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I’m in desperate need of some help. I’m 21 and my boyfriend is 25. We have been dating for quite a while. His parents are both disabled, have had strokes, cancer, diabetes. Basically, they need a lot of care. He moved back in with them before we started dating to “help” them. When I entered their house I was absolutely appalled by the smell. They must be nose blind because it is horrendous. Their elderly dogs poop and pee in the house frequently. They are hoarders and you can barely move in the house. There is trash everywhere. My boyfriend usually isn’t home with them and when he is, he is usually sleeping. He works about two hours away and then when he gets back will usually go to the bar. I have seen him grocery shop for them and do their laundry but other than that, nothing. He’s convinced they will die if he’s not “there helping”. I convinced him and his parents to hire an in home care aide FINALLY!! But, she was bit by one of the dogs so she stopped coming. I asked him how often they bathe and he said maybe once a month (I asked because I noticed boxes in the shower). I’ve tried everything to get him to go to a Human Services office or something. It’s horrible living conditions and they need specialized care. The father ends up in the ER almost weekly now. Does anyone have any advice and would this be considered neglect? Thank you so much.

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Ariasyole, this is a very complex situation. Your boyfriend's parents created the household to be the way it is, and this didn't happen overnight. I bet they refuse to have someone come in to help clean up the house, it would only return back to the original hoarding state within months. If the parents are of clear mind, they can create their household any way they want until it becomes unhealthy and a danger to them.

At first I was thinking your boyfriend was very uncaring, but now I am thinking he is totally frustrated at his parents that he stays away as much as he can. Bet a day doesn't go by when there isn't a fight over the condition of the house. Sounds like boyfriend has given up, and I don't blame him. Hoarders rarely listen to advice of their own children.

It's nice that you convinced the family to hire an Aide, but seriously, what Aide would want to work in those conditions? Being bitten by a dog is serious, I bet the dogs haven't had yearly rabies shots.  Chances are the "bite" was a nip, otherwise if the Aide went to a doctor for treatment, the doctor is required by State law to notify the authorities of an animal bite unless the Aide has a copy of a recent rabies shot for that dog.

How does the father get to the ER? Does the son drive him? I would have 911 come out to the house. They could be the "bad guys" who report the living conditions to the authorities, and maybe that would get the ball rolling.
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You need to ask yourself how badly you want to stay in this relationship. Everyone seems to be ignoring the elephant in the room. If it were me, I would be calling Adult Protective Services first thing in the morning.
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Hugemom Oh I have grown to adore this family. I also laid down my ground rules on day 1 and said I wouldn’t be moving in to help, mainly because they need PROFESSIONAL help, which I am not and neither is he. Problem is he thinks he can do a better job of any doctor or assisted living facility. What happens when you call them?
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Adult Protective Services will send a caseworker out to assess their situation. A file will be opened on them and I believe someone will monitor them and try to help. They are the professionals that you’re seeking. Have a heart to heart talk with your boyfriend and tell them what you wrote me, that you love his parents and you’re afraid something bad will happen to them. Hoarders live with the threat of tripping and falling, breathing polluted air from animal waste, becoming sick from eating spoiled food, and in the worst cases, being bitten by insects or rats. Tell your bf you know he wants the best for his parents, but one person can only do so much. And be aware that if he refuses to help them get medical care or other help, he could be charged with elder abuse.
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First off if your boyfriend knows he can't give his parents the help they need then morally I think he should be looking to outside sources for help. I don't live in the states so I don't know about costs but surely there must be some free services of some kind there is there not? Granted, free government services may not be of the caliber that you would want for a loved one but from the sounds of it, things are not ideal now so they couldn't get much worse.

As for your boyfriend going to the bar all the time whether it is avoidance or not, do you really want that type of partner in your life? Someone who uses alcohol to avoid reality?

You sound like you have a heart that is in the right place. Use the guidance that good heart gives you.
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You adore this family!? No offense but it’s sounds like there is mental,illness here along with many other problems. This is not your responsibility. Unless you want to be drawn in and consumed by this family notify the authorities and walk away.
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Contact Adult Protection Services. To not do so, it seems to me, is morally elder neglect (whether or not it is legally). If the caseworker comes out, shrugs, says "they are competent to decide that this is the way they want to live" and closes the case, then you will at least know you have done your best to help this family you adore.

As you know, BF is simply not able to effectively help his parents to the extent that they need help. Not His Fault. And it doesn't make him a Bad Son or a potentially Bad Boy Friend. But it does mean he is in a situation way over his head and does not recognize that, and he is dealing with this largely with avoidance. Drinking is part of that avoidance. This would worry me a lot if I were thinking of marrying this man, and even more so if I hoped to have children with him. His behavior here is certainly not Evil, but it isn't Healthy, either.

Call APS. And discuss the possibility of couple counseling. An objective, trained outsider could help you both see things more clearly.
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Freqflyer. His parents are still quite young (60s). Unfortunately, his mother is very out of it and we think may be developing dementia. His father, on the other hand, I thought was of sound mind. But, the more I talked to him and got to know him, I think he is in denial of the problems. Every time an incident has occurred we have called the ambulance. They both can’t walk (they hobble sometimes, but it is very difficult for them) and mostly stay in bed all day. I don’t blame the home care aide for leaving either. I wonder if there is any other services I can suggest. Price is also a factor because they are tight on money.
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What a mess! BF will not change. He cannot care for his parents that need professional help. He provides better care than the pros would? Yet he has a two hour drive to work, and home or to the bar (another red flag), so that is 12 hours he is gone each day plus bar time, that is not caring for them. You need to accept that this relationship is not going anywhere and get on with your life.
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Oh my..

Look up "parentified child".

He has a good job? Presumably with mental health benefits. Tell him he should use them.

What do your parents think about this situation?
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