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My MIL has been living with us for over two years. She pays no rent and does nothing to help with the house or the kids. She has been sleeping on my couch and has no boundaries for my things and for the home. I was under the impression that she had financial trouble and was only going to be staying with us for the time it took her to find a place after she sold her home
She has money. She isn’t even tapping into her social security yet. She buys herself diamond earrings and spends thousands weekly all the while letting me and my partner struggle with money. We only have a three-bedroom home and if she continues to stay with us (as my partner feels like he would be guilty if he didn’t allow it) we would have to get a new home and we can barely afford the one we are in. I’m so resentful of this woman who disrespects my home and is so entitled
She made a comment about how she would just get a condo instead of going bankrupt getting a bigger home with us. She says she can only give us1,000 a month, when we would be the ones taking on a higher loan and interest rate (triple the mortgage we have now) and we would only be getting a small amount back if we sold because we had to borrow against the equity to deal with all the high costs of her living with us! I told my partner his mom is clearly using him as a free ride
How can I explain this to both of them because it’s starting to cause problems in our relationship and I feel very uncomfortable in my own home.
We have three kids, and nothing saved for retirement yet and we are in our mid-thirties. She is 63 and healthy. I don’t know how she can be so blind to what she is doing.
She had gotten 250 thousand from the sale of her home and has 200 thousand in an IRA account but wants her son to carry her through the golden years.
It’s toxic but he won’t listen or seem to understand how bad this will get
Thanks.

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Your boyfriend's mother is thinking she found the perfect situation: Free room and board from 2 people without enough chutzpah to say NO to her! That way, she can save her $450K and continue allowing it to grow for her while you and your b/f continue to struggle to make ends meet. Sounds like the perfect situation for HER and a nightmare for YOU!

But this is a b/f problem............you need to convince HIM that his mother is way too young & able bodied to be living with you, she doesn't need caregivers, and is just mooching off of you now. You were willing to put her up for a short period of time which has turned into 2 years now, and she's WAYYYYYYYYYY overstayed her welcome. Me, I'd insist she move out within a couple month's time and pay you NO rent/room & board. Let her finance her own place rather than continue living with you or worse yet, force you to buy a bigger home to accommodate HER. Nope. You need your privacy back and the only way to do that is for his mother to move OUT pronto.

If b/f is too 'guilty' to allow his mom to move out, then you have to decide if you want to maintain this relationship any longer. Because his mother will be an anchor around your ankle for LIFE.

Wishing you the best of luck getting through to your b/f.
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What a sweetheart. She's only 63? Waaaay too young to be living on your couch. Have a talk with hubby. Hopefully he will agree with you and understand that this is not a long term situation. It's time for mom to find a place ASAP. You need to focus on your marriage and your kids. And save for your retirement, etc. She's being selfish so you need to push back on that and reclaim your lives.

So sorry that you're dealing with this.
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The boundaries don't need to be set with her -- they need to be set with your BF.

It's very simple: "Your mother moves out in 30 days, or the kids and I do."

There is no negotiating. Thirty days will be the first of March (plus a few days), so she can rent a place while looking for a new one to buy or rent. There will be no discussion about how much rent she'll pay you two, because your home is not a rental. It is YOUR home, not his alone, and certainly not hers.

All you have to do is mean it, because otherwise you're just a doormat. You and the kids should always come before his mother, and if your man-child doesn't understand that real soon, he can move out with Mommy and be her keeper, PLUS pay child support.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2023
Best answer said here, “Your mother moves out in 30 days or the kids and I do!”
(6)
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It’s hard for you to do most of the obvious things because of the kids. You could otherwise move out for a while and let DH cope with all the house things – shopping, cooking, even if neither of them care about cleaning.

My ‘practical’ suggestion is to go to a pleasant second hand furniture shop, buy two easy chairs (even three if you want to be ‘nice’), and when they deliver, get them to take away and sell the couch. Oh dear! Nowhere for you to couch surf, MIL! Your house, you can choose the furniture.

You MUST make MIL less comfortable and this situation less of a ‘win, win, win’ for her. Think of other ways as well. Charging her $1000 a month NOW might be another way to start, though it's NOT just about 'financial planning', which was the topic you chose. Perhaps the kids can have fun thinking up options to be difficult as well!
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Sixty three and at your house? Gee. If only I had known I could have gone crashed on my daughters lovely red sofa two decades ago! Sounds good. Her hubby always brings me treats from the kitchen when I visit.
Seriously. You don't have a MIL problem. You have a husband problem. You and he have allowed MIL into your home without a contract for shared expenses (RealyReal reminded me in a recent post not to use the words rental and so on, as that has tax repercussions). You should have seen an attorney before the visit to get clear the shared expenses.
You now have a non-paying renter. Good luck prying her out of the house, as I cannot imagine it being easy, especially with your husband holding her other arm to keep her there.
You are going to have to back way way up. Whether your MIL was having money issues or not wasn't the problem. That is easily, in this economy, addressed by a job, especially as young as she is, and RENTING the couch in someone ELSE'S house.
I suggest you either sit with hubby and come to an agreement about how he will handle the freeloader, or--absent that--that you make arrangements to rent a couch at someone else's house and begin divorce proceedings.
I am sorry it this sounds harsh. The choice for your life is yours. MJ suggests boundaries but it is pretty clear to me that she isn't into them.
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Evict her.
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Your comment is “I don’t know how she can be so blind to what she is doing”. Exactly the same comment applies to you! Seeing or being blind is not the point – you have to ACT.
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My goodness!

Profile says 63 and anxiety!

63 and anxiety isn’t a valid reason for her to crash on your sofa for 2 years!

MJ has the best answer on the page. “Either your mother moves out in 30 days or the kids and I do!”

This is not an elderly woman with any significant issues.

Start packing your bags because if hubby hasn’t noticed that this is a problem by now, I doubt that he ever will.

Best wishes to you.
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The blame for this lies squarely on you and your husband's shoulders. Both of you decided to move her in. Now that you realize this isn't going to work you will need to stand up to your husband and tell him mom has to move out. Good luck.
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Why doesn't your MIL have a job?

Was there an agreement made as to how long she would stay?

I think you need to tell your Significant Other that his mom residing with you is not working out and that he needs to tell his mom that she needs to find a new residence.

Can you do that?
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Astrid,
You may not be aware yet of the term "grifters" and how they team up to scam people for their own benefit. A mother-son con team is not unusual.

You can also look into narcissism, his mother or him. You can do this with the help of a therapist. A therapist will never force you to leave (if this is what is happening), but you can get help identifying how to stop this financial abuse of your marriage.

Study it. Protect yourself. Protect your children.

Your husband is showing loyalty to his mother, not you.

You can start by dropping hints: Yes Mom, we live very different lifestyles and I cannot see you on our couch much longer. You should own your own condo, live separately from us.

Mother, your lifestyle is so luxurious from what we can afford you. I just cannot allow you to be buying diamonds, spending your housing money on luxuries while sleeping on a couch. You need to invest that money for your own home, not be spending it.

However, Astrid....You can make an expensive point by buying another couch for husband, putting it next to his mother's couch in the living room. Put his bedding out there. Hope it's crowded and he gets the point. Arguing this out with him (over the years) will just make you out to be the bad guy, a real nag.
I don't think you will win to discuss this situation.

Maybe instead, take his Mom condo shopping, just you and her.
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2023
@Sendhelp

I am sure the OP has dropped many, many hints. Her situation is long past the time of hint dropping to the husband and MIL.

It's 'Get the hell out of my house or I'll evict you legally and a shariff will throw you out.'
This is what MIL needs to hear now.

As for the husband.

'Either she goes, or I do. I'll find a cut-throat divorce lawyer today'.

They're past hint-dropping.
(5)
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Astridmm22, welcome to the forum.. When guests stay too long, just turn down the heat, and serve mac & cheese for dinner every night. Hopefully Mom-in-law will get the hint.
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You say partner so I will assume ur not married. If not, she is not ur MIL. That may put a different twist on things. COVID is pretty much here to stay. So can't use thet excuse anymore.

What your partner needs to understand is Mom is not old. That two adult women cannot live in the same household. That she has the money, so she should be on her own. She should not be sleeping on your couch like a poor relation. You need it to go back to just your family. Thats how its suppose to be. Mom needs to leave.

I do understand that picking up 3 children and leaving may not be possibile. Is telling him that if he can't tell Mom its time to go, then maybe he needs to leave and take her with him? You should be #1 in this relationship.
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Astrid, how are things going?
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Astridmm22 Feb 2023
Thank you for asking. It really means so much to me for checking back with me. It’s been a battle and tense. I am hoping that she will be finding something by the end of this month. I feel that she is not really taking it serious so we will see how it goes.
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"Mom, you have a month to move out. Also, here's the bill for rent for the past two years. We have three kids. You've been sponging off us. Time for you to do your part for us and for your grandchildren. You have plenty of money, and we can't afford you, this was supposed to be temporary, and it's really effing up our life."
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Can I put this in perspective for you? She's 63. SIXTY-THREE. That's not even old enough to get the senior discount in a lot of places. She's got $450,000 saved up. She's couch surfing at your house - free of charge. I'm not even getting the sense that she's paying for food or toiletries? Is she paying for anything at all towards the household? Or just buying herself nice little trinkets?

63?? Hon I hate to tell you this but if you don't do something about this like now - you could conceivably be dealing with this for another 20-30 years. And right now you aren't even really having to do any lion's share of caregiving. She's just mooching off of you and her son. What happens when she starts to decline and she's still there - if she's already this needy and her son can't tell her no?

I'm all for helping family out in a crisis situation, my family does it all the time. But she isn't destitute. She has options. Including but not limited to senior housing, not even assisted living, but one of those 55+ housing communities. Or like she said, a condo. She was clear that she could only give you $1,000 a month because she would rather get her own condo than "go bankrupt getting a bigger house with you". Take her at her word. BF/Partner needs to have that discussion. Mom, it's time you find that condo. We need you out of here by X date and we'll be happy to help you move.

You don't need a bigger house. You need your BF/Partner to realize that your family is not prepared to take on 20-30 more years of her living with you (or everything that comes with that down the road), nor the added expense of triple your mortgage for just her contribution of $1,000 a month, nor the pressure that puts on your family.

You have three kids. But your partner is talking about the guilt of not providing a home for his mother. What about the guilt of not providing a safe space for his children and his partner?

If it was working and everyone was happy that would be one thing. There are many that don't like the arrangement of multi-generational living. But I don't have any issue with it as long as it works for everyone involved. But that being said, this is not working for you. That's the difference. Once it isn't working, you have a problem. And you need a solution. And the solution isn't a bigger home. The problem isn't space. The problem is lack of respect for boundaries. The problem is that your partner isn't respecting your feelings about the situation and is putting his mother's "needs" (I'm thinking wants not needs) over his family's needs. Multigenerational living can work, but everyone involved has to be committed to making it work and be equally invested and actually want to be doing it. That is not the case here.

And unfortunately - it's not going to get better simply because he wants you to make it work. The key is that it has be mutually beneficial to everyone. This situation is hugely beneficial to her. It's moderately beneficial to him because he makes his mother happy and doesn't have to deal with the guilt he would feel asking her to leave (but I'm still not sure how he doesn't feel guilt coming from his own nuclear family - I'm guessing you aren't putting on pressure like she does because you don't want him to feel bad). And there is literally no benefit to you, only more work. So....it's not going to work because it's not balanced at all.
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Looks like your "partner" has made the choice between you and mom. (I do not even want to use the term MIL in this case)
I am not one to like ultimatums but in this case I think it is warranted.
Tell your partner that you want her out. Give a move out date. For example Feb, 15th.
You begin packing as well.
Come Feb 15 if mom is still a resident you and the kids move out.
Consult an attorney and let your "partner" know how much child support will be due each month.
I think this is the only way he will get the idea that you are serious and if he wants to make the relationship work he needs to have a serious talk to mom.
Otherwise you will have a full time resident for the next 20 or 30 YEARS!!!
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Beatty Feb 2023
Since partner wants Mom - partner AND his Mom BOTH move out. ASAP.
Find therapist.
Find lawyer.
Get NEW life without the MIL the Moocher & Narc Partner.
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Astrid;
What sort of conversation did you (or you and your partner) have with MIL?

Was it made clear that this situation is not acceptable and that there will be consequences if she doesn't move?
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Astridmm22 Feb 2023
Honestly my partner literally tells me that he will pay child support over this. The thing is that he isn’t thinking. I think he has some serious trauma revolving around his mom because I don’t see how he would rather give up what we have built just because he doesn’t want to discuss his mom clearly using and disrespecting him. He doesn’t even make that much money and the thing is I would go into poverty if I pushed this any further. I guess mom wins.
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Follow the money.
Her money.

Agree with her, "She made a comment about how she would just get a condo instead of going bankrupt getting a bigger home with us". Help her to do just that. Follow her lead.
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Astridmm22 Feb 2023
Oh no she definitely is not paying anything or getting the kids anything she is extremely selfish. She won’t spare anyone anything. She is the one who is being sneaky with her money. That’s how I found out all about her situation because she takes advantage of my husband’s lack of knowledge about things like finances and retirement. She clearly manipulated him into believing she was financially struggling when she was not. Later when I brought this to his attention she had to own up to be financially well off but still lies about her assets.
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You have three children; this is a bad time to learn that your husband is not going to put you or the children ahead of a early 60s Mom. I suggest good birth control lest another child be brought into this. I would take the larger part of any savings and leave now; getting child care so you can work is going to be a nightmare, but you will otherwise remain a poorly paid cook and bottle washer to a selfish uncaring man and his greedy grasping mother.
I would leave this man in a second, and the honest truth is I may consider leaving for a period of time WITHOUT my children, getting a job, seeing an attorney, setting up visitation and separation. Some time with granny and three kids may be a wakeup call he won't forget.
Why is it that MEN think they can get by with "child support" as he says he is willing to pay, while the woman is left with the children? Nope. I would say "How about you do the kids and I do the child support check soon as I am on my feet with a good job.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2023
Alva,

I wouldn’t suggest that she leave without her children. I worked with a woman who ‘needed a break’ from her husband. She told him that she was going away for the weekend alone.

My coworker had an awful marriage and an even worse divorce. Her husband’s attorney destroyed her in court. The husband said that she had ‘abandoned’ the children. He won full custody and she received supervised visitation.

Her situation wasn’t about his mother. It was about another woman. The other woman moved into the home immediately after she left him.

It was a mess! How these situations turn out truly depends on the lawyers, the judge and how spiteful the man is.
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Astrid;

Start by finding a lawyer and a therapist.

I was married for 24 (!) years to a guy who put himself and everything else before me and the kids. No, his parents didn't move in, but the same emotional territory.

I was helplessly lost in this situation until I sought the help of a therapist (several therapists, in fact). I got strong, I got back to school and stopped thinking of myself as someone with no agency and no choices.

I got a good job, which enormously increased my ability to direct my life. When push came to shove, I was able to say "no more" and had him removed from the marital home.

We tried a mediated divorce. He was a total A-hole about that. Got myself a lawyer.

We divorced and despite what he had TOLD me for years would be the outcome, I ended up with far more monetary resources than I anticipated.

This journey all starts with one step. It starts with you saying "no" to doing ANYTHING for your "mil".

It starts with socking away all the money you can in your own account.

It starts with exploring job opportunities, training and schooling that will make you independent.

It starts with finding a lawyer and a therapist.

Good luck. Let us know how your plan is going.

HE isn't going to change. YOU need to.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2023
Barb,

Your story reminds me of Barbara on Shark Tank.

She said that when her husband left her for another woman, she succeeded in the real estate business.

Her ex had told her that she would fail without him. She showed him that she didn’t need him!

She is happily remarried to a wonderful man.
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