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I try to be patient, understanding and kind, but the irritation gets out of hand too often and I end up screaming at her. She tries to resist me all the time and it's just exhausting. I just feel like a bad person, not worth anything anymore. Who screams at their poor old Mother, I feel so ashamed...


A quandary is my Mother is on Medicaid so I don't really trust State run agencies to care for her. Also she would have to live 30 miles away and I'm still working. She is here alone for part of the day, but I'm monitering everything and it seems to be okay for now. I will retire if I have to to care for her, but I would like to go for one more year. I need to. It's such a losing situation. Also I depend on her small portion of rent to help me pay my Mortgage payment. It isn't much since she didn't work much in her life, but it helps me to take days off to care for her and to rest sometimes. I feel like such a lousy daughter, I try to care for her and show kindness everyday but sometimes I just snap and feel I can't take this situation any more. There is only me, and we moved to an Island about 10 years ago, but we still know no one. I just can't come out of my shell here. We (Mother and I) have always been isolated (it's a long time family dynamic) but now it's even worse now that almost the entire family has passed and the ones who are left are very elderly themselves. Mother does go to a senior Day Care program once a week and that helps. But the unrelenting day after day, week after week, 7 days a week of telling my Mother (she has dementia), every little thing she has to do, all activities of daily living, just everything and then the daily routines have to be repeated verbally at least five times and sometimes more. To try and run her life completely is so stressful for me and so contrary to the relationship we have had with each other. She was always totally independent and hated anyone who intervened in her life. And then there is incontinence both fecal and urine. It's not constant, but I am dealing with her urine and feces everyday and it's depressing. I know it's not logical because she has dementia, but I feel so upset when her package of open pads are right next to her but she just won't put them on if I'm not there right at the moment. And yet at many times in her behavior she seems fairly normal in her reactions. The ups and downs of dementia are continually baffling to deal with. I've been caring for her for thirteen years and It's just driving me bonkers. I feel so depressed I don't talk to anyone anymore. I'm beginning to wish I weren't here anymore. I never felt like she cared much for me, she really neglected me during my childhood and that's a long story, but I always loved her, felt loyal and never wanted to put her in a home, especially a state run one. It's hard to describe, but the constant never-ending caregiving is incredibly difficult. Thanks for reading, it's good to tell someone. Any thoughts or comments would be helpful, Thanks, T.

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Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing your best. I get irritated too. Its frustrating. Especially when you have been doing it so long. Anyone would feel horrible.
I hope you can work things out soon. All the best.
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Thanks for your kindness, T.
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Wow, you are me. You asked, who screams at their poor old mother? - well, I do sometimes, she's 94, doubly incontinent and now bedbound, and I am her sole carer except for four hours respite a week when I head to the nearest bar and down a large glass of red wine! Yes I feel totally ashamed after a melt-down - I'm going to need counselling when all this is over (if I don't keel over dead before she does, which seems a distinct and not unwelcome possibility sometimes!). My only consolation is that her hearing is very poor, so I'm hoping she hasn't really heard or taken in all the nasty resentful things I've sometimes said (I tend to mutter under my breath so the neighbours don't hear), though she sees my face and knows that something is pretty wrong.

You are going to get lots of good, practical and sympathetic advice on this forum. I only wish I could add to it, but I'm just too tired and burnt out myself, so this note is just really to say, you are not alone, come here to vent when it all gets too much, and remember, you are a good loving daughter doing the best that you can in impossible circumstances - of course you are going to have melt-downs now and then, you are only human. Learn to forgive yourself, and get whatever outside help is available to you.

Sending lots of hugs!!!!!
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Penelope123 Nov 2019
Every word you said is my life too Pepita48. Some here are judgmental about feeling this way but everyones circumstance is different. No we are not abusive, if we were we wouldn't feel any remorse for raising our voice in frustration sometimes. It helps so much to know there are others like you and I and labeling anyone as being abusive if you get frustrated is just plain wrong. We are not Superwoman. At least I know I'm not!
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First of all, I am truly sorry that you are under so much stress. How can you not feel like this is a thorn in your side? It’s a huge weight on your shoulders.

It’s natural to get upset about your situation and I feel it’s also natural to get upset afterwards. This isn’t about lack of control though. It’s about being overwhelmed.

No one is perfect. We all lose our temper at times. We also lose our patience when we are overly stressed.

It’s impossible to feel like this is a normal life because it isn’t. Your life has been turned upside down. It’s natural to feel resentful about what you are going through.

I wish I had answers for you. I sincerely hope things improve soon. Many, many hugs for you. I hope you are able to get some rest soon.

Take care and vent anytime. Most people on this site know how you feel because they have experienced similar situations.

What exactly do you mean about not wanting to be here anymore? Not being with her or is your depression so severe that you want to die? If you are feeling suicidal, please seek help. I’m not judging you but wouldn’t want you to do something drastic.

It’s hard to be a caregiver at anytime but during the holidays are especially difficult.

Many hugs for you.
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I would go to bed at night resolved to do better, be more patient etc but found myself snapping earlier and earlier each day. My epiphany came when I finally realized that the care I was giving my mother wasn't better than the alternative, it was unfair to my mother to be in the care of this increasingly 3itchy harridan and it was also unfair to me that all the good memories of my mother were being replaced by ones featuring this needy stranger. When I hit the wall and found emergency respite care in a facility, and from there she never returned home. I deeply resented the advice I often heard to "go back to being a daughter rather than a caregiver", but in retrospect I see a truth there.
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Frances73 Dec 2019
That is very true. My dad became so difficult in his last years that my anger about that clouds my memories of the dad he really was. Just yesterday I was trying to remember the good days when he took us camping and fishing and how much fun we had.
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All you can do....is the best that you are doing...don't be so hard on yourself, I would have given up long ago and placed her in a home, as I am not clinically trained, nor do I have the patience for being a FT caretaker, I just don't posses those qualities.

Where I live there are Medicaid acceptable homes that are not state run, although, my mother, my step dad and his wife are in self pay homes, I did tour several for future possibilities. They were not 5 star, but acceptable.

I wish you the best!
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If you want relief and return to more of a mother/daughter relationship, then place her in a home where medicaid will pay. Sooner or later, you will have to because her dementia will need 24/7 care that you will not be able to give even if you stopped working.

Are you doing this hoping your mother will change because of all your love and make you feel more cared for by her? Forget it, many have that pipe dream. It's not going to happen.

It's not about wanting to put her in a home, it's about needing to for both her sake and yours.
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I agree with cwillie and if you were working in a long term facility you would be fired. So, let mom go live in the bed she's made and you get a life before it's too late. No one can find joy when their efforts, caring, cleaning, an adult baby are thought to be easy as distant relative (even not so distant) believe. Mothers often mistake tyranny for love and it's very hard for the children of these mothers to forgive them, let alone be at their mercy. You deserve an award for having dedicated your time for 13 years! If you like your job stick with it. You'll get much more reward for that than struggling with hanging on to mom. Can you video yourself being interactive while doing daily routines? Especially if your angry: if you're verbally abusive and talking bad, she needs to go before adult services are knocking on your door.
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Dementia is a baffling disease, a sad ending to anyone’s life, and yes, exhausting to any caregiver. Statistics show that 70% of Caregivers pass on before the person they’re caring for. Not good news but perhaps a catalyst for you to make some changes. Dementia and Alzheimer’s are progressive, so she will not get better and at some point, you will have to place her in a care facility, and none of them are perfect.
Some are better than others for sure. It sounds like you’ve gone above and beyond and for perhaps longer than you might have Because it sounds like you’re at a breaking point. If you don’t take care of yourself and you become ill or pass on, who then will take care of your mother? Believe me, just because she’s placed in the CARE residence doesn’t mean your work has stopped, it’s just that she will be supervised 24/7 and you would be relieved of some of the day-to-day struggle. In my area we have several dementia/Alzheimer’s support groups that are very helpful. It sounds like it’s time for you to make some changes, as difficult and painful as this can be, you must take care of yourself in addition to taking care of your mother. If your mother is not a wanderer and is not constantly trying to leave, a possibility exists that she could go into an RCFE which is a residential care facility, usually with 4-6 residents And sometimes, less expensive. There is all sorts of information online about dementia and Alzheimer’s. In conclusion, your mother isn’t doing anything on purpose it’s just part of her illness. Also there is something known as Anosognosia, it’s when someone with dementia or Alzheimer’s has no awareness that anything is wrong with them. Another point is that Medicaid or state aid will also cover someone’s care. They will take any monies she receives to assist them in paying for her care but it is also another way to go. I wish you well on this journey.
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From what u have described, Mom should not be left alone. You are expecting too much from a woman whose brain is broken. You describe Dementia perfectly. You never know what they will do. What if she tries to cook for herself and leaves a pan with grease on the stove or food. TG my Mom it was water but it did a job on the pan.

You cannot reason with these people. They have lost that ability. The ability to process, retain and have empathy.

If Medicaid is paying for her Daycare, is it possible for her to go to DC 5x a week, Medicaid paying for partial or full cost. Moms picked hers up and dropped her off. She was there for breakfast and lunch. She even had therapy.

In my area, our LTC facilities are private own but do except Medicaid. Mom did share a room with 4 others but was only there to sleep. She was in the activity room most of the time. You need to research and visit.
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I feel for you my dear. From one person who is awfully hard on herself to another, I would tell you to be compassionate toward yourself but I understand...you are totally out of it right now. My mom is 97, she's in assisted living thank goodness but when I see her number come up on my caller ID my BP skyrockets. She's the sweetest little person but stubborn. The fourth or fifth time I repeat myself to someone refusing to wear her hearing aids...well, whatever I was originally saying doesn't come out so friendly and kind. I haven't hollered at her yet, but I am awfully blunt and curt with her sometimes. Then I feel like crap. But I've set the expectation awfully high for myself to be compassionate and when I lose it I feel awful. Caring for her has driven me into therapy and my therapist tells me I shouldn't "should" all over myself so much. Meaning I should cut myself some slack and ditch my halo. I thought compassion was an endless well I could dip out of anytime I needed but compassion fatigue is a real thing. I basically was her assisted living program while she lived independently for 6 years. I talk to hardly anyone in my family about this- it is an isolating feeling- because many of them have lost their parents and love to remind me they would give anything just to have one more day with their mom so I'd better be grateful and enjoy her while I still have her. Not helpful. So I vent here and to my dogs and therapist. Dogs don't care if you swear and cry when you hang up the phone. I hope some resources can be found in your remote area to further assist you and give you back your life.
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Thanks to everyone for writing. Didn't expect it, but I felt better after writing and receiving responses, even felt more patient with Mother, and it's lasted. I'm beginning to realize how important support is from the right people, those who know and are familiar with caregiving firsthand. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
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Beatty Nov 2019
Writing it down, getting it off your chest, having someone listening can be a huge benefit & pep you up again for a while. Sometimes it's not enough & it's time to change the whole arrangement. The trick I think is having the energy (emotional or physical) to keep reassessing & change plans when required. Very hard when knee deep in it & just getting through each day!

Can I ask what the main goal is? Caring for Mum at home or caring for Mum wherever she lives? I ask because some people are determined to stay in the home so will do whatever it takes: renovate bathrooms, build ramps, pay $$$ for aides. If the goal is for both Mum & you to both live happy & meaningful lives, would that still look the same? You sound fairly isolated? Is that by choice? Sorry to be blunt - I am a fellow daughter with a *tricky* Mother & just wish to remind you - you matter! And you have choices. ((Hugs))
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It sounds like she needs to be in facility. I would research again. 30 minutes not bad and get in routine for visits 1-2 times a week. Stay in touch but get your life back. I would try it. Give her time to adjust. You can always change course.
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I know EXACTLY how you feel. Dealing with my mother and her behavior (my whole life) is too much to deal with. I have zero patience and have become a very angry person living with her. I have no words of advice, but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your situation.
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It seems as if you already know that the needs of your mother are far above what you are able to provide. Continuing to scream at her is not healthy. It's not fair to someone who has brain damage to be subjected to that. While you have good intentions, it's still not appropriate or justified. From your description of her needs, she should not be left alone at all. She's not trying to upset you, but, truly in need of constant instruction on how to do the basics of her day, such as toileting. Leaving a person like that lone is risky. I might consult with an attorney to see what your legal obligations are and discuss things with her doctor for options. I'd explore options for more care immediately for both of your protections.
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Welcome to the club nobody wants to join or be a part of. This morning, I was so tired that I not only put my mother’s diaper on backwards,I put her slacks on backwards, too! She sensed my frustration & promptly responded by calling me an “ugly POS” Not really the kind of greeting that gets you going in the morning to put a smile on your face. So it wasn’t my best day & I still have to keep going. I’m far from perfect but I get respite when my private pay Aide comes...about 40-45 hrs a week. Mother is 92 yo w dementia, not mobile & has to be helped w everything. She’s incontinent & doesn’t always know when she has to do #2. She gets agitated & sometimes hits ...last week she pulled on my hair & then I see my hair falling out ..in sink , shower, on my clothes, etc. She don’t even remember doing that next day or even 5 minutes later. This disease sucks is the bottom line.
You are not alone!!!
HUGS 🤗
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If it was me I would be getting advice on putting her in care. Start doing your research. You might be surprised to what you both are entitled to. Doing something positive towards a future plan will make you feel better mentally.
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gdaughter Nov 2019
And you can always do research and know, but not take any action if your decision is to keep on as you are...but at least you will know what is out there if you feel you're at the breaking point...
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Making a broad, sweeping generalization about all Medicaid care homes being terrible and continuing to care for a mother you can't stand and scream at makes no sense. Nobody is benefiting from the stress in your home and your mother is going to require more care than you alone can give her here shortly, if not currently. Dementia reaches a point where it's no longer safe or feasible to live at home, regardless of how much patience you have or don't have. The choice to get her into Skilled Nursing won't be a choice soon, so go check out some SNFs in your area and get her on a waiting list for a couple you like best. Just having an end in sight can give you some much deserved respite from the high anxiety you're going thru.

Dementia brings with it THE most irritating and unmanageable behaviors on earth, it's mind boggling, really. My mother has always been insufferable but when dementia set in, she became SO incredibly impossible that I'd prefer to shoot myself rather than care for her at home. So I don't.....shes gone from Assisted Living to Memory Care and then I will place her in a Medicaid Skilled Nursing Facility when she runs out of money. Because MY sanity is worth it, period. I have my life and she has hers. I go visit weekly and call daily. I handle ALL of her affairs from 4 miles away, and it's a lot of work, but as an only child, I'm all she has and so I wiilingly do it......but from a distance. And, for what it's worth, she was in a Medicaid approved SNF for rehab in May and loved it. It's the place she'll go back to when her money runs out for Memory Care. The care was excellent, the room bright and large, clean and well manicured grounds,,,,,it was an all around great experience.

Best of luck
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I've had this experience with my mother at times. Her being so hard of hearing and having practically no short-term memory (and her being somewhat of an "interrogator") tends to wear my patience thin, and occasionally I show my frustration. I've apologized for it, usually the next time I visit, and I'm not sure she even remembers that it happened. She is bedridden, and often when I try to tell her something, she turns her head toward me which covers up her ear, so I have to remind her to move her head back so I can talk to her!

This had some effects on me while I was still working (and only able to visit one weekend a month because I was living 500 miles away). One was that I provided technical support to sales reps, customer service reps, and medical practices. There were a few customers that others found very frustrating to deal with, and they gladly handed them over to me. Because of the effort I had to make in a conversation with my mother, I found dealing with customers very easy and had plenty of patience with them, much to the appreciation of the others in our company. The other was that one day, when I wanted to say something to one of the laboratory technicians, I got to thinking about which side I should approach her until it dawned on me that she, like most people, can hear in both ears!
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Beatty Nov 2019
Chuckle!

I too take on conversations with the *tricky* ones!

My Mother refuses to use her hearing aides, points at things she wants done & repeats a command until someone does it (or goes beserk if not).

I don't care much how crazy or hard the conversation gets with hearing impaired, dementia or delirium as long as it's a TWO way convo - not a one sided demand.
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I am in a similar situation, but it is not my mother. Ultimately you need to decide what is best for yourself and your Mother. My patient too would have to go on Medicaid to live in a NH. However, due to bad dementia behavior I am sure it would be a death sentence. I know I have days that I say to myself that I cannot take it anymore, but go on afterwards. In some respects you already made the decision to care of your Mother until the end. I know it is difficult, but force yourself not become angry and remember that your Mother is not same person anymore and she cannot help herself. Call a nurse help line and/or Alzheimer’s 800 number when you need to talk.
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I am so sorry. The difficulty you describe is very real and you are not alone. Even though we all want to try hard and care for our loved ones up until the day they pass at home, that is not a fair and realistic outcome with most dementia related illnesses. Unless you have a team of family members at home that can help you, it can be impossible at times. This disease is very relentless, cruel and dysfunctional and it has the ability to destroy you, the caregiver, even though you try so hard. Sometimes, I think this is one of the most difficult parts of the illness, letting go of full time family care and giving it to someone else, an assisted living. It must be done in some circumstances for survival. Dementia needs a team of people
to care effectively for our loved ones. But you can still play an important role while she is in assisted living. You visit often and advocate for her there. Pray often and get balance in your life so you can still be effective for both of you.
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You have experienced anything yet. Just wait until you have to do 24/7 care. Try changing her diapers and cleaning her private parts, because stool gets in there. Bathing her. Scheduled bowel movements and enemas. My relationship with my mom -- her brain was so gone--was feed one end, clean the other and keep her clean and turned. Everyday. No reprieve. No rest. Burn out? Oh and she lasted for years like this.

For myself I NEVER regretted caring for her. I've always been very close to mom. She lived a very good quality life end at the very end stages of Alzheimer's disease. She never needed a single psychotropic or narcotic. She knew she was loved. All the time. Even the hospice nurse never started her on morphine because she really was very comfortable. Everyday I thought how much I appreciated her being alive. Just being with her meant the world to me, so when she died (of liver cancer--NOT Alzheimer's), I was destroyed. I never realized just how alone I am without her. She lived for years with a PEG tube. She long forgotten how to swallow food and water. But it was liver failure that killed her--not Alzheimer's.
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I totally get your mind-set. I have gone completely numb. I’ve been her caretaker for 8 yrs. She’s on hospice now and for this I get a little break! I don’t feel anymore. I just coast. Is this survival mode or a break-down of my former self? All I know is I would have done things differently if I had hindsight. And my mother would have done better with others around her all day. She’s still sociable - even though she has chf - end stage. Too late now. Maybe the hospice care center when she’s bedbound.
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I have a feeling that you are coming to the point where you realize that long term care is what you must do for not only yourself, but your mom.
The time you put into the drive to the facility is nothing compared to the hours you are putting into caring for her now.
My mom is the sweetest woman on the face of the earth, but I still get very frustrated, and I have a supportive spouse. But even so, we are looking at assisted living options because the stress takes such a toll as I work full time.

My dad was in a nursing home for 3 1/2 years, and it was the absolute best choice we could have made. He was on medicaid, and honestly he had socialization that he never would have had at home. His relationship with my mom became so much better after placement. He treated her so kindly when she came to visit, and they fought like cats and dogs while she was her caregiver.

Don’t make assumptions about skilled nursing facilities. There are many loving aides, nurses, therapists, and workers who do their best to care for the residents. Unfortunately, the system doesn’t allow for appropriate staffing.
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It will be over soon enough. At this point, you have to live in the moment.
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lealonnie1 Nov 2019
How do YOU know it will be over 'soon enough' and what constitutes 'soon enough' for a person in THIS level of pain? It could be a year, 10 years or more! Your message reeks of 'suck it up Buttercup' and of a person who has no empathy for the reality of the situation
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A couple things here.

You have a mortgage, it is not a good idea to retire with a large debt if at all possible.

Your mother is eligible for a nursing home. That would take a huge weight off your shoulders. You are looking at nursing homes through the veil of FOG. You are somehow trying to make it up to her for the neglect you suffered as a child at her hands.

If Mum is in care you can go out and meet people, develop a social circle and reduce the isolation in your life.
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Keep sharing your frustrations on this forum and write your feelings down in a journal of your own when you have time. It helps to write things out b/c when you write things out (in a journal or on a forum) you are better able to identify and express the emotions than if they are just racing around in circles in your head.
You are also probably more impatient with your own mother than you might be if you were helping someone unrelated who had the same behaviors. It is devastating to watch a loved one, especially a parent, deteriorate. The family relationship exaggerates your depression and resentment of the current situation.
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Maybe you should also be researching facilities for your mother even though you don't love that idea. At some point it might become necessary. Taking some steps ahead of time to narrow your options might make you feel more in control and might give you some hope and encouragement for right now.
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Frances73 Nov 2019
I agree, if you are near retirement age you really need to be taking care of yourself. The best thing you can do for your mom is find a safe place for her to live. Check around, most facilities allocate a few places to Medicaid residents and many will work with you to figure out the finances. Call A Place for Mom (unsolicited plug here) they helped me find a nice facility for my mother.

Was either parent a military veteran? If either served during a time of war she might qualify for Aid and Attendance benefits for skilled nursing or a facility.

Contact your local/state Adult Services. Be patient but you really need to get some help before you become ill yourself. Please keep us updated on your situation.
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What you are feeling is perfectly normal - you are a loving human being and you are responsible for someone who, via their behavior, is causing you intense harm and suffering. You do NOT deserve that from anyone ever and if someone or something is causing this to happen to you, then YOU MUST TAKE ACTION AT ONCE TO STOP IT. You cannot allow the abuse and bad behavior. You are a kind, loving, sensitive soul and you have a tolerance point (I am like you). I simply could not and would not put up with this - nothing would make me do so once I tried to fix things and could not fix them. There are times you just simply cannot live in the same surroundings with someone else - it doesn't matter who they are or the circumstances. You must start looking out for you. You deserve it - please do not wait.
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My heart goes out to you. I’m in the exact situation. I recognize that it is compassion burnout. I have siblings who don’t actively care for mom but cheer me on from the sidelines. It reminds me that they have the words but no action to show just how much they really “love” mom. Not a day goes by that I’m not mad with my mom. But it’s not really her that I’m mad at. It’s this dementia that I’m angry with. It took so much from my mom. It’s as if she and I are being tortured in slow motion. All I can do is pray and keep praying. This is a season that I’m going through. In time, it will pass. Hang in there and never feel that you’re alone. This is an excellent forum to vent your frustrations. Huge hug!
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