My MIL has been living with us for over two years. She pays no rent and does nothing to help with the house or the kids. She has been sleeping on my couch and has no boundaries for my things and for the home. I was under the impression that she had financial trouble and was only going to be staying with us for the time it took her to find a place after she sold her home
She has money. She isn’t even tapping into her social security yet. She buys herself diamond earrings and spends thousands weekly all the while letting me and my partner struggle with money. We only have a three-bedroom home and if she continues to stay with us (as my partner feels like he would be guilty if he didn’t allow it) we would have to get a new home and we can barely afford the one we are in. I’m so resentful of this woman who disrespects my home and is so entitled
She made a comment about how she would just get a condo instead of going bankrupt getting a bigger home with us. She says she can only give us1,000 a month, when we would be the ones taking on a higher loan and interest rate (triple the mortgage we have now) and we would only be getting a small amount back if we sold because we had to borrow against the equity to deal with all the high costs of her living with us! I told my partner his mom is clearly using him as a free ride
How can I explain this to both of them because it’s starting to cause problems in our relationship and I feel very uncomfortable in my own home.
We have three kids, and nothing saved for retirement yet and we are in our mid-thirties. She is 63 and healthy. I don’t know how she can be so blind to what she is doing.
She had gotten 250 thousand from the sale of her home and has 200 thousand in an IRA account but wants her son to carry her through the golden years.
It’s toxic but he won’t listen or seem to understand how bad this will get
Thanks.
Seriously. You don't have a MIL problem. You have a husband problem. You and he have allowed MIL into your home without a contract for shared expenses (RealyReal reminded me in a recent post not to use the words rental and so on, as that has tax repercussions). You should have seen an attorney before the visit to get clear the shared expenses.
You now have a non-paying renter. Good luck prying her out of the house, as I cannot imagine it being easy, especially with your husband holding her other arm to keep her there.
You are going to have to back way way up. Whether your MIL was having money issues or not wasn't the problem. That is easily, in this economy, addressed by a job, especially as young as she is, and RENTING the couch in someone ELSE'S house.
I suggest you either sit with hubby and come to an agreement about how he will handle the freeloader, or--absent that--that you make arrangements to rent a couch at someone else's house and begin divorce proceedings.
I am sorry it this sounds harsh. The choice for your life is yours. MJ suggests boundaries but it is pretty clear to me that she isn't into them.
My ‘practical’ suggestion is to go to a pleasant second hand furniture shop, buy two easy chairs (even three if you want to be ‘nice’), and when they deliver, get them to take away and sell the couch. Oh dear! Nowhere for you to couch surf, MIL! Your house, you can choose the furniture.
You MUST make MIL less comfortable and this situation less of a ‘win, win, win’ for her. Think of other ways as well. Charging her $1000 a month NOW might be another way to start, though it's NOT just about 'financial planning', which was the topic you chose. Perhaps the kids can have fun thinking up options to be difficult as well!
What your partner needs to understand is Mom is not old. That two adult women cannot live in the same household. That she has the money, so she should be on her own. She should not be sleeping on your couch like a poor relation. You need it to go back to just your family. Thats how its suppose to be. Mom needs to leave.
I do understand that picking up 3 children and leaving may not be possibile. Is telling him that if he can't tell Mom its time to go, then maybe he needs to leave and take her with him? You should be #1 in this relationship.
It's very simple: "Your mother moves out in 30 days, or the kids and I do."
There is no negotiating. Thirty days will be the first of March (plus a few days), so she can rent a place while looking for a new one to buy or rent. There will be no discussion about how much rent she'll pay you two, because your home is not a rental. It is YOUR home, not his alone, and certainly not hers.
All you have to do is mean it, because otherwise you're just a doormat. You and the kids should always come before his mother, and if your man-child doesn't understand that real soon, he can move out with Mommy and be her keeper, PLUS pay child support.
I would leave this man in a second, and the honest truth is I may consider leaving for a period of time WITHOUT my children, getting a job, seeing an attorney, setting up visitation and separation. Some time with granny and three kids may be a wakeup call he won't forget.
Why is it that MEN think they can get by with "child support" as he says he is willing to pay, while the woman is left with the children? Nope. I would say "How about you do the kids and I do the child support check soon as I am on my feet with a good job.
I wouldn’t suggest that she leave without her children. I worked with a woman who ‘needed a break’ from her husband. She told him that she was going away for the weekend alone.
My coworker had an awful marriage and an even worse divorce. Her husband’s attorney destroyed her in court. The husband said that she had ‘abandoned’ the children. He won full custody and she received supervised visitation.
Her situation wasn’t about his mother. It was about another woman. The other woman moved into the home immediately after she left him.
It was a mess! How these situations turn out truly depends on the lawyers, the judge and how spiteful the man is.
But this is a b/f problem............you need to convince HIM that his mother is way too young & able bodied to be living with you, she doesn't need caregivers, and is just mooching off of you now. You were willing to put her up for a short period of time which has turned into 2 years now, and she's WAYYYYYYYYYY overstayed her welcome. Me, I'd insist she move out within a couple month's time and pay you NO rent/room & board. Let her finance her own place rather than continue living with you or worse yet, force you to buy a bigger home to accommodate HER. Nope. You need your privacy back and the only way to do that is for his mother to move OUT pronto.
If b/f is too 'guilty' to allow his mom to move out, then you have to decide if you want to maintain this relationship any longer. Because his mother will be an anchor around your ankle for LIFE.
Wishing you the best of luck getting through to your b/f.
63?? Hon I hate to tell you this but if you don't do something about this like now - you could conceivably be dealing with this for another 20-30 years. And right now you aren't even really having to do any lion's share of caregiving. She's just mooching off of you and her son. What happens when she starts to decline and she's still there - if she's already this needy and her son can't tell her no?
I'm all for helping family out in a crisis situation, my family does it all the time. But she isn't destitute. She has options. Including but not limited to senior housing, not even assisted living, but one of those 55+ housing communities. Or like she said, a condo. She was clear that she could only give you $1,000 a month because she would rather get her own condo than "go bankrupt getting a bigger house with you". Take her at her word. BF/Partner needs to have that discussion. Mom, it's time you find that condo. We need you out of here by X date and we'll be happy to help you move.
You don't need a bigger house. You need your BF/Partner to realize that your family is not prepared to take on 20-30 more years of her living with you (or everything that comes with that down the road), nor the added expense of triple your mortgage for just her contribution of $1,000 a month, nor the pressure that puts on your family.
You have three kids. But your partner is talking about the guilt of not providing a home for his mother. What about the guilt of not providing a safe space for his children and his partner?
If it was working and everyone was happy that would be one thing. There are many that don't like the arrangement of multi-generational living. But I don't have any issue with it as long as it works for everyone involved. But that being said, this is not working for you. That's the difference. Once it isn't working, you have a problem. And you need a solution. And the solution isn't a bigger home. The problem isn't space. The problem is lack of respect for boundaries. The problem is that your partner isn't respecting your feelings about the situation and is putting his mother's "needs" (I'm thinking wants not needs) over his family's needs. Multigenerational living can work, but everyone involved has to be committed to making it work and be equally invested and actually want to be doing it. That is not the case here.
And unfortunately - it's not going to get better simply because he wants you to make it work. The key is that it has be mutually beneficial to everyone. This situation is hugely beneficial to her. It's moderately beneficial to him because he makes his mother happy and doesn't have to deal with the guilt he would feel asking her to leave (but I'm still not sure how he doesn't feel guilt coming from his own nuclear family - I'm guessing you aren't putting on pressure like she does because you don't want him to feel bad). And there is literally no benefit to you, only more work. So....it's not going to work because it's not balanced at all.
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