear wax, extra noisy, lose peripheral hearing, etc. If your Mom uses batteries for her hearing aids, one must wait 5 minutes for the battery to get fully charged, else the battery has less or no life. Blocked with ear wax? About every 90 days, there is a thing that needs to be changed out. If it is clogged, no sound and having the hearing aid is useless. Even then, if voices are too loud, the hearing aid will muffle the noise so that the words are not understandable. Occasionally, I get feedback on my voice, which makes it hard for me to communicate. My mother resorted to wearing her hearing aid only one side, as that side gets the sound and the other side lets you hear peripheral noises.

Grumbling and b****ing all the time? Well, that is a double edge sword but they don't know it. The grumbling and b****ing can happen for a number of reasons. Some of which are: 1) their world is smaller, hence every little thing makes a difference and if it doesn't happen the way they expect, that is a problem. 2) They are lonely and crave attention, hence they have found that grumbling makes people listen to them and give them the attention (or respect) that they desire 3) People misunderstand what they want or patronize them 4) They don't hear correctly what the other person said 5) They have always been this way 6) Some people believe that anything can always be improved, therefore, they are always complaining and are never content.

My suggestion here is to get your Mom out and help her find another circle of friends or be with other people. Nothing helps b**chiness more than watching someone else be a pain-in-the-a**. Maybe senior day care?

Stairs? These are actually good for people as it builds up their abs and coordination. However, for a nice sum of money, one can get a stair escalator/elevator. However, I'm sure she wouldn't use it unless she is b*tching about it. Make sure the handrail is solid. My Mom had little to no strength in everywhere except her legs (she walked) and arms (from pulling herself up stairs at the places she visited). She never fell from the stairs, although my sister held her breath every time. They gave her a downstairs area to sleep, however, my Mom would always find a reason to go up the stairs.

A therapist for you could help you come up with ideas on how to deal with your Mom.

I'm running out of space. Deep breaths! (((HUGS)))

P.S. As you get older, your brain no longer works at warp speed...
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You should call me. We have the same problems with our mother. Or email me at carlakooij@verizon.net
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I copied this, framed it and hung it on my wall. Bravo!
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Teethgrinder65,

I'm guessing it's the same reason my parents would not listen to my sister and I and move into a nice senior community; she is telling you that she is unwilling to accept that she is old. I think it is their way of keeping themselves at the last point in life that they feel control over. They know what they have right now and they might complain (and you know they are miserable!) but they are still in control. My parents fought us until the fall came, then the ambulance, then one went into a nursing home for physical therapy and the other had to follow because they would not live alone. It really stinks watching them fail. Everyone told me, something will happen. Well, it will but it may take time. Do what you can to keep your sanity, sometimes the "thing that will happen" takes longer than expected. Explain to her now that she wants to be the one to choose where she goes next. My parents did not listen to us and now they are in a nursing home that they do not like. We waited three years for the "thing to happen". Reality is sometimes worse than your fears. Try to get her to plan her future.

Good luck. It's hard to watch someone struggle when you know that things could be SO much easier. As I was told by Adult Protective Services, "they have a right to do what they want even if it isn't safe." Very sad but true in most places.
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Way2tired Jun 2023
So true. My mother would not go look at assisted living places, despite being encouraged to multiple times. Then “ the thing happened “ that landed her in the ER and then assisted living. She had the nerve to complain that she had no say in which assisted living facility she ended up in.

Now having the same issue with MIL. Just like my mother we have asked MIL to pick out an assisted living place she would like “ just in case it is needed down the road if something happened “. We told both of them we would want to know where they want to live if it becomes necessary to leave their current home. I was sincere when discussing this. Her not making a plan will have the same result as my mother when she ends up in the ER. I have a few assisted living facilities in mind when the time comes that it is an emergency to get her placed. She won’t get to pick where she lives . Their unwillingness to plan is on them .
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Vent away. ❤
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If you find an answer let me know!! It is just unbelievable how stubborn my mother also is. She is sooo afraid of being old and instead of enjoying her age she fights it by refusing to see reality!! And she expects me to fix the issues.
my mother told me she plans to live at least another ten years. That would make her 93 and me 70. I literally walked away and started to cry! I can’t imagine the thought of spending next ten years in this situation. I am frickin old myself 🤦🏻‍♀️
good luck!!!
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Clesslyn4 Jun 2023
ditto I feel your pain sister.
hopeless situation.
we will all die before them.
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I am very sorry for your frustration.
My sister has Alzheimer's and I will tell you, if I have learned nothing else,
CHANGE is the enemy. Nothing will make it not so. Sorry.
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Good Morning,

Let's face it, don't we all want to remain at home.

When the elderly age so does their mind. Some decisions need to be made for them especially when it comes to safety.

If they rebuff any safety set-up usually there is an "emergency" at 3 o'clock in the morning. You could present it something like, "well Mom, if you do this, you can stay in your house longer. If we make some modifications and bring some help in, you can remain at home longer".

Maybe an Up Walker Lite, some new shoes that fit properly, get rid of step-in shoes and night gowns. Get some night lights, etc. Get rid of throw rugs on the floor. Get a shower chair, nozzle and grab bars in the bathroom, etc. Bring in a physical therapist once a week. Come up with a plan.

It's hard on them too. You should see the way my mother folds a facecloth. She has Lewy Body Dementia, like a 2-year-old folded it. It's sad but we must remember oftentimes they don't see what we do. With some dementias' the "peripheral vision" goes (basically it's like wearing snorkeling glasses with no vision on the side). I have my mother fold towels so she thinks she is helping. I also have her break off the string bean ends when cooking. Again, it makes her feel included in the household.

We bought a new sofa and I had her pick out some fabric and what kind she thought would like nice in the parlor.

Don't argue with her, because they can't see it. Sit her down, hold her hand, look into her face/eyes and tell her you want to help her and we need to make some changes. You don't have to give a lot of info at one time but make gradual changes.

I hope I was of some help...
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Let’s face it No one really wants to lose their independence or admit they are old and frail - that’s the Facts .
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I feel you. But reality is you need to do - what you need to do, to take care of her properly. question is, are you really going to be able to live with yourself as you throw up your hands and say “she fell down the stairs because of her own stubbornness!” and if she lives, are you going to say that you taught her a lesson with that? Of course not. I don’t mean to be harsh but this is the hard part and caregiving to do the right thing in the face of stubbornness. Yeah they’re stubborn and you have to swim against the tide whether they like it or not. They will eventually come around. So get the new mattress and convert the room and get her a cane. If anything happens - do it with love and kindness then you can say you tried. Complaining about it is not doing anything about it. Ouch - but I say it with love and compassion. Good luck
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You know I have commented a few times now on some posts and I always am appalled at the uncaring feeling I get from some of the answers to these questions. If a parent is being "stubborn" and "not doing what you want them to"...the answer is not to ignore their feelings. How many times when you were a baby, toddler, preteen, teen, and older, did your parent go without sleep in order to take care of you? How many times did your parent tell you that you were being stubborn? And how many times after you were an adult that you wanted to do it your way? And I say "parent" because not only mothers take care of children but dads do too. Anyway, you have to remember that the person who you are complaining about first off made you, cleaned you, took care of you and tried to guide you in the right path. Why does everyone think that this does not matter? Your parent needs you now, after 70, 80, or older years. Everyone needs to be more compassionate with their parents. Always find a compromise! And never forget that they love you!
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Way2tired Jun 2023
@Chris, you state, “ Everyone needs to be more compassionate with their parents .”
Not everyone had loving caring parents. Many that come to this forum have been abused , and are feeling trapped taking care of their abuser . No one is obligated to take care of an unpleasant abusive parent , nor is it healthy .
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Yes i agree with all that you wrote. theres is a mental deficencency going on there. too much anxiety and depression going on there. talk to a Dr for help.
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My mother is exactly the same, many of my friends mother also.

I feel it’s less about getting old and more about becoming irrelevant. So they wreak havoc to get the lost attention. If they were content you’d move on to your next task.

The generation of our mothers were born in or around WWll, war babies, that had to leave a mark.

My solutions are the same as yours, just don’t do it to our kids and manage your expectations with her.

Good luck
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I know I feel same way about my mom. Won't get hearing aids or teeth fixed or knee fixed. I think they do this to get attention. I know my mom does that. She want everyone to feel sorry for her. She is mean. I understand about your wanted her just to get out of your life. I have a job also and she calls me 2 or 3 times a day asking what are we eating and when I will be home. I am loosing my patience. We had a fight and I blew up and told her I was tired of her acting like this. Of course she will forget since she has dementia. We just have to hang in there and stick together. Venting is good.
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She feels secure in her home because it is familiar to her.
That you use the word "STUPID" speaks volumes of your lack of empathy and understanding.

Scream all you want.
Educate yourself.
Develop compassion.
Step outside your own experience into another's ...

Clearly you do not want to be doing what you are doing in regards to your mom. Get into therapy yourself and find support for your mom. She needs a break from you.
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Mjustice98 Jun 2023
You could use a little empathy yourself 😳
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To understand behavior, we need to put ourselves in that person's shoes.
See life from their "perspective," including fears / brain chemistry changes.
You are trying to understand her behavior from your point-of-view and this doesn't work in terms of resolving or understanding what is happening or how to proceed.

Your post says much more about how angry you are than it says about your mom's needs, life/brain changes, she is going through. Developing compassion is one of the best qualities you can develop - in life, and when dealing with a person when their brain changes / when they lose brain cells because they die.

The more you educate yourself on your mom's condition, the better off she and you will be - as your energy now appears very toxic and will be to both of you, until you see the situation from another perspective.

Resisting care and general stubbornness are two hallmarks of dementia, and they are among the most common reasons that adult children look for help as caregivers.

Ten warning signs of dementia
Dementia and memory loss. ... 
Dementia and difficulty with tasks. ... 
Dementia and disorientation. ... 
Dementia and language problems. ... 
Dementia and changes in abstract thinking. ... 
Dementia and poor judgement. ... 
Dementia and poor spatial skills. ... 
Dementia and misplacing things.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Clesslyn4 Jun 2023
You seem to KNOW a lot about dementia.
but have YOU cared for someone for five years without help without a break everyday with violent dementia.
Have you had to cook clean do a 1000 other tasks pretending that the dementia patient did it all herself.
You my dear need to educate yourself on carers and the role they play and carers burnout.
carers burnout happens because people like you don’t educate themselves or don’t want to understand the other side of the coin .
very narrow minded
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Re hearing aids - if she doesn’t have them in I end the convo and tell her to call me ( or that we can continue convo) when she has them in. A conversation is a 2
person job and both have to do their part for the other.
I am polite and caring about it. “Ok mom, call me back when they’re in - talk to you soon” or I just get them and hand them to her.
In all fairness they are annoying to wear, or so it seems.
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