Follow
Share

Hospice called Thursday night saying the live-in-sibling wants to now remove mom from hospice. Saying mom had blood showing up when going potty. Her stomach was swelling up off and on for no reason at all. Saying mom was running a fever off and on. Said mom didn’t want anyone to touch her at the navel area. The nurse told me a visit was made but at that point only saw a trace of blood but really no sign of constipation this time and hemorrhoids was a maybe. Nurse stated sibling was not agreeable and demanded test such as an ultrasound. My family was already set to visit on Friday but we hate going at this point due to live-in-sibling and the aids who are acting just as crazy but it is not because we have done anything to them.


Come Friday morning, the social worker called and said again get mom into a nursing home. Saying you can’t talk to live-in-sibling because they (the live-in) know more than the nurses/everyone and really is not capable of caring for anyone. Stressing again that live in sibling wants mom off hospice. I told social worker if other siblings want to see that happen, I would do the discharge since I signed both parents up in the beginning and it is like me against seven other siblings. Needless to say, siblings went with live-in-sibling so I did the discharge.


I scheduled mom a video doc visit with the primary doctor she use to be under before going on hospice. So the video call took place and from there the symptoms got exaggerated to the point of the doc saying carry mom to emergency room immediately. So live-in-sibling called the aid to come back (you'll see why below). While getting mom dressed in restroom, I could tell mom had done the due and asked aid not to flush so I could see. The aid ignored me. By then the live-in-sibling came in and told me to help the aid. I told her no because she tells aids not to interact with me. I stood aside. As soon as the aid went to pulling up mom’s pull-up she was snatching, so when she went to pull up her pants I asked her to go easy. She ignored me and so I pushed her hands off mom as she was snatching on the pants. She shoved the wheelchair against the tub and stormed out.


By then the live-in-sibling went to demanding I was the one to leave out and that I am not to go in with the aids when they're interacting with mom. I told sibling to get over it and that mom was my mom as well. She kept trying to be a () not wanting me or husband to help get wheelchair out the restroom. Saying mom is her responsibility and that’s her job. By that time, I was truly ticked and was about to do more than talk when husband came in and man handled me back. I was furious.


Dad heard the commotion and went to crying. Mom started crying saying she wanted her baby daughter with her (me). Saying she be wanting to see me. I explained to mom and dad again why we don't come often. Every time we visit, sibling acts crazy and the aids leave. The employer upholds the sibling and aids in wrong doing.


My teens and husband do not want me to visit alone for fear of sibling and aids jumping on me gang style. So I’ve started to think on staying away permanently.


PS: Again, as soon as we arrived, the aid took off. I mean we only drove up. Dad asked where aid was going and live-in-sibling said lunch. Well lunch lasted three hours. Funny thing is lunch always happen upon my family’s arrival. What is that?


What would you do if this was happening? Would you consider no longer visiting your parents if it is causing your immediate family unpleasant visits and your parents grief?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
answry, when families are not in agreement over their parents' care, it gets complex and emotional (as you well know). What is the purpose/goal of your visits? To just show love and support for mom? Or to review what type of care she's getting? Both? Or something else?

Whoever is your mom's medical PoA is the one who should be advocating for what mom wants, if mom isn't cognitively compromised. Is your mom able to voice her desires freely? Are those desires carried out by the PoA? If no one has durable PoA for your mom/parents, this will make a difficult caregiving arrangement needlessly more difficult and stressful. If your mom has her mental faculties, and if you (and hopefully another sibling or 2) believe she is not getting appropriate care and her desires aren't been respected, then your your mom can legally create a new durable PoA naming whoever she wishes (and it can be more than 1 person). With so many siblings in the family, being transparent and a good communicator will be essential so that no one can question motives. Please write back to clarify if your mom has a PoA, who is the PoA and whether your mom has ever been diagnosed with any cognitive decline. I wish all the best for your mom!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Sometimes the POA will take someone off hospice in order to proceed with medical interventions and prolong life, and sometimes this is done for monetary purposes. Does your Mom have regular income from pension, social security, disability? It's really unfortunate, but it happens. All those payments would of course stop if/when she passes away.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Yes they both receive social security. When sibling found out about the stimulus, they attempted to change banks without my knowledge. Stumbled on during a visit. Dad thought he was helping sibling with something they needed.

I am just tired of the ugliness. It's not like we come every week or daily. But when we do, it's always a big deal starting off with the aides hot wheeling out of the driveway. Then if they don't do that, they are staring at me the entire time of trying to interact with mom. I'm the television. I'm it.

A close friend, more like a sister, said maybe just go and sit. Don't bring a treat, don't bring lunch, don't offer water, don't talk, and don’t do anything. Just sit beside my mom. Cut visits to thirty minutes was also suggested. It takes forty-five minutes to get there. To sit for thirty minutes, I may as well not go.

I hate putting them through this. I don't even want to go on Mother’s Day this year. I'm truly thinking to stop all visits. But was open to suggestions if anyone could picture themselves in my shoes.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I wouldn’t stop seeing my parents due to sibling being unpleasant. And I could ignore the aides, they are paid help and not family and can be tuned out. Ask yourself what you want to look back on when this ends. Is it time visiting your parents? Time fighting your sibling and aides? Or time spent not visiting at all because of the tension? I’d bet on time spent visiting your parents. Given the current circumstances you’ll have to do that without any comments at all on their living situation or healthcare, talk about the weather, current world events, happy childhood memories, whatever, just not what’s going on in their current lives. Be positive and encouraging without fail. Not saying that will be easy, you’ll have to smile til it hurts and ignore much. But it’ll get you precious time with parents.
And then one day, if you really want to dive deeper into this, arrange ahead of a visit to have an appointment with a lawyer, take dad for a drive, saying nothing, and if it’s what he wants have him visit the lawyer and draw up documents for POA and a will if he doesn’t have one. No need to discuss with sibling, it’s dad’s document and his choice.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Are ALL the siblings on one side, and you alone on the other side of this situation? Are there one or two siblings with whom you could form an alliance? I'm an only child for both of my parents, which has it's own pros and cons. I frequently had people tell me how lucky I was to not have siblings to fight with, but on the other hand, it left me alone (I was getting divorced too, so no partner support) with ALL the decisions.
Rarely, all the siblings and their spouses agree on all caregiving decisions, but more often than not, they don't. I'm so sorry for this turbulent and hurtful ongoing situation. Is there any chance for a family video conference? Are there any siblings you can confer with and ask what the hostility is all about? Could it be a misunderstanding that has gotten blown out of proportion? Have you ever gotten along with these siblings, and if so, when did the falling outs happen? Again, my thoughts are with you; please update us and let us know how things are evolving. Gretchen
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I would stay away from this dysfunctional mess (which, when you think about it, is of your parents', not your, making).

I would not expose myself to this group of grifters; eventually they will push you in some way and expose you to legal action. I wouldn't put myself in that position.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
answry May 2020
I finally put distance by ending the working type arrangement. Thinking things would calm down and that live-in would be happy that I'm not there on a daily basis anymore. NOT! We're almost three months later. Correct, this mess is/was created by our enabling parents.

I will try to just make contact by phone and see if I can get my emotions to fall in line not seeing my parents in person. Life changes so quickly.
(1)
Report
answry - you may want to consult someone about your financial position as regards what you have been doing for your parents. Personally I think you have to let it all go - not worry for them about their future credit needs - only be concerned that you are not being negatively affected emotionally or financially by your past involvement.

You have continued to be involved and I can't see from what you are writing that it is accomplishing anything good for your parents or for you or for anyone else. It continues the discord within the family and in your life. I know your intentions are good, but good intentions that cannot translate into good action are of no value. As well as not accomplishing anything good your involvement is harming you, at the very least and continuing this unhealthy game - the triangulation that Barb wrote about.

I know letting go of family, especially vulnerable adults, is difficult. Perhaps it would be wise for you to seek some counselling for yourself to help you with this. Honestly I can't see anything positive coming out of this. I gather you are handling their bills, but without financial POA you have no authority there. This is a very bad position to put yourself in. Please get some professional help, emotional and financial, to find a good path out of this. ((((((hugs)))))
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

The other thing is, if you are not involved, ther wont be any "family conflict" for APS to deem the source of the problem. Maybe APS will see the fact that the dysfunctional tribe is not giving good care.

Stepping aside seems like the only sane thing to do.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Wait; wasn't the going off hospice thing just so that they could take her to the hospital?

I would contact hospice and tell them that you are backing out of being there at all; ask again for them to contact APS.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
answry May 2020
Nope, live-in wants hospice gone completely and the minions agreed. The day of this last visit, two of the siblings were at parents home at the same time (so now me, the live-in, and 2 siblings). I tried to explain why hospice should be kept and asked what they thought in hope of an over-rule.

One responded in fear saying those people aren't coming out when called and they're not doing their jobs. I knew immediately where the wrong info was coming from. Hospice was great at their jobs and even came out early morning and almost graveyard night. The other sibling went to babbling a tune of some sort and I said you're being rude.

Spouse was like this is a losing battle. You do not have the support of one sibling. Let's go do the discharge. Hospice said I had to do the discharge since I signed them up and I did the same day.

The social worker of hospice did tell me they would see if the live-in would call back after the hospital visit. So guessing that did not happen. I will call hospice again and ask them to contact APS.
(0)
Report
I would send a copy of the letter to APS to document the financial abuse/ftaud that I'd being perpetrated by siblings.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter